I know i want to be a woman
Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2020 7:32 pm
Hello, you can call me Beatrix as she is me and I am her. This isn't a sob story by the way, it's not meant as some grand speech or testament either. I'm not really sure what it is but I hope that it creates some positivity for someone else who is in my position.
I was born male and am currently 29. I've always enjoyed playing the woman any opportunity I could get. Games, in stories, plays, my dreams, even when I imagined my future it was always feminine. I have hated my body since I was like 12 or 13. I've never really been truly comfortable with it or felt confident in myself because of it. For years I've had a beard as I can't stand my face. I struggle to find clothes I like for the sex I was born as. I wore my partners clothes when I was home alone and it felt great. It could of only felt better if i had the body to go with the outfit. There have been countless over moments where it just didn't feel right as a man throughout my life. fast forward a bit and I'm pretending to be a woman online. Not for sexual gratification or arousal, nothing of the sort. I didn't know why I was so desperate to pretend I was this Beatrix character, I assumed it was just a silly phase. That was a couple of months ago that I started to question why Beatrix.
I finally breakdown on the 7th of July. i loose it I'm at my computer and I need to know why Beatrix. My mind is in shatters I'm emotional and confused big time. I have to get answers, I jump on chat rooms and ask for any trans women to message me as I need advice. Immediately two conversations pop up and I ask them how they knew they weren't who they thought they were. I got very different answers from each of them which didn't answer any of the questions in my head. But they did something for me which I'll never forget. The first told me to start adjusting my mannerisms and any characteristics to a more feminine way. Things like how i sit, eat drink, walk, gesture with my hands anything that i could do to make myself feel like a woman. She also suggested getting my own dress and clothes (something I am extremely looking forward to!!). The second did something I still can't believe, she asked me what name I would choose if I became a woman. I told her it was Beatrix, to which she told me to say out loud "Hello my name is Beatrix". I'll admit I scoffed at this idea thinking it was silly. As soon as I tried to say that simple sentence I broke. Tears flooded my face, I couldn't get past hello. I told her it made me cry and I couldn't even say it to which she said to take some deep breaths and try again. "Hello I am Beatrix". I said it, I burst into tears again but couldn't stop smiling. The biggest smile I've had in years. I havent stopped smilimg since and keep calling myself Beatrix. The online persona doesn't cut it anymore. I'm not happy pretending to be her as I actually want to be her. Everything has fallen into place. I've shaved my beard off and realised the reason I didn't like my face was because it looks feminine to me and i wasn't ready to accept that before. The reason I dont like my body, because its a man's body and it was too confusing for me to work out why that was wrong. The reason I cant find clothes i like is because I'm looking at the wrong gender. The reason for everything was because deep down I want to be a woman.
I am not completely ready to come out just yet which is what has bought me to this site. I want to enjoy this moment before the storm of coming out. Walks as Beatrix around parks, going shopping and trying on all the clothes I've denied myself for so long. Even bras I'm excited about. I know that when I come out everything is going to change and it is going to be tough, but I know what is beyond that storm is going to be worth any pain or sacrifice. For the first time I am excited about my future.
What i need help with is finding a way of getting in contact with people who are going through this like me and are willing to meet and support each other. I suppose I would like a friend to travel this path with. Someone who will come with me and help me try on clothes, give me advice etc. As it stands I havent told anyone who knows me about this. So as you can probably tell I'm desperate for that friendship right now.
I know that I'm probably not quite handling this in the best way or a sensible way but this is all so new and scary to be honest. So any advice or help would mean the world to me as so far you're all I got.
P.S. sorry for the essay!!!
I was born male and am currently 29. I've always enjoyed playing the woman any opportunity I could get. Games, in stories, plays, my dreams, even when I imagined my future it was always feminine. I have hated my body since I was like 12 or 13. I've never really been truly comfortable with it or felt confident in myself because of it. For years I've had a beard as I can't stand my face. I struggle to find clothes I like for the sex I was born as. I wore my partners clothes when I was home alone and it felt great. It could of only felt better if i had the body to go with the outfit. There have been countless over moments where it just didn't feel right as a man throughout my life. fast forward a bit and I'm pretending to be a woman online. Not for sexual gratification or arousal, nothing of the sort. I didn't know why I was so desperate to pretend I was this Beatrix character, I assumed it was just a silly phase. That was a couple of months ago that I started to question why Beatrix.
I finally breakdown on the 7th of July. i loose it I'm at my computer and I need to know why Beatrix. My mind is in shatters I'm emotional and confused big time. I have to get answers, I jump on chat rooms and ask for any trans women to message me as I need advice. Immediately two conversations pop up and I ask them how they knew they weren't who they thought they were. I got very different answers from each of them which didn't answer any of the questions in my head. But they did something for me which I'll never forget. The first told me to start adjusting my mannerisms and any characteristics to a more feminine way. Things like how i sit, eat drink, walk, gesture with my hands anything that i could do to make myself feel like a woman. She also suggested getting my own dress and clothes (something I am extremely looking forward to!!). The second did something I still can't believe, she asked me what name I would choose if I became a woman. I told her it was Beatrix, to which she told me to say out loud "Hello my name is Beatrix". I'll admit I scoffed at this idea thinking it was silly. As soon as I tried to say that simple sentence I broke. Tears flooded my face, I couldn't get past hello. I told her it made me cry and I couldn't even say it to which she said to take some deep breaths and try again. "Hello I am Beatrix". I said it, I burst into tears again but couldn't stop smiling. The biggest smile I've had in years. I havent stopped smilimg since and keep calling myself Beatrix. The online persona doesn't cut it anymore. I'm not happy pretending to be her as I actually want to be her. Everything has fallen into place. I've shaved my beard off and realised the reason I didn't like my face was because it looks feminine to me and i wasn't ready to accept that before. The reason I dont like my body, because its a man's body and it was too confusing for me to work out why that was wrong. The reason I cant find clothes i like is because I'm looking at the wrong gender. The reason for everything was because deep down I want to be a woman.
I am not completely ready to come out just yet which is what has bought me to this site. I want to enjoy this moment before the storm of coming out. Walks as Beatrix around parks, going shopping and trying on all the clothes I've denied myself for so long. Even bras I'm excited about. I know that when I come out everything is going to change and it is going to be tough, but I know what is beyond that storm is going to be worth any pain or sacrifice. For the first time I am excited about my future.
What i need help with is finding a way of getting in contact with people who are going through this like me and are willing to meet and support each other. I suppose I would like a friend to travel this path with. Someone who will come with me and help me try on clothes, give me advice etc. As it stands I havent told anyone who knows me about this. So as you can probably tell I'm desperate for that friendship right now.
I know that I'm probably not quite handling this in the best way or a sensible way but this is all so new and scary to be honest. So any advice or help would mean the world to me as so far you're all I got.
P.S. sorry for the essay!!!