When I was a little kid I used to play with dolls and toy kitchens and imagine I was Barbie's/Tiny Tears' mother. But I also used to play with He-Man and Thundercats toys as well. I used to proudly take my dolls everywhere with me, on the bus, everywhere. I wanted to be the little mermaid and be loved by a prince charming. I would quite literally consciously try to sing in the highest pitched, girliest voice I could do, when someone heard it and asked who was singing, I would stop and run away. I did this until my voice broke.
But I never cross dressed. Even if I loved the idea of it. I knew even as a seven year old that they'd be judgin. I never felt like one of the girls. How could I be? I looked nothing like them. So as I grew up, I didn't and don't speak to girls much. I've never had a date, never been kissed. I don't care anymore now, to get romance. I had to stop caring for my own health.
During secondary school though I hit the gym, won a couple of karate trophies, tried to be as manly as possible. But then guess what happened? The second I get access to the family PC, I would play MMO's with a female avatar. I spent huge amounts of time on painting a female model, neglected my studies and dropped out of university. I spent the next five years as a shut in, only going out some four times a year. But it was then that I started writing and drawing a graphic novel trilogy, starring three females. For six years I completely abandoned my male identity, living online as a woman.
Her name is Aya Taylor. My younger brother thought I was doing it to troll people online, but I knew different. I had dropped my old straight male best friend, who expected my old male self, and I couldn't relate to him anymore. I even turned down the offer to be godfather to his child. I just couldn't do it, wear a suit and be a man anymore. I had gotten a new best friend online, a female. And we talked throughout that time. I would stay up ridiculous hours for a chance to talk to her. (Different time zones). As long as I could write and draw and be Aya online, I would get by. And I did.
Then I got obsessed. I would spend all my time drawing a female character in particular, wanting her to look as I saw her in my head. She started out innocent and simple, but became a troubled, tortured soul. I relate strongly to her to this day. Drawing her took priority over eating. I became underweight and my mother thought I had an eating disorder. A hospital doctor took one look at me and said I'm "wasting away". But unbelievably, I liked the way my face looked. It looked thinner and more feminine. I wanted to lose even more weight and have a beautiful sculpted face, like a supermodel. Thankfully I had read alot about anorexia beforehand and saw and respect the danger and power of such thoughts. I made a conscious effort to stop that before it took hold and I was somewhat successful.
But then at Christmas 2008, I thought this couldn't go on. Time to MAN UP. So I told my online best friend, Kristen, who I really was. She was fine with it. Even suspected as much, as I had been feeling guilty about deceiving her for the weeks leading up to it. But this sent me into a tailspin of depression and psychological meltdown. I would stay in bed crying with the curtains drawn and barely get out of bed at all. Even drawing didn't help. So I was booked in to see a therapist. My mother thought I was autistic, so wanted me tested.
I was twenty five at this point, never had a job, living at my mother's house, and had "failed to launch."
So I went to my GP, requested said test and some therapy. I told my therapist, three of them in fact that I feel like a girl inside. But I said I can't be feeling that. I am a man! Manly! But she could see in my face how terrible I looked. Unhealthy and off colour. As she could literally see the depression in my face, I was offered anti depressants, but I refused as I don't believe in numbing my problems with meds. Her and another mental health worker believed I has slight psychosis in my beliefs when I told them I'll always have that desire to be female, and I have to live with that. For the rest of my life probably. I had told them that it wasn't so bad as to make me want to transition, and that I could always control it. With sheer willpower.
I told my mother that I had some uncertainty on my gender identity. She said it doesn't matter, people are what they are. But later on in a quarrel she said "You were the one who said you didn't know if you liked men or women". Which isn't really what I said, but whatever.
They diagnosed me with Asperger Syndrome. My mother wanted me to move out and learn life skills so I went to live at a supported living accomodation for people with learning disabilities.
Then I thought, I'll hit the gym again and exercise my way out of depression, lift weights and reclaim my masculinity. No dice. I very rarely look at myself naked but a few months in when I started noticing increased muscle size I got hit with anxiety and panic attacks. I even went to the ER twice because I thought I was having a heart attack.
I recently bought a wig that I thought looked stunning in a shop window. I sometimes put it on a mannequin head in my room, and just stare at it and admire it. I wouldn't dare try it on, as I know it would break my heart. I want it all or nothing at all. Which I suppose is why I never really cross dressed and never learned about make up. I couldn't pull it off anyway. Rather than be jealous of cis women, or even trans women, I'm more jealous of effeminate guys who could pull off a transition if they wanted. Guys like Sunny5ma of youtube. Why couldn't I look like that?
There are upsides, I've gone back to college to study art, but it's really a means to an end (Graphic Novel). I've rekindled the friendship with my old male school friend, though we're not nearly as close as we once were. Amusingly he had this exchange on facebook:
*************(me)
-no Sisters of Battle
****** Roberts (him)
12/17, 11:51pm
******Roberts
Girls!!!!!
***** Roberts
12/17, 11:52pm
***** Roberts
What the duck is it with u n female models n drawings lol
So clearly the reason behind u n ur thing with women.
A tad more difficult to relate to than he used to be.
But truthfully I've grown numb. Not happy, but not in pain anymore. I spend my days doing art, listening to music, watching amusing videos or interesting documentaries. I follow and watch videos by trans people and read forums on the topic on a regular basis. I admire their bravery and am dismayed by trans phobia. When it comes to breaking gender expectations in front of people, I'm a complete chickenshit. Nor do I want painful surgery, to be seen as "qu*er" or mocked, or take pills for the rest of my life. Which is why I conclude my issues can't be that bad compared to others.
Which is why I will say I'm not and can never be a girl. I am not Aya. I'm a man with a caged girl inside his heart who needs feeding constantly.
I'm still at the supported living accommodation, still going to college. I watch alot of videos about becoming "an alpha male". But...meh.
I barely put any effort in grooming or my appearance because there's no point. I just want to stay alive long enough to get my graphic novels finished and published. After that it doesn't matter.
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