Gender Expansion

[Happy101]

Hello,
This is my first post, and my first time on the forum. I am looking for some support or understanding. I found the website by searching online.

I am 46.
My biological sex is female.
My binary gender identity is female.
My sexual orientation is hetero, although I experimented with same sex encounters when younger as I thought life would be easier if I was perhaps same sex oriented. I don't know why I thought this, it just always seemed obvious to me that it would be easier to live with someone with characteristics considered female. I did not find the experiences unpleasant but they confirmed that I am sexually attracted to men.

My gender expression is male.

I have never said that before because I never knew what it was. And it makes me cry to say it now.

I have spent my entire life hearing I am not feminine enough in the way I express myself, that I am too dominant, confident, arrogant, masculine, direct, without subtleties. I have heard this from family, friends, at work, in social situations, from strangers who have just met me.

I have repeatedly been told by other women that I will never have a successful relationship with a hetero man unless I make myself more subordinate, less-opinionated, less direct. Unless I fit in with what a man wants and make him feel good as a superior male.

I have almost always worked with male bosses and worked well. I have worked with female bosses 3 times in my life, all disastrously.

I have always believed that there is something wrong with me.

I have yearned to find a relationship of absolute equality. Men are attracted to me physically. Very few are attracted to me once I express my character. I have spent my whole life thinking that I must try to express more feminine characteristics and less intelligence, and feeling very miserable about it.

6 days ago I met a man (through university, I am a mature student and study part-time a well as working) and we had a professional appointment yesterday for an hours' meeting.
He is gender binary male, biological sex male, hetero oriented and gender expressive female.

We talked for 7 hours and it was an utter revelation for us both to meet someone of the opposite sex whose gender expression doesn't fit with their other identities/biology/sexuality. Neither of us have ever understood why our expressive behaviour so clearly bothers other people. Both of us have experienced discrimination/hate because of it and have unsuccessfully tried to adapt our behaviours in order to be successful professionally.

This has led me to research today to see if there are other people like us.
Are we alone?

[JustMe]

Hello Happy101,

Thank you for coming along and opening up to us here - that takes a lot of guts. I just wanted you to know that people do come along here and read what others say and it is a very diverse and complicated subject we are all 'shoe-horned' into.

Personally, I see no reason why you should not be yourself. Be proud of who you are and having that confidence/arrogance. You mentioned that you'd had disastrous results with female bosses and that you'd got on okay with male bosses - I don't see anything wrong with that apart from that perhaps the issue lay with your female bosses (you may have been a threat to them).

I'm a Male to Female transsexual (MTF) and have spent the last 2 years adjusting to being a female in society and no longer needing to 'act' as male. It's hard and I'm no where near as adept at it as I would like, it's a life long adjustment I'm having to make. So, I can sort of understand how when you present as one sex but act as another, how difficult it must be. I've noticed a difference in how men react to me but only in the past 6 months where all of my HRT and mannerisms etc have been retrained to be more in line with what my actual gender really is. I still get men who aren't sure of what I am and who regard me with suspicion - that's quite difficult to take but take it I do. So, if you are quite masculine in your general demeanour (confident, arrogant, masculine etc) it must be quite difficult for you to find that others see that as a threat.

I don't know what to say or advise really as this is really way outside of anything I have experienced - other than, just be yourself and be happy with the confidence you have in yourself. To be happy in your gender and expression of who you are is really quite a positive thing. To have others say to you that you need to femme up to be accepted? That is not kind and not very friendly - people should accept you for who you are and embrace the strengths you very obviously possess.

I feel as if I'm going round in circles here and so I will stop, I hope that some others from this site come along and let you know their feelings. Take care and don't let the b**gers grind you down.

Hugs
Kerry x.

[Happy101]

Dear Kerry,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I appreciate it. I have looked through a number of forums now and there seems to be lots of support and information for people with gender issues linked with their sexuality or biology, but almost nothing for just gender expression. So I am thankful that you have responded, truly.

I am relieved in one sense to now realise that what I have felt for 46 years has a definition. But I am also resentful and angry because I don't know what to do with that?

I am fairly feminine in appearance and feel comfortable in my body/with my binary identity, and with my sexuality. But I honestly don't know how to behave or express myself any other way than what comes naturally to me. You are right, it is alarming and confusing to hear other people say that my behaviour doesn't match my appearance and/or sexuality, and that they find it threatening. I don't want to be a fake person.

To hear, for the first time in my life, another person verbalise the exact same disparity between gender expression and identity etc this week, was astounding for me. And to hear that he did not think I was weird/strange/freaky/odd was a novelty.

I don't know what to do with this information, quite frankly. But I'm grateful for your connection. Thank you.

[JustMe]

Hi Happy101,

I've given your situation more thought since I last posted.

It's difficult for all of us, because society tries to find a 'box' to put us all in (Gender and Sexuality). Normally the male or female box. What society doesn't (currently) give much space for, is if you don't fit into those categories. In reality though, there are many in-between or grey areas which can't be categorised one way or the other. Not so long ago, gay and lesbian people had no 'category'. Thankfully that has changed and has led the way for trans people who are now only just being identified has having their own 'categories'. I hate talking like this because I seem like I'm trying to fit us all in boxes. BUT, actually - we are all different and when one tries to categorise, there's a chance that it still may not be quite right. Society in general, is slowly (oh so slowly) beginning to recognise this and accept that there are many diverse and individual 'areas' which all deserve respect.

In your situation, I believe that there is nothing wrong - it's just that you want to express yourself slightly differently to what society expects. Well, tough - you are YOU. To meet somebody else who feels the same as you is a truly enlightening experience - to live as YOU and to have the freedom to do that is even more enlightening. So, what's wrong with living your life as you want to and ignoring those who have an opinion on how YOU should live YOUR life? I had several 'friends' who told me that they couldn't carry on seeing me anymore after I told them of myself - well, they identified their true selves to me and I decided I didn't need friends like them BUT as those doors closed, many more have opened with people who accept me as I am.

So, I say just go out there and live - be yourself and ignore criticism from others. If others can't accept you for who you are, well, that's their problem isn't it?

Hope this helps.
Kerry x

[Happy101]

Hi again Kerry,

Thanks for your response.

I agree, pigeonholing people is something many people automatically accept in Western society without consciously thinking about why.
I lived for 8 years in Asia, and we are quite ignorant and slow to make progress in this side of the world, in comparison.
Where I lived, sexuality and gender was a very fluid thing, and many friends could and would change either or both as it suited them. We are so intent on labelling people over here, I feel far more judged on a day to day basis.

I don't think I will come back to this forum as I've been quite shocked to see the numbers for people who are clearly feeding off other people's pain without offering a single word of support. Even posts entitled HELP ME, PLEASE have hundreds and hundreds of views and a mere handful of responses. That's f*ck up.

Thank you for reaching out to me when I needed to make contact. Your kindness helped.