About to go full time and completely stressed.

[Merces]

Hi all,

I joined this forum because frankly I need to vent and even if nobody can help me at least the venting maybe cathartic. To summerise, I've been on HRT for almost three years, got plenty of laser and have a wonderful trans-girl friend who I've been with for six years and my Mom accepts my choice to transition. Sounds great, right?
Well now comes the bad stuff. I'm going to legally change my name next week, officially move in with my Girlfriend half way across the country but the main problem is my Father. How should I put it-oh yeah, he's religious. My parents have been divorced since I was a kid so I don't see him often but he doesn't know I'm bi-sexual, let alone T.S. I think he would be tolerant of me being bi-sexual but I know he would never accept me as a woman. I even risk losing my inheritance.
To add to the stress he is getting married to his new girlfriend at the end of this year and wants me to be the best man.
I want to do this for him but even if I attend the wedding and dressed as a guy as a once of I can't be the best man as the marriage would be invalid if I didn't use my new female name. What a dilemma. The thing is I'm stressed enough what with moving, and sorting out my bank details, medical card etc once I legally change my name. My Fathers marriage was just kind of sprung on me this week and has put a bit of a spanner in my plans. I really don't want to leave him down but I know he will never accept me and I am literally terrified of telling him. From a practical perspective I really hope I am not going to be disinherited and lose the house which he is leaving to me, but obviously I'm not going to postpone my transition for that. I've postponed my transitions for other reasons in the past and living as a guy is killing me. I just can't do it anymore and I have to be selfish and just get this over with this week. Alas, I am stressed to bits. Anyway, that's all for now I guess. Thanks for listening.

[JustMe]

Hi Merces,

I haven't got very long now but I just wanted to say welcome and thanks for coming along.

You've got one hell of a dilema here - ultimately, you have to do what's right for you.

When I 'came out' to members of the family, there was one couple who are a much older generation than me and who are very blunt in thier opinions (shall we say). The only thing I could think of was to write a letter to them - in that I basically laid out my heart to them both (I could send you a copy if you like - PM me). I took it to them, sat down and begged that they read it all the way through before saying anything. That was without doubt, the longest 5 minutes of my life. Well, they were shocked but fine and agreed that they will stand by me and support. To be honest, that's when the hard bit starts because then there is the period where they have to get to know you all over again. What surprised me, was that those I expected to be fine about it weren't necessarily so and those who I expected to really struggle with it have (on the whole) been okay about it - so you really can never tell.

Hopefully, some of the others here will be able to come and put some of their opinions too. I'll try to get on again when I have some more time .

Kerry x.

[Casaluna]

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[Christine]

Whenever I see the word "religious" I have to wonder how much it's an excuse, and if that means a person is more or less amenable to being convinced. Personally, I'm a Christian as well as a trans-woman and a lesbian. I don't care if some people can't reconcile it, I'm comfortable with it.

All I can offer is to be true to yourself. This is vitally important. Unless the cost of doing so is really severe, it's not worth ever pretending. For the record, I don't get on with my parents and don't expect the slightest hint of any inheritance. Having accepted that, they no longer have any power over me to push me into things that are bad for me. Yeah it sucks, but the alternative sucks a hell of a lot more.

[JustMe]

Hi Merces,

As promised, I thought I would come back and add to my previous.

The points both Casaluna and Christine have made are really good ones.

About Christianity . Well, I am also a Christian but I wouldn't say that I'm a devout one. I believe that treating people with kindness and respect means far more to God than if I attend church - in my experience, the regular church-goers invariably seem to give off this air of being holier than God Himself and are all too quick to give out 'advice/opinions'. After all, they go to church and so are much more qualified to give others' 'advice' - quite often forgetting to look at themselves occasionally. Some of the most important factors of Christianity are forgiveness and respecting others. Now, when it comes to discussing this with your father - he may actually be quite forgiving (I believe that that's what God would want). Ultimately, on death - we are the ones who will have to stand there and face judgement. I'm pretty sure that I have been good in this life, treated others with kindness and that my being Trans will not even come into it (after all, inside me and my soul is a girl who for decades had to be hidden away). So yes, a bit of a rant but I hope it makes sense.

Once again, how you go about covering this matter with your Dad is going to be tough. Don't rush into it, take your time and make sure that it is absolutely what you need to do - once you cross that line, there is no going back and you are the one who has to live with whatever happens. At the same time though, you may be very surprised by how he reacts and the relief to get it all out in the open is phenominal - like a massive weight being lifted off.

Hope this helps.
Kerry x.