Cheating Relationship Advice Please?

[omysoul]

Hi I'm new to this forum and really looking for an outside perspective. Thanks so much.

I'm a woman in a relationship with a loving boyfriend, who happens to be transgendered. We've been together for nearly a year and overall things have been really great. We have great sex, we get along very well, and I feel very fulfilled. A few months ago I had a feeling that he was hiding something from me. I thought it was one of two things: him cheating or him doing hard drugs. I started checking his phone and his room for evidence and I found clues, but was never certain of what exactly he was hiding. He left his email open on my computer and I figured out what he was hiding, he has been cheating on me for the past 6 months. I found craigslist casual encounter posts, all with men. Obviously, I'm devastated that he's been dishonest with me. I thought we had good communication and I asked him more than once if he had the desire to be with someone else or to cheat on me, then break up with me first. I didn't want to go through this. I had asked him numerous times if he wanted different things in our sex life and that I was open to just about anything, but he never said anything. He told me that he has sex with men because he hates himself, the feeling makes him feel disgusted, and the disgust matches up with his self image. He's been hooking up with people this way for over 5 years, but never in a committed relationship with a man. I asked him if he wanted a boyfriend or the companionship of a man, but he said no. He told me that he wanted to be with me and get better. I asked him if he'd rather be with me or be single and continue to hook up with men and he chose me. He is currently in therapy and has been for a long time. I think a big part of me rationalizes everything because I do love him and realize that he's had an incredibly hard life. He has issues with being transgendered and embarrassed of it. I've been incredibly supportive and tell him positive things all of the time. I tell him how attracted I am to him and how much I love his body constantly. He's more of a man than any of the cisgendered men I've been with in my whole life. He made a mistake and he's not a terrible person. I want to support him and I want to get past everything. I'm mad at him, but in my head I'm also trying to empathize with him at the same time. I know I can't fix or change him. He has to do that himself. I'm just worried that I won't be able to trust him and that even trying may lead to failure. I don't want to be a fool, but I also don't want to walk away.

[hxlady]

Kick him out today! here are too many venereal diseases floating around to worry about from having sex with this guy after he has been having sex with men.
As he's doing the typical control freak act of blaming you for making him chase men he's messing with your head.
Appetite grows by what it feeds on so he'll continue chasing men and doing it right under your nose then blaming you for it.
As for him being transgendered maybe he's just into crossdressing for sex like lots of men are.
The 'great sex' with you is proof he's just a guy into crossdressing which broadly speaking is TG but not TS and he is no long term happiness prospect for you.
There are lots of nice guys around so don't waste any more time with this loser.

Chuck him out now, put on some pretty lipstick and go look for a nice guy under the Xmas trees in your local clubs and pubs.

[Alan]

As for him being transgendered maybe he's just into crossdressing for sex like lots of men are.

I interpreted it that the OP's boyfriend is FTM (but then being FTM myself perhaps I would assume that!)

I don't think you can jump to the conclusion that just because someone has great sex with a woman, that means they are a crossdresser rather than transsexual... ...we are all on a spectrum.

Probably the most important thing to me would be whether you feel you can trust him AND trust yourself to leave it in the past, if you decide to stay together. My partner admits to cheating on previous boyfriends, she isn't proud of it but was open about it with me. If I didn't trust her 100% then I don't think I could be with her - a relationship built on constant suspicion (founded or unfounded) and snooping is not going to be a healthy one.

[omysoul]

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate people reading this and taking time to respond.

hxlady, my boyfriend is female-to-male (FTM) if that is helpful. i use male pronouns because he is a male even though he wasn't born as one.

[Ice Maiden]

The big problem here is what can often happen when men and women transition they suddenly are desired as the 'new' gender role that until now they have only dreamed of.

Many transpeople often imagine themselves making love to a person and actually transfer themselves to the other person and imagine what it must be like for them.

Example a person designated male at birth who wants to transition to a female gender role, can make love to their girlfriend 'as a man' yet wish they were the girlfriend.

Now It maybe your partner is now being seen as a hot guy and men are finding him attractive as a man. Gay men are often quite 'fussy' and this is a real complement. It can almost be intoxicating and heady for another man (in this instance) to find the person attractive as a man. Whereas you have some history with him and thus he can never be sure you are not just being kind in how good he looks.

Example - Do I look masculine?
Of course you do! I keep telling you!
Yeah but you are bound to say that!

A man who meets him and say wow! Is a different matter!

This does not mean he does not love you, it maybe simply a confidence thing. He needs to 'know' that he passes well and look male from somebody else.

However as stated above, this is a very selfish way to behave. You are left hanging while he wanders off enjoying this new experience.

Personally I would give him an ultimatum and say that whilst you understand his new found feelings and desires and that he is intoxicated and excited by all this that you are there and deserve some respect. And that it is time to draw this to a close. However, if he is unable to do so - you have your answer!

Keep posting and good luck!