First Appointment Next Week…

[Ma'at]

I suppose I'm still struggling with the usual self-criticism. I look in the mirror and I see a man, and I'm trying to figure out what parts of me I need to change to make that vision go away so I can just get on with my life. Makeup helps a lot, but since my hair is still growing out my overall appearance looks unfinished. In the mean time I've turned my attention towards my clothes, but to be honest, I simply don't care enough. If I had been blessed with the correct body, I probably wouldn't dress too differently from what I do. Instead though, I'm left with trying to find clothes that will cover my broad shoulders and my narrow hips. Then there is the issue of my family. My parents are still in shock and the in-laws are still oblivious.

[Casaluna]

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[Ma'at]

All this talk about clothes is a bit, well..something. I don't think it's the place of any nurse or Dr to tell you what you should/shouldn't wear. Remember, plenty of women wear jeans and T-shirts too, however, it's easy to feminise that too with accessories like scarves, earings even shoes. It's all down to your mood and style...... Your Style!

To be fair on the clinician, she did point this fact out herself. For my appointment I was wearing a plain t-shirt with a colourful woman's scarf and winter coat, colourful women's gloves, skinny jeans and some boots. Her reaction was very mixed; essentially telling me that I was wearing all the clothes a woman might wear while simultaneously telling me I wasn't dressed like a woman.

I think at one point she said, "You're not really presenting as a woman… that's not to say you don't look feminine, because you do… but your clothes aren't really feminine. Maybe the scarf…" before going off on a tangent about what feminine clothes really are. She commented on my boots, saying they were quite masculine, "…but then again, I have a niece who wears big boots like that".

She was very nice, but the whole experience just left me confused about what was expected from me.

[Christine]

I suppose I'm still struggling with the usual self-criticism. I look in the mirror and I see a man

I'm sure every one of us has done that. Very gradually, I started to see a woman looking back at me, but it took time. It wasn't the time it took for me to adjust my appearance: okay, there was that, but it wasn't the problem. The problem was me, and what I saw in the mirror was... me. And my perception of "me" was "that guy". I think I was a lot more rigid in seeing me therefore seeing a male than anybody else was, but it eventually started to fade given enough time.

And hormones will have a subtle but significant effect over time. Even as someone who often used to sketch faces, I'm not entirely sure what the differences are, but they're there.

It's a shame that your encounter with the clinician seems to have shaken your confidence a bit: they should be a lot more careful not to do that. By way of contrast, Dr Barrett wrote in the letter to my GP that I was "clearly presenting as female", even though that wasn't my own opinion. Was he being kind or did he see something I didn't? I'm not sure, but it was the right thing to say, and its effect was to boost my confidence. And that's what you really need right now, much more than any tweaks to your appearance.

[Casaluna]

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