Coming out to the Inlaws

[Ma'at]

I came out to my parents a few weeks ago but telling my inlaws is proving to be much more difficult. My wife's mother and her husband are both nice enough, but I don't speak to them often. Her dad and I are civil enough to eachother when he comes to visit, but we aren't on great terms.

In both cases, it's difficult to know who should be talking to who and how, so I'm looking for the personal experiences of others. My wife is nervous about the prospect, but I'm not sure if I should be the one to tell them or not.

On another note; I'm having a bad day today. Any tips on combating the pre-HRT blues?

[Christine]

I must confess to being a poor source of advice as both of us are somewhat estranged from our respective families: nothing to do with my trans situation, it's just the way they are. So I don't care that my family know as the okay ones will quietly accept it and the not okay ones can't really behave any worse. My other half doesn't really want to publicise it just in case they cause trouble, which is a possibility.

But my experience of telling other people in general, which I haven't been at all shy about, is that they've mostly been totally accepting and simply get on with me being female now. A few have expressed some fairly low grade surprise, but that's been about all. A tiny minority have cut me off, but there's nothing I could have done about that: no means of delivering the message is going to alter someone's long-term opinion.

So in short, they'll probably be okay, but they might not. There's probably not much that would influence that, but for the sake of etiquette, I suspect it would be better if you told them (though a united front is probably fine).

As for blues, chocolate is always good. Chocolate is good for any situation, other than weight loss, but that's only because the universe has a design fault.

[Casaluna]

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[JustMe]

Hi Ma'at, I just thought I would add how I dealt with this really hard part of the 'journey' we embark on - probably the scariest too.

The first Sis-in-Law was initially shocked but then started to put things together and then 'noticed' some of my 'changes' already. She was quite upbeat about it and has said that they will all support me - again, she was lovely. She told me that she had always thought that I would make quite a nice woman because of my features and slight build (that made my day and has given me a little hope).

The second Sis-in-Law was quite shocked and I could tell that she remained shocked for the hour or so that I was there (she was actually the one who I thought would be the most understanding - amazing how shocked she was really, but you can never tell how people will react). She also said that she will support me and she will be telling my niece later today - I'm sure my neice will be quite matter of fact about it.

The third Sis-in-Law wasn't in twice that I've been round today so her and my Brother-in-Law (her husband) must have gone out for the day. The ironic thing is that they are the ones I am most dreading for their reaction. I've prepared a letter for them to read while I wait for them to finish and then I will see what happens after that. I felt that all of my feelings could be put to them before any reaction and I will know that they have all of the information there in front of them (not like when you are talking and get cut off because of a question being asked). Oh well, I'll have to wait a bit longer even though it is the coming out to them that is stressing me the most........I was hoping to make the final visit yesterday afternoon/evening but they were busy and so they agreed for me to go round first thing this morning. They were fine - shocked, but fine. To them, the most important person is my wife and so they were justifiably worried about her but I said that she is fine (especially as she has had much much longer to get used to the idea). My Brother-in-Law was actually the first man I have 'come out' to and he (although shocked and doesn't really understand - and why would he?) was wonderful.

Only you can gauge how you think they will respond Ma'at and even then, you can't be sure. In my case, I'd already made one visit and used that as a guide to how I would be accepted by the remaining visits (those quoted above). I had decided that the first 2 Sis-in-Law visits would be on a face to face verbal meeting with me explaining the circumstances and then answering questions. The 3rd one was the one I dreaded most because I really didn't know how they would respond - for this, I had prepared a letter (over several weeks to make sure that my words were correct). It was my Brother-in-Law who answered the door - I asked that he read the letter and to please read all of it before reacting. His reaction was one of shock but empathy.

Bear in mind though, this is the beginning and it then takes time for what you are going to tell them to sink in and for them to get their heads around it. Even though I came out to my In-Laws over a year ago now, they are still adjusting to the new 'me'. I can remember the nerves like it was yesterday but I can also remember the sheer relief once every thing was out in the open.

Good luck Ma'at - I'm sure that it will be okay.
Kerry x.