Cheating Relationship Advice Please?

[omysoul]

My big hope is now that this is all in the open that if he continues to have a desire to hook up with random men, he will talk to me about it and I can help him find other solutions or change some of the things we do in our sex life to make it more fulfilling to him. I feel very fulfilled with our sex, the only thing that would make me feel even better is if I could make him more satisfied and give him anything that he may be lacking. I just hope that now he'll be able to express things and realize that I really am "up for anything" and that he shouldn't be ashamed or feel guilty about any desires. I want everyone to honor their desires and have what they need to feel good. I just don't want to be hurt or deceived in the process of that.

I guess the huge question that I have is should I stick by his side and try to work through this? I don't know if I'll completely move past it and I don't know if he can change. He had drug problems in the past that he stopped so I know his willpower is strong and he's capable of anything, but I still feel like I might be foolish for not just walking away.

** I don't know if this is helpful or relevant, but the last committed relationship he was in was over 10 years ago and while in that relationship is when he began his transition. His girlfriend at the time was really supportive and his transition wasn't why they ended things, they just weren't getting along or nice to each other at the end. I'm the only person he's been in a real relationship with since. Everything in the middle has been random hookups with men with no emotional connection. He told me that he always wanted a girlfriend but never thought a girl would ever accept him for the man he is. It makes me really sad that he believed that and I think he still struggles with this all of the time. I'm glad that we met and I've shown him a love that he didn't think could exist, but still frustrated that this love wasn't strong enough to be faithful. Could it ever be, or am I just naive?

[Ice Maiden]

People are very complex and the more issues that you mix in the 'worse' it gets.

I think you need to take a more 'stripped-back' approach to all this.

Like peeling an onion.

Just as (they say) cut to the chase.

Remember it is not exactly unknown for couples to cheat, trans or not, and men are very driven in other ways - Testosterone is a powerful substance.

Maybe you are not the people you were? And by that I mean emotionally/bonding etc?

What was it that worked when you first met that is no longer happening? Often couples just get lazy with each other. Those heady passionate days replaced by smelly socks, farting in bed and snoring

You both need to work at this (and it is work!) if you want the relationship to survive.

And by that I mean BOTH. Some soft soap by him to you to keep you on the line whilst he runs around having sex is simply not fair. And Whilst I cannot say what you should do I think I know what I would do if I was given the runaround like this.

It is often assumed that just because someone is trans that I will instantly side with them. I don't - trans can be cruel and sly and unkind too. You may need to contact 'RELATE' (or a similar relationship counselling service in another country if you are not in the UK) and see if you can sort this out with a third party?

[BeckiKeiko]

Hi Omysoul,

Thank-you for treading carefully with him. A few things really stood out to me about your post, you come across an immensely loving, caring person who is finding it difficult right now. This screamed out to me here:

"He told me that he has sex with men because he hates himself, the feeling makes him feel disgusted, and the disgust matches up with his self image."

I get the feeling there is more than trans going on here.

My girlfriend held me tightly enough... that I felt loved. It might happen with you, it might not, no-one can say. There are no easy answers, some journeys are long and painful. Remember that self care is important, talk to people about how you feel, hold your friends close.

Rebecca x

[Jane_D_C]

Infidelity

It is never easy to know whether to “dump” someone for cheating.

How much have you invested in this person? It is easier to part company with someone in whom you have a low level of investment than in someone to whom you have made a big commitment.

It also depends on the frequency of the offences. For example, the wife of former prime minister John Major stayed with him after had had one extra-marital affair with Edwina Currie.

I’m afraid that men do a good line in making excuses for serial infidelity. (So, no doubt do women.) If your partner is repeatedly unfaithful, is there any reason to expect this behaviour to stop?

If it does not stop, are you willing to carry on the affair anyway?

I certainly would not be making excuses for an unfaithful partner just because they happen to be transgendered. I’m transgendered, and I know my partner expects me to be faithful; and I would have no right to complain about being “dumped” if I were not.

These are the kinds of questions I would be asking if I were in your shoes. I hope that helps.

Low Self Esteem

This is quite a serious issue with transgendered people. Figuring out that we have a serious mismatch between our bodies and our personas, with no road-map to guide us through this little bit of self-discovery, is very damaging to our self-esteem.

It sure as heck didn’t do my self-esteem any good.

Of course, this is not the only reason why people might have low self-esteem.

Some understanding on the self-esteem front is therefore a good idea. However, I certainly don’t expect people to excuse my bad behaviour because of it. I don’t think it’s an acceptable excuse for your partner’s infidelity either.

That might give you an idea to discuss with your partner.


Jane x.

[thedreadpersephone]

Hi omysoul,

how have things been since your last post?

My big hope is now that this is all in the open that if he continues to have a desire to hook up with random men, he will talk to me about it and I can help him find other solutions or change some of the things we do in our sex life to make it more fulfilling to him. I feel very fulfilled with our sex, the only thing that would make me feel even better is if I could make him more satisfied and give him anything that he may be lacking.

My partner is a trans guy and we have been together for 11 years, including through his transition. I'm not saying our sex life has always been the easiest but we have always discussed any problems and tried to resolve them together. If he was unsatisfied and decided to start having sex with other people I'm afraid I wouldn't have much sympathy with that! I definitely wouldn't be wondering what I could do in bed to make things better for him. Being trans isn't some kind of excuse for treating a partner badly.