help, my mother is feeling isolated and confused and i'm not sure how to help her

[palantier]

okay this post may seem a bit weird but here goes recently I went through the stress of A-level exams and towards the end I found myself 'remembering' (seems like the best ay to describe it) feelings and wants that I tried to put away at 16, specifically that I want to be a girl and that I felt I would have been happier if I had been born a girl. I decided to ignore or put those feelings aside because I new (by the way I'm a chemistry and physics student with a bit of a hobby in biology and physiology) that current tech could not give me what I wanted yet. shortly before the end of my exams I realised that I could not keep this up, the constant jealousy and envy of other girls and subsequent depression and sadness, waking up in the mourning and feeling nothing because I wasn't a girl after dreaming almost constantly that in the night, it all got too much with my exams. so I decided to do something about it, I told my mother. she is shocked and upset, although not at me thankfully, and is feeling very isolated and confused as she feels she has no where to turn to. I am living at home with her and my little sister, whom still does not know, but I i'll most likely be off to uni soon in about 3 months.

fortunately I do not feel isolated in anyway as I have friends that I trust implicitly and whom I know would support me (2 already do, both I told at 16), I have everyone here and all the comments should I feel confused or anxious, which has already been a big help so thank you.

but the problem is my mother, she is not what I would call the most tech literate of people and as I said she is feeling very confused, part of the problem is that anything I have access to that helps me doesn't really help her, she's not got the benefit of being in my head so she doesn't know what I think about anything I read or watch nor does she really know how I process information, add to that she isn't familiar with any terminology nor is she really familiar with dealing with terminology she doesn't know.

so now the back ground is done does anyone have any advice with how to help my mother, are there methods I can use to help make things less stressful for her or are there forums specifically for parents to help them. suffice it to say I'm at a bit of a loss as of what to do here so please any suggestions or advice would be very appreciated.

[Ice Maiden]

Well there is a charity called Mermaids that supports parents (usually of minors), but they are often cited as a place to start.

Personally I feel it is passing the problem on.

The best way to deal with this is to just deal with it,

We have to mention that everyone is different, and 'stages of grief' and 'grief models' vary considerably.

Here is one: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

Read that and you will at least be prepared for the possible outcome.

You see this is 'loss' it is the potential loss of the son who becomes a person she must start over again with. And being unable to let go is very similar to a death. Shrine to the son, keeping your old photos, mourning 'him'.

However, you maybe the exact same person but female to her, and this can make it a bit easier. Some trans*girls really do change, their personality, their attitude, and they can become unrecognisable.

Other I know say, I am exactly the same, albeit with make-up long hair surgery and a frock

So these are variables I cannot answer. Because they can literally 'go anywhere' in the moment.

So what would I do I suppose is the best answer here, based on what 18 years of speaking to transgender people every day - many who have approached this same question?

I would just tell her, and keep it as simple as you can.

Your mum may not be the next Steve Jobs in the Computing department, but she will have seen and read stories about transgender people. Sometimes our parents can surprise us!

PLAN

1. Find a go-between if you can, this can be an aunty, grandmother, someone who cares about you but who equally has some influence over your mother - top down. As they can help support you. If she doesn't!

2. Tell he in a letter if you cannot tell her to her face - yes write it out and hand it to her - no PC necessary.

3. Be clear about what it is you need. Do not be flaky! By that I mean do offer windows of escape! A prime example of this is these two statements:

Mum I think I want to be a girl.... This offers the idea it is not really set in stone ....

Mum Ever since I was a child I have felt I was the wrong gender. I am now at the stage where I MUST seek help and face this. Mum I want to .......

Now terminology is problematical! In the transgender community the term 'SEX-CHANGE is frowned upon as most trans*people believe gender is set at birth and you are seeking some csmetic surgery to align wit that - so there is no 'change' as you have always been and always will be you.

However when you are speaking to your mum, she may have NO OTHER point of reference - as you state - she is a bit in the dark with all this.

So use words she understands - and educate her later.

"Mum I want a sex-change!" "Mum I want to change into a woman..."

Simple as that! Shocking and brutal - but it is difficult for someone to not grasp the concept.

Good luck and keep us posted we are listening...

[Ice Maiden]

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[Ice Maiden]

PS. Read the disclaimer...

[Ice Maiden]

PPS - No matter what happens you have a community of friends and support out there. We know almost all of the group organisers and can put you in touch with them if you become isolated! ...Just sayin'