Helping a depressed partner. Advice!

Special area for friends and family of transgender people to get or give advice and support.
ScarlettAve
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Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2014 4:40 am

Helping a depressed partner. Advice!

Postby ScarlettAve » Tue Aug 12, 2014 4:50 am

I'm the partner of an FTM. He has been having some issues with coming to terms with this even though he's responding really well to T. He has everyone in his life systems support but has been battling crippling depression recently. I can't get him to leave the room or to get him out of bed. He keeps talking about how he doesn't want to live because he will never be a "real man." And I can't get him to stop looking at post-surgery top surgery pictures. He's depressed because we won't be able to afford top surgery for a while and has recently been having violet fits which I'm assuming are from the testosterone. I don't know what I can do or say because he's right that I have no idea what he's going through. I don't understand what's going through his head and what kind of thoughts run through it. I've been offering as much support as possible and have been trying to make him happy and motivated but nothing's working. I really need some help here. I can't get him out of bed.

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thedreadpersephone
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Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 6:56 pm
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Re: Helping a depressed partner. Advice!

Postby thedreadpersephone » Tue Aug 12, 2014 2:43 pm

Hi ScarletteAve,

Supporting someone who is depressed is really tough, whatever the reasons behind it. Well done for standing by your partner in this difficult situation. I hope you have some support for yourself too.

I am the partner of a trans guy too. One of the hardest things for me has been accepting that he will never be ‘cured’ or 100% comfortable with his body. My partner has had as much surgery as he is planning to have but obviously will never have the body that he would have had if he was born male. He doesn’t seem to dwell on it a lot but nevertheless still has moments of dysphoria. That will never change and I will never fully understand how he feels. Still, with T and top surgery he is a lot more comfortable, he has a good social life and a fulfilling career, and our relationship is great. Things will never be perfect but they can be better.

I’m concerned that you say your partner is talking about how he doesn’t want to live. Sometimes when people say things like that they are thinking of suicide. Do you think he is suicidal? Have you asked him if he has thoughts of killing himself? I don’t want to frighten you but I think it is important to acknowledge that risk. If he is suicidal then he really needs professional help. It shouldn’t be on you to deal with that by yourself.

In any case if he is so depressed that he can’t get out of bed, maybe he needs some outside help. As you say you can’t afford for him to have surgery for a while so maybe he needs help in dealing with his feelings in the meantime.

I’m not sure what you mean by ‘violet fits’. Did you mean violent? And when you say fits do you mean fits of anger or convulsion type fits?
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