I am in need of some advice

Special area for friends and family of transgender people to get or give advice and support.
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Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2013 4:11 am

I am in need of some advice

Postby Jennibug » Wed Jul 31, 2013 4:35 am

I am Jenni, earlier this week my boyfriend of 5 years came out to me as transgender. While I am ok with transgender I am not sure I can be a support as his lover. I want to be there for him and I will. I am straight there is no question there. I don't want to break up with him over this. I am glad he realized his true self and I know that he hasn't changed, but I am not sure I can be there the way a lover should be.
I don't want to be the b*tch that breaks up with him because of this. I love him very much and I want him to be happy. But I don't think we can have a future i want and he wants because they are two very different futures. I can't help but feel betrayed by this though, we are each others first serious relationships, first lovers, everything. I want to be with him and there for him, but as a lover I don't think I am strong enough
What do you think I should do. I know I can support him as a friend. But If I am not strong enough for me how can I be strong enough for him?

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Re: I am in need of some advice

Postby thedreadpersephone » Thu Aug 01, 2013 10:05 am

Hi Jenni and welcome to the forum.

What you're going through is really difficult, so don't be too hard on yourself if you have a lot of doubts and fears. It's great that you want to be supportive.

With regards to your sexuality, I personally believe that my sexuality, or rather the label I give to it, is my decision regardless of the gender presented by my partner. My partner is a trans guy but I identify as lesbian. We have managed this way for 10 years. Similarly, I know a few women who have stayed with partners who transitioned to female and they still regard themselves as straight. However the outside world may not always see it that way and you might have to be prepared to correct people or let them live in ignorance. Only you can decide if this is something you can live with.

I don't believe you will be a b*tch if you end the relationship. Not all relationships survive someone transitioning. If you are very unhappy or feel you cannot share the future he wants as you say, it would be damaging to both of you to continue the relationship.

On the other hand, this is early days. You have had a shock. Why not think things over and discuss more with your boyfriend before making any big decisions? We can't tell you what to do but we are here to support you.
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Re: I am in need of some advice

Postby Dani's girl » Fri Nov 29, 2013 1:35 pm

Hi Jenni, I am Becca. I, too, am going thru much the same situation as you. Its not an easy one, but I take it day by day. My b/f told me over a year ago that he had multiple personalities, but just within the last 3 months realized that he was unhappy as a male, and that his feminine side was predominant, and he wants to be that woman. While he has alot of medical reasons that this may not be fully possible, I want him to take it as far as he can. His mother is dead set against it, so he is holding back. At home, alone, she is allowed to be herself. She even dressed and went out for Halloween, a test run so to speak, and noone recognized her. Now, me, my mind is having a difficult time wrapping itself around what all this will entail, while my heart is moving ahead and accepting. The only thing changing about this person is the physical appearance, not the personality or the person she is. I'm more anxious for the transformation to begin, I think, than she is. Just wishing you the best of luck with your decision.