My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Special area for friends and family of transgender people to get or give advice and support.
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Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Pennyforthem » Tue Nov 13, 2012 9:27 pm

Thanks for the informative and speedy response.Thankyou I hope I can give him the support he needs . Hes made an appointment at the doctors tomorrow so things will hopefully be slightly clearer in his head (tho he does tend to research very well and has apparently been on line talking to people in the same or a more advanced situation) . He has some doubts (but not about staying as he is) He says he feels like hes been living in a loop :shrugs: out of your list i would say he is more the not identifiying with either sex but leaning more to the feminine side of things. When i was asking all my (prob stupid) questions, he feels like a tom boy girl. Hes shown no interest in feminine persuits but equally shows no interest in traditional male persuits .
I am worried he has just finished uni which i have just found out was a night mare for him in his last year resulting in a lower marked degree than was predicted :thumbdown: and has just started a job, In a traditionaly male dominated profession (more geeky that brawn lol) So do worry about his job (hes not completed his probationary period yet)

i must admit and I ashamed to admit this I am worried what people will say , tho I do love him and dont care what he is/ does as long as hes happy (does that make any sense?) I also have another two boys one who has just started high school so i am worried about him when this all comes out , after all kids can be very cruel. His dad and I are divorced and do worry about his reaction also my partner had deep religous views (some slightly warped imo) this worries me to , but my child will always come first . I think Im like a mummy bear with her cubs ;) , I will kill anyone who hurts them and the thought of any harm or hurt coming to them is like a knife through my heart
I do like the idea of picking a name together if this is what he chooses, and believe me Iv plenty of advice on the clothes and makeup , Iv even got the credit card bills to prove it :lol:

If it turns out he wishes to live as a girl I will help and support him in every way I can , I can see me geting in to a few arguments with certain people tho lol

Sorry I think Iv just rambled but im still pretty stunned and coming to terms with all this ,though one thing the relief on his face when he told me was heartbreaking , jjust kept saying I cant belive Iv just told some one this.
I know this is just the start of a very long journey and hopefully if you do not mind I will look for advice keep the forum up to date and if I can help with any advice from a mums point of view please anyone feel free to ask. xx

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Ice Maiden
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Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Ice Maiden » Tue Nov 13, 2012 10:13 pm

First off its nice to see you relax and kick back a little now. Smilies are funand show we are not to stuffy! :)

I can tell your initial forum nerves on on the wane. ;)

Yes it is a lot to take in but be careful not to overdo it, your son has had probably a lifetime to deal wit this you have had like 5 mins.

The GP is a good choice and if you ask them they are likely to want to refer to local mental health who will then likely refer on to a gender clinic

Not all see the doctor as a route but many need other things like anti-depressants or counselling. GPS can only ever give around 7 mins of their time 12 for 'counselling' if you are lucky. My view is if this is a route that your son wants to take, then ask for a referral to a gender clinic immediately. As a lot of time can be wasted treading water - when they are the only ones in the position to 'do anything useful ' on the NHS.

As Steffi has already said it takes ages to go through the process so there is plenty of time to back out or pause.

I think these things have a way of running away with themselves.

For some transpeople it is like opening a crack in a dam (no pun intended :)) and then WHOOOSH!!!! :shock: :wtf: :wave: BYE!!! as you are carried down stream. Wave to you ex-husband as you pass in the rapids ;) LOL sorry :) Couldn't resist it :) :roll: :gigglersx: :lol:

Seriously though, it tends to be the case that more often than not once someone is under medical supervision it can help in some way justify it.

Many transpeople like to feel they are legitimate and not 'INSANE'!

It takes a psychiatrist to decide that really - and thats where your son will be heading but not because he is 'barmy' but because it is a mental health issue as much as a surgical one.

I cannot speak for your son, but I suspect he feels the world on his shoulders atm.

He wants perhaps to be a girl but is scared to death, so may opt for 'androgynous' to test the water. That can work for some, but for others it can attract more stares as people try to 'work out' if the person is male of female, most just bite the bullet and get on with it. If the person is dressed as a girl and obviously so, quite often people just do not take any notice. After all there are butch woman about with a deep voice screaming at their kids in most high streets. Will anyone be distracted by your daughter floating past :?: :)

What is usually the case is because family have grown up with 'him' they can imagine alsorts of things, and it can become very selfish very quickly. An example of this would be the father saying, "its disgusting," "WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?!!!"

"If you come round my house you better come as a bloke else you ain't coming in!!!"

This is about his feelings, not your son's, remember the 'denial' phase I mentioned earlier. There is often a lot of denial in transgender families.

There is an old joke - "It takes b@lls to be a transsexual!, I'll take your wars anytime!" After all as Eddie Izzard once said, "why would I choose to be like this? To go out in a dress and potentially get verbal abuse and my teeth kicked in unless it was 'serious', actually as far as I am aware he only ever had one scrap and that was in Cambridge about 15 years ago and it went to court. And he is still in one piece, so don't worry too much. :-)

Young people will find any weakness and latch onto it, from ginger hair, to BMI to spectacles, as time goes on it may be kinda interesting and cool to have trans relative. Certainly different from the humdrum lives most lead.


You know I have spoken to a lot of people over the years, and one thing I have heard time and time again, that they do not want to die and leave this world having not dealt with this. To be in a retirement home wishing that you had transitioned and been the woman or man you should have been and not done so is a heartbreaking tale.

There is no telling how well your son will do, some pass really well, others take a bit of 'work' practicing voice and make-up, some will struggle, but they can save up and have some cosmetic surgery for the price of a second hand car :) So do not worry too much at this stage, let us know how it goes at the docs :)

Its good your son is talking to transgender people.

And it is lovely talking to you :)))Xxx

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Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Pennyforthem » Wed Dec 12, 2012 10:01 pm

Not posted for a bit, been away and looking after an elderly family member . son went to doctors , doctor didnt know what to do or who to refer him to , told him he seemed to know more than she did and should just really just try refer him self . Gave him a leaflet for a drop in sexual health clinic!!!!!!! So not really any further on .

Things have been kinda good in a way been feeling close to him, been dropping wee things like nails and clothes in to the conversation (clothes, shoes and beauty products are my passion :makeupx: lol)
although Iv felt him a bit unsure he is starting to open up a wee bit , Im getting to see the daughter he could become and you know what I like [yesss] But boy oh boy I will need to guide him in all these things, some of the colours and styles what can i say :crazy: lol.
On the name thing , he and I are discussing what I would have called him had he been born a girl, we have narrowed down to a few , keeping to era if possible. He wants to change his surname to my maiden name(and the name i use now). This will go down like a lead balloon with his father. Is this normal?
We have a long long journey ahead but the shock has gone now just to deal with others when hes ready to live and be known as a girl
love and peace penny xxxx

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Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Steffi » Wed Dec 12, 2012 10:51 pm

Son can't refer himself direct to the gender clinic.
I posted the link to how the NHS pathway goes above.
If GP doesn't know her stuff, then she should learn! It is her job to do so!

GP needs to refer son to a local psych who will confirm that
1) Son is not just mentally ill.
2) He does seem to have some sort of gender issue which makes referral to a GIC seem appropriate.

There are PDF leaflets designed to instruct GP's what to do and how to procede with these cases.

Here is one such document ... z36SKbrwvA
Note the flow diagram in Appendix A
This diagram is the same in each PCT - it is up to your GP to ascertain where to send your son for preliminary local assessment and to then refer him to the appropriate GIC. Finding this out and setting it in motion is the GP's job
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Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Pennyforthem » Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:34 pm

Thanks Steffi , looks like hes been given wrong info from her , he took a day off work as well and hes only been in the job a couple of months . Il pass on your information to him .. Very annoyed with this doctor esp now!

thanks x

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