My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Special area for friends and family of transgender people to get or give advice and support.
Pennyforthem
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My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Pennyforthem » Mon Nov 12, 2012 10:06 am

My son had confided in me that he may be transgendered . I love my son and want to be able to support him in this period in his life . I want to do all I can to make this as easy as I can for him. Looking for advice what to do what not to do/say . I feel I'm open minded and the only thing about this that upsets me is I can't bear other people and how they might react to his news. I know he has a long struggle ahead of him and need to know how best to support him. Are there any other parents out there in the same situation? Any advice tips anything would be so appreciated . X. I apologise if any terms I use are wrong I'm very new to this

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Ice Maiden
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Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Ice Maiden » Mon Nov 12, 2012 5:55 pm

There are a few issues

How old is your son?

When did your son tell you?

How much has your son told you, or did you catch we will use 'him' for now to make it easier for you. I assume he wants to transition to female? *wants to be a girl) but you maybe already using a term that he is comfortable with as in calling your daughter your son...

What are the fears you mention? Family? Society? Or are the fears about your potential loss?
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Pennyforthem
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Nov 12, 2012 9:37 am

Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Pennyforthem » Tue Nov 13, 2012 11:56 am

Ice Maiden wrote:There are a few issues

How old is your son?

When did your son tell you?

How much has your son told you, or did you catch we will use 'him' for now to make it easier for you. I assume he wants to transition to female? *wants to be a girl) but you maybe already using a term that he is comfortable with as in calling your daughter your son...

What are the fears you mention? Family? Society? Or are the fears about your potential loss?

My son is 24. He told me at the weekend . Think at the moment he and son are the terms he would prefer at the moment I have no Problems with she and daughter if that's what he wants . I'm worried how family and society will treat him. Iv got another two sons so I don't think I'm mourning the loss of a son . I want to learn how to support him. Should I encourage him to try things out or leave it. He has pointed out the suicide rate in transgendered community which has flagged up all sorts of worry for me. I will support in any way I can. I don't mind if I now have a daughter I live him . Wev always been very close and I suppose I thought he could confided in me before now as apparently he's been struggling with this for a couple of years

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Steffi
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Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Steffi » Tue Nov 13, 2012 1:15 pm

It is great that you are so supportive. :thumbup:
Yes, the suicide rate is very high amongst us, but much lower when the transgendered person has the acceptance and support of their family. Family support very greatly increases the chance of successful and happy transition.

The youth of your son is also good news. Hormones have a much stronger effect on younger people and there is less psychological and worldly "baggage"

If your son is transgendered, then he has probably been struggling with this problem for a lot longer than a couple of years.

It takes a lot of courage to speak up, both from self-doubt/loathing, fear of rejection and the desire not to hurt those we love. Gender dysphoria often has phases of varying intensity, so don't be surprised if he wavers away from it a little bit and goes quiet on the subject - some do. The one certain thing is that the dysphoric feelings will come back.

The modern world is MUCH more understanding of transgendered issues. My gender problems also hit a crisis point when I was 24 and I went to a psych - sadly, having found that at least I was not alone and a total freak, I suppressed my feelings again. After a lifetime struggling with depression etc, I finally cracked up (literally - mental hospital), transitioned five years ago at age 53 and am now two years post-op.
My biggest regret is that I didn't do it decades ago - even though in that social climate it would have been much more difficult.

At least your son has made the move earlier in life.

The next step is to get things underway with the NHS because it is a long, slow grind with lots of waiting for appointments. Set the ball rolling now, because it will almost certainly be over a year before he actually sees an experienced psych at a Gender Identity Clinic (GIC)
- If he changes his mind or dithers in the meantime that's ok, no one will mind.

THIS is the NHS pathway.
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Re: My son thinks he his transgendered , help to support him

Postby Ice Maiden » Tue Nov 13, 2012 1:50 pm

My son is 24. He told me at the weekend . Think at the moment he and son are the terms he would prefer at the moment I have no Problems with she and daughter if that's what he wants . I'm worried how family and society will treat him. Iv got another two sons so I don't think I'm mourning the loss of a son . I want to learn how to support him. Should I encourage him to try things out or leave it. He has pointed out the suicide rate in transgendered community which has flagged up all sorts of worry for me. I will support in any way I can. I don't mind if I now have a daughter I live him . Wev always been very close and I suppose I thought he could confided in me before now as apparently he's been struggling with this for a couple of years


First off I'd like to congratulate you on coming here like this for information :clap: , you'd be surprised how many just try to 'wing it...' But sooner or later they end up at the door of a charity or support group as some things are difficult to deal with and rarely happen on support night or when they get together.

In your case you have a son (atm :angel: ) who has expressed the desire to live as a woman. Do you know at this stage how far this is going?

There are many paths 'he' can take.

But to avoid overwhelming you lets keep it to the main 3.

1. Crossdressing from time to time or living fulltime as a woman but not medicating in anyway, perhaps 'minor' surgeries, nose-job (rhinoplasty) breast augmentation etc.
2. GQ (genderqueer) - androgen, living in a place 'between genders' not identifying with either.
3. Transsexual, wishing to take a medical path, GP - Gender clinic (NHS) or private, hormones and genital surgery.

Which path do you feel is the most likely?

Suicide - it is true that the GLBTI community does have high suicide rates, but often because they lack support from a family unit, by your actions you decrease the likelihood of that happening. No-one can know (other than the person with gender dysphoria) for certain what your son is thinking, but take some solace in that your support is priceless!!!

The confident

You say and I quote:
"I'm worried how family and society will treat him."


Transgender people do far better when they have someone to act as a go-between, be that a grandmother who is sympathetic to a sibling and parents of course. You are a 'buffer zone' (bet you've never been called that before).

In other words you can act as a filter in both directions to help handle information. If you son is upset or you go shopping together and buy some girly things, is wonderful.

But upon you return the cliche of a unsympathetic family member could say, "Oh been poncing about in town?!" An argument is likely to ensue and a door slammed somewhere.

The you probably follow 'him' up and comfort 'him' and set things straight by informing that family member is insensitive...

This can usually last a little while.

There are well known models such as the Kubler-Ross one - you probably have heard t before. Even the Simpsons have used it.

Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, depression and acceptance...

Your son your family even you may go through these stages or hop and jump between them for some time. Be aware of them and that they are perfectly 'normal'!

Ths is something you can continue to update us weekly about if you wish. Of course your son can join us on Skype on a Monday night where he can speak to us - he does not have to send video, audio and some avatar image is good enough. Then we can have a chat with him.

For Full details see Skype section- http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=44 you can join in too by listening the the speakers and chatting with a shared mic.

But it is quite likely this is not something he may want to do, but we are there every week should he change his mind. It can be quite daunting to talk to other transpeople, but it can be therapeutic and life affirming as many have already experienced his fears and woes, and can help guide him through it.

The other issue here is passability - you have only ever seen your son as your son as a boy and man. It can come as a bit of a shock to see him crossdressed. As you may struggle to separate who you know and who strangers will see.

This is where you as a mum with a potential new daughter will have to guide 'her' as at this stage it would be appropriate to use the correct pronouns as to say, "he" or "him" when in the town shopping could 'out' her to the public when they may not even notice.

You are a woman, you have grown up and had to learn what to wear, what looks good, hair styling, make-up tips it is all there and for you maybe a LOT of fun, you may have a new girlfriend to do things with and defend for a very long time :)

Life is a gambit, you can never really be sure what is around the corner, I heard today that my postman - who is a cycling one - young, fit and healthy, wore Bermuda shorts in the winter - you know the type - his car turned over and he is paralysed from the neck down atm!

So we never know what is going to happen, but most things can be fixed with support. A person or friend can take a wheelchair-user shopping, home help, meals on wheels... it is all about being there for someone in need.

You seem to be there, so now - allowing for what has been said -are your worries what the neighbours will say or are you concerned that you son maybe attacked for crossdressing?

If we sit down and imagine all these dark things noone would ever leave their house, if they do maybe they will be burgled... :) or mugged by their car! :shrugs: [yesss] :noway:

Transgender people today have a lot more legal protection than they once had, the Police take transphobic crime and abuse (public order) very seriously indeed!

So if it came to that pick up the phone and call you community police officer for a chat.

That said transgender people are everywhere atm, a friend just won Big Brother this year (Luke), and there is a documentary next week on BBC Three about changing bodies and Jackie Green a young TS will be on that.

However they are very passable, Jackie has not even had a male puberty it was withheld with meds so she is lucky, but most of the trans community are really quite 'ordinary' really. It is quite likely you have past many when shopping and never even thought about it or given then a second glance. That could be your son one day.

So in summary

1. you are doing a great job - do not forget that. You asked what you can do for your son, just ask him. See what he says. He maybe just really embarrassed about all this and be terrified to leave the house crossdressed, it is exhilarating for many transwomen and they almost all remember "that day''. But survive it and move on...
2. you worry about suicide - talking and being supportive will help considerably here. 'Be there' for him, there is very little more you can do than that, so many families cannot handle it and abandon their children.
3. Whatever he thinks about how he looks it can be fixed, wearing the right clothes, the way one talks, mannerisms to invasive and expensive surgery... Hormones can chage fat deposits on the body too and soften features, there is electrolysis for hair removal that even average beauty salons can do these days. Its all a matter of degree, quite often transpeople have reported that they were 'terrified' :o :shock: :? , went out crossdressed to TESCOs came home and thought - UH? Nobody cared?!!??!! :shrugs: :lol: - they all have their own problems - especially in this jobless and miserable christmas climate! The last thing on their mind is your son :)

Keep posting and if your son is up to it maybe get him to join in too or start his own blog - it is hidden (for obvious reasons) so needs to be registered to do that. But worth reading some others there. viewforum.php?f=27

Keep posting - remember what you are saying is being read by others and many who are in the same position as you - it is valuable to have a mum's view of things. :) [yesss]

One last thing you could have a chat about what he wants to achieve next - does he want to dress-up and go out clubbing have fun with gender, or does he want to go and have a 'sex-change' (not a term many tend to use) but this is layman's terms. We all know what that means :) It maybe also nice to think about what girl's name he would like something perhaps you could choose together :) You can keep it secret for now but it is nice to do that after all you named him the first time so some input second time could be fun :)x
Disclaimer!!!! Please Read! http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

Who am I?
viewtopic.php?f=44&t=30



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