I know i want to be a woman

[Beatrix]

Hello, you can call me Beatrix as she is me and I am her. This isn't a sob story by the way, it's not meant as some grand speech or testament either. I'm not really sure what it is but I hope that it creates some positivity for someone else who is in my position.

I was born male and am currently 29. I've always enjoyed playing the woman any opportunity I could get. Games, in stories, plays, my dreams, even when I imagined my future it was always feminine. I have hated my body since I was like 12 or 13. I've never really been truly comfortable with it or felt confident in myself because of it. For years I've had a beard as I can't stand my face. I struggle to find clothes I like for the sex I was born as. I wore my partners clothes when I was home alone and it felt great. It could of only felt better if i had the body to go with the outfit. There have been countless over moments where it just didn't feel right as a man throughout my life. fast forward a bit and I'm pretending to be a woman online. Not for sexual gratification or arousal, nothing of the sort. I didn't know why I was so desperate to pretend I was this Beatrix character, I assumed it was just a silly phase. That was a couple of months ago that I started to question why Beatrix.

I finally breakdown on the 7th of July. i loose it I'm at my computer and I need to know why Beatrix. My mind is in shatters I'm emotional and confused big time. I have to get answers, I jump on chat rooms and ask for any trans women to message me as I need advice. Immediately two conversations pop up and I ask them how they knew they weren't who they thought they were. I got very different answers from each of them which didn't answer any of the questions in my head. But they did something for me which I'll never forget. The first told me to start adjusting my mannerisms and any characteristics to a more feminine way. Things like how i sit, eat drink, walk, gesture with my hands anything that i could do to make myself feel like a woman. She also suggested getting my own dress and clothes (something I am extremely looking forward to!!). The second did something I still can't believe, she asked me what name I would choose if I became a woman. I told her it was Beatrix, to which she told me to say out loud "Hello my name is Beatrix". I'll admit I scoffed at this idea thinking it was silly. As soon as I tried to say that simple sentence I broke. Tears flooded my face, I couldn't get past hello. I told her it made me cry and I couldn't even say it to which she said to take some deep breaths and try again. "Hello I am Beatrix". I said it, I burst into tears again but couldn't stop smiling. The biggest smile I've had in years. I havent stopped smilimg since and keep calling myself Beatrix. The online persona doesn't cut it anymore. I'm not happy pretending to be her as I actually want to be her. Everything has fallen into place. I've shaved my beard off and realised the reason I didn't like my face was because it looks feminine to me and i wasn't ready to accept that before. The reason I dont like my body, because its a man's body and it was too confusing for me to work out why that was wrong. The reason I cant find clothes i like is because I'm looking at the wrong gender. The reason for everything was because deep down I want to be a woman.

I am not completely ready to come out just yet which is what has bought me to this site. I want to enjoy this moment before the storm of coming out. Walks as Beatrix around parks, going shopping and trying on all the clothes I've denied myself for so long. Even bras I'm excited about. I know that when I come out everything is going to change and it is going to be tough, but I know what is beyond that storm is going to be worth any pain or sacrifice. For the first time I am excited about my future.

What i need help with is finding a way of getting in contact with people who are going through this like me and are willing to meet and support each other. I suppose I would like a friend to travel this path with. Someone who will come with me and help me try on clothes, give me advice etc. As it stands I havent told anyone who knows me about this. So as you can probably tell I'm desperate for that friendship right now.

I know that I'm probably not quite handling this in the best way or a sensible way but this is all so new and scary to be honest. So any advice or help would mean the world to me as so far you're all I got.

P.S. sorry for the essay!!!

[Ice Maiden]

Hi thank you for your post as it will help others on a similar path!

No matter how many times we hear these stories they are always unique and different to each person and only you know how you feel.

What is it you want exactly from coming out? Would you be happy finding friends or a supportive group where you can dress up and then go back to male mode to work and play as Beatrix? Or do you want to fully transition and live as Beatrix or do you want hormones and surgery? Or something else?

The thing is it is so easy to get carried away with ideas and reading the internet and maybe seeing glamourous trans women and so on but in truth you have to dig deep and decide what is it that you really need to move forward?

There are many groups out there and you could do a lot worse than Join the Beaumont Society and you get a magazine and a list of venues. Although in light of Covid this maybe a bit quiet for the time being in most venues as they tend to be pubs and bars. If you have been a woman all your life and just had the 'wrong bits' then you already know this and have known all your life and it is relatively straight forward to address go to your GP and ask for a referral to Charing Cross Gender Clinic. If you are not sure then tread very slowly and gently and make the right choices. You want nice supportive people around you who host meetings and just find yourself first.

[Ice Maiden]

#Replies

[Beatrix]

Thank you for your nice words. I'm having to wait until I'm paid again to sign up for Beaumont society but it is something I definitely want try. As it stands i want to live as a woman, if i could open an app and push a button and suddenly change i would. I know the reality is going to be full heartache and bad days but I want to fully be this Beatrix that I know i am inside. I know i physically want to look and become a real woman as much as medical science can enable me to.

I am just looking for people to be able to talk to and ask what I imagine are some simple questions and some that will probably be hard to answer. So support and friend ship I guess. I want to come out so I can be the woman I feel inside, to live my life how I truly feel it should be lived.

[GalmOne]

Glad to meet you, Beatrix, I hope this new life will be better for you!