Advice. Ex partner. Refuses to let me take child to school

[Rebecca1989]

Hi.

First time posting. Okay. I'm a 31 to trans woman. Have been out for nearly two years and for the most part I'm happy with my decision. The decision ended my relationship with my partner. But that was expected.
I'm a good parent. I love my child and only want to spend time with her and do the things that all parents do.

My ex now tells me she doesn't want me taking my child to school. I asked her why she dodges the question. When we do sit down she dodges questions and then she proceeded to tell me that it's for my daughter sake. Which is complete horse pop. she is 3 and doesn't see me as anything other than her dad. (She calls me dad as that's what I am to her and I appreciate what cis woman have to go through to have a child and I wouldn't take that away from anyone.)
I personally think she is using that as an excuse to justify her prejudice and to try and control my daughter and the time I have with her. You would think after her having no father her entire life (her mum is a trollop) that she would want her daughter not to miss out but obviously that's not the case.
I said I don't care what you tell the job center or anyone else she blogging money off. I still give her money every week. All I want is what every parent has the right to.

[Ice Maiden]

I think the trans thing maybe clouding the issue.

It maybe easier to stand back and imagine that there is NO trans* element here whatsoever for a moment.

What we have here is a couple where one parent basically is looking for an out. Some couples when they break up move to another part of the country. As it is usual for the (biological) mother to get custody in most cases, sad but true (fathers for justice etc etc), then it is very tempting to upsticks and move away. Or far enough to be a pain or impossible for the ex to visit. Then they meet a new partner the child has a new daddy and they live happily ever after. Blaming the ex for not visiting turning the child against them. Children are so often used as manipulating pawns in these things.

Now this above can happen regardless of any additional issues!

NOW you can add the trans* issues to this mix. The immediate thought at least for me is this is perfect to use to distance you from your childs life. It can happen very slowly and be almost subliminal but it has to start somewhere.

Whilst it is very difficult to resolve without dialogue with both parties, after all we are only hearing your side of the story here. It is something you may have to carefully manage.

The difficulty is you are damned if you do and damned if you dont.

If you are overzealous demanding and heavy handed you may come across as a bully. If you are over sympathetic, understand that your life is complex and challenging for others and you back off to allow them the space to thrive so the child does not get too many questions as time goes on. Parents at the school gates will be more of an issue at this stage than the kids themselves. Then you risk losing a little bit more contact, and this is that risky slippery slope to being cut out of the childs life altogether at some point.

SUMMARY
Very difficult to advise when there are two parties and only one is posting. Also what does the child want? In social work much is built on what is in the best interests of the child. If the child is poorer for you not being around visibly distressed and depressed that will have an impact on their lives and metal health. Including yours! It maybe possible to speak to a socialworker or court welfare officer to see if arbitration is possible as normailises things. However, if you feel stepping back and maybe making a concession whereby you dont take the child to school due to the Schoolgate Mafia whispering and backstabbing. Would it be possible to arrange something else in its place? You dont want to become estranged from the mother as said above it rarely turns out well as they can just shut the door!

[Ice Maiden]

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