am i trans? confused! please help.

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rhydberg

am i trans? confused! please help.

Postby rhydberg » Sat Dec 16, 2017 4:50 am

So essentially, I've been having an existential crisis the past few weeks. I was assigned female at birth, and I've always been pretty neutral in gender expression. I never really felt there was something wrong, per se, with me being a girl. But as a kid I always not only always liked male characters better but I wanted to be them. Halloween costumes were always of male characters, if they were a gendered costume. I hated (still do) and felt uncomfortable (still do) in dresses, skirts, etc. I don't enjoy wearing makeup and I don't like wearing traditionally feminine things. I've never minded being called a girl.... but being called he/him, I don't know, kind of excites me? I've begun going by a new name on the internet, a masculine name, and I like it.

But the thing is I'm not sure if I like being a male more in theory than in concept. Whenever I try to imagine, really imagine, myself as being a guy– in real life, going on T and dressing like a male and telling people to call me a male name– I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. I'm not sure that feels completely right. And I never felt like there was something wrong with me being female. It's really weird. It's like I feel magnetized towards being a male, drawn towards it by forces outside of my control, but I don't know if I like or hate this trajectory... I'm also terrified of what my family would say, how people would view me. I'm sexually attracted to boys and I'm afraid no man would ever want to be with me if I am trans... and this freaks me out because one of my worst fears in life is being alone forever. I want to find a soulmate and I'm afraid I wouldn't get that if I am. That's not even counting that I don't even know for sure if I am. I don't experience dysphoria. I don't hate my breasts or hips. I just... kind of like it when I'm called male, or a male name I guess.

I have no clue.

If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. Cheers

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Re: am i trans? confused! please help.

Postby Ice Maiden » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:04 pm

Okies I willanswer in bold text Thanks for posting and being brave enough to share this with us. It is a great first step :thumbup:

I've been having an existential crisis the past few weeks. I was assigned female at birth, and I've always been pretty neutral in gender expression. I never really felt there was something wrong, per se, with me being a girl. But as a kid I always not only always liked male characters better but I wanted to be them. Halloween costumes were always of male characters, if they were a gendered costume. I hated (still do) and felt uncomfortable (still do) in dresses, skirts, etc. I don't enjoy wearing makeup and I don't like wearing traditionally feminine things. I've never minded being called a girl.... but being called he/him, I don't know, kind of excites me? I've begun going by a new name on the internet, a masculine name, and I like it. But the thing is I'm not sure if I like being a male more in theory than in concept. Whenever I try to imagine, really imagine, myself as being a guy– in real life, going on T and dressing like a male and telling people to call me a male name– I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. I'm not sure that feels completely right. And I never felt like there was something wrong with me being female. It's really weird. It's like I feel magnetized towards being a male, drawn towards it by forces outside of my control, but I don't know if I like or hate this trajectory... I'm also terrified of what my family would say, how people would view me. I'm sexually attracted to boys and I'm afraid no man would ever want to be with me if I am trans... and this freaks me out because one of my worst fears in life is being alone forever. I want to find a soulmate and I'm afraid I wouldn't get that if I am. That's not even counting that I don't even know for sure if I am. I don't experience dysphoria. I don't hate my breasts or hips. I just... kind of like it when I'm called male, or a male name I guess. I have no clue. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. Cheers Top


Historically a lot of people ask questions here to validate their feelings. In other words they kinda already know what they are they know how they feel but just need a sounding board to bounce off in a safe space! Here you state you like to dress as a guy on occassion, play the gender role of male online but still like being a girl. If we switch this as women can dress in masculine attire more or less unjudged. Imagine you were a male (designated male at birth) and you liked to dress up as a woman in fancy dress, you liked to play a female online, you were worried to come out lest you be judged, and you still fancied women. You feel 'magnetised' towards being male but do not want to fully transition?

Most would say you are a cross-dresser or 'TV' and enjoy the pleasure that gives you it is 2017 almost 2018 even on very male-dominated online communities (like TWITCH) they now are pretty cool with 'DO NOT ASSUME GENDER' and if you play games like Fortnite and PubG you randomly get to play other genders.

So my advice (it is your decision) would be to play with gender roles. It might be as a male online you feel more included and less judged - example if you play a game online and you sound female the behaviour around you changes to what it would be as a male. Maybe because younger people can be socially awkward. This less female baggage (seual advances and abuse) may feel more freeing (albeit temporarily). We like to think it is an equal wold. But there are gender expectations that you just may think are unfair and slowly this has driven you to a more masculine mindset?

Carry on as you are, you know how you feel, there are plenty of places you can present as male and identify as male even if it is once a month! Gay Bars and so on. If you are younger speak to trusted friends or a family member who is cool. If you are really struggling you can approach your family doctor, pop in and say you have a sore throat, then when you get to sit down change the subject to gender! And maybe they can refer you for some additional support services and agencies confidentially to work it out? But for now take it easy, fulfil your roles as you have been and see where this leads?
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Re: am i trans? confused! please help.

Postby Ice Maiden » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:07 pm

#Replies
Disclaimer!!!! Please Read! http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

Who am I?
viewtopic.php?f=44&t=30