Experimenting with gender

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Experimenting with gender

Postby SneakyNinja » Wed Sep 20, 2017 6:32 am

When I was a kid, I used to like playing the male characters in games. If we were playing house, I’d be the father or the little brother. If we were playing our weird sexual experimentation game, I was always the boyfriend. Nobody else wanted to be those characters, so it worked out well. I desperately wanted to be able to pee standing up. I would always get in trouble for cutting my own hair, until my dad finally relented and just let me keep it short. I liked wearing my brother’s old clothes, which worked out great for my parents, who didn’t have to buy new clothes for me. I used to fantasize about one day growing a beard.

This continued for most of my childhood, until I was about 16. Then, I started growing my hair longer, and shopping in the girl’s section. I began to experiment with makeup, and I started to like looking pretty. I grew out of my “weird tomboy phase” and became quite feminine. As an adult, I have always just attributed that to growing up in an abusive situation, and wanting to hide my femininity because it was a source of such unpleasantness.

But lately, I have been starting to dress in men’s clothes more often. I love the way I look in them. It just feels so good, and I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror. I love having short hair again. I have been researching chest binders, though I don’t think they’re entirely practical for a chest of my size. Those stand-to-pee prosthetics look pretty cool. But I also still love wearing makeup and dresses, and looking sexy.

I’m not sure if I’m just reverting back to my old security blanket because I've had a lot of scary changes in my life, or if I’ve rediscovered a part of myself that I have kept suppressed for a long time. I’m also not sure if it’s just a desire to fit in with all my trans friends, or just a weird fashion choice or something. I don't want to go around appropriating trans culture or something. I’ve been lying awake at night thinking about it, and it’s getting to interfere with my ability to function during the day, so I had to talk about it somewhere. What do you guys think about all this?

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Joined: Thu Sep 14, 2017 7:25 pm

Re: Experimenting with gender

Postby Riverfern » Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:26 pm

That sounds very familiar to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually a guy inside but the thing is I don't hate being female. I feel like if I had been born male I would be more comfortable in my own skin. But the fact that I wasn't doesn't bother me. I wish that gender wasn't a big deal in our cultures. I don't really have any advice for you because I'm in a very similar situation. Maybe you could try dressing like a guy for about a week and see how it makes you feel? You could still be a guy and sometimes like being pretty. There are many types of guys! But good luck figuring it out.

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