How do I even begin?

[Rick]

Hi, I'm 17 years old, and today might be the most dysphoric day I've ever had. I'm sorry to bother anyone in this group, but I can't talk to anyone 'bout this.

See, if I recall my early years, there were no problems. I was a pretty girl, I had no deals and I enjoyed everything my parents decided to dress me with. I wore lots of dresses. Then it all changed when I had to cut my hair: I started to look more or less like a boy, but I wouldn't mind; other people did, though. They started to call me with boy pronouns, and treat me like such, and you wouldn't believe how happy I was! And when they would find out, that was the bad part.
So the years passed by, and the more I grew up, the more I refused to dress in a feminine way. I trashed all my dresses and skirts. I hated them. I started to prefer short cuts, and never wore make-up.
The worst part of my puberty (which is not over yet..) were/are my parents. They never actually understand why I do all of this, and sometimes it's just like...they refuse to accept it. They still ask me why I don't like girly things. And when I discovered that something was going on in me, that MAYBE I refused to look like a girl because I didn't feel like one of them, I tried to talk with them about it: they totally ignored me. They didn't understand it once again. And we never talked again.

Now, I feel like trash most of the time. I thought I felt ok with my body, with the way I look: turns out that I hate my breasts, and most of the time I'd prefer to have a penis. I'd love to walk around with clothes I like, with a BODY I like, looking in a mirror and finally think "Yeah, I'm pretty handsome, you know what?" and feel loved by my family and friends.
But the more I think of the future, the more I feel trapped and scared. Disgusted. There's no way out of this.
My family would pretty much disown me, and my parents.... They would cry.
And my little sister? She wouldn't be able to understand.

I'm waiting to finally love myself. But I can't do it while I'm still this way. My mom says that I don't like myself because I don't dress in a pretty way or wear make up. She says: "You're so beautiful and pretty...but you don't even want to try it". This always made me sad.

Again, sorry for this super long thing, but I don't really know what to do.
Peace.

[Steffi]

Hi and welcome

(I'm MtF so traveled the other way.)

First ...... what country are you in? - there is little point in us pointing you to UK things if you are in the USA and also the access to medical intervention is different.
Clearly you still live with parents - are you at school, college, working or what?
I don't know how much "freedom" you have........whether you buy your own clothes? I'm assuming that you buy fairly gender-neutral clothes from the female selection?

The FtM's wear a breast-binder to flatten and minimise their bust.
You might begin to shop in the men's department, buy actual male clothes.
- how old were you when you used to get mistaken for a boy? Does that still happen?

Having the first conversations with one's family is the hardest part, getting them to take it seriously, to recognise that there is a real situation here and not something that just needs shouting down or reasoning away.
Whilst living under your parent's roof, your options are limited until you do get them to take your situation seriously.
- if you truly are transsexual, then this problem does not go away. Ever.

One piece of advice ....... once you do take that stance of "I am a transsexual" then you have to stick to it firmly. Do not waver or backtrack, do not give an inch because doing so weakens your position, devalues your hard-won argument and gives them a ray of hope that you CAN be talked (or blackmailed) out of your course.
So ...... YOU need to be sure in yourself and be prepared to commit to it completely.

Once you are sure of that, you do need to have "that conversation" with them.
You might begin by saying "You think that you know who I am or that you know who I OUGHT to be...... but you don't because you are not in here where the actual me lives. I AM in here and I KNOW who I am and you need to take me seriously when I try to talk to you and tell you about it. I need your help, not your opposition because this is a difficult enough path to tread without also having a burden of guilt and disappointment to carry too.
Perhaps you should read this:- "
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wh ... nder-child