Opinion and Help

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Opinion and Help

Postby TranSketch » Mon Nov 14, 2016 2:12 am

My chosen name is Mei, I'm 26 and as you've probably guessed a male who wants to be the fairer sex, when I was younger I would have been a semi convincing trap and I look back fondly at those photos when I actually looked cute when I dressed up, now at 26 my body has developed much more masculine so I look horrible in feminine clothes and have been put off wearing them outright, just to clarify not a crossdresser as I really would love to be a girl but I'm coming to the end of my tether.

For years since I joined working life I had to tussle between acting like a guy and in my private life at least having some girly aspects but they've all dwindled to near enough nothing, haven't the energy or the care anymore to even shave my legs as I think what's the point, I'm no woman or cute girl and I can't pull it off, I had a close friend who initially made me open up more to my feelings of being trapped as a female in a males body and I owe him for that more than her realises, my friend being a former Drag Queen he seemingly knew something was different about me and coaxed it out of me and he give me the chance at the time to dress up freely in skirts and such and just be comfortable about it.

There are days were I get so depressed about this as there are only two options NHS treatment and Private Funded transition, I haven't the money for private treatment unless I somehow win the lottery and the NHS option is to long winded, I fail to see why I should have to endure living a year or whatever it is as a female when I neither look or sound feminine, I was bullied for enough years through school I don't need that in my working adult life to.

If they'd give you the option to sign a contract stating you want the transition and hormone treatment allowing you to bypass the live as a female procedure but if you at anytime decide to reverse the process that you'd be charged for the treatment up to that point I'd happily sign it with my own blood, it'd mean a lot less messing and speed up the process but as it stands I am not subjecting myself to potential abuse because I look like a guy in drag (no offense meant but I do look horrible when I wear female clothing now), the simple fact is I feel pinned between a rock and a hard place, my mind knows what it should be but the body doesn't match, same time my mind knows to reach that stage neither option is any good for me.

This also affects my social life as I feel socially awkward in public and online, I use a chat program and even though I feel technically female and list myself as such on it I feel to awkward to speak to people online as I'm technically presenting an image that is only half true but I don't want to state I'm male either, the problem with this is I speak with someone for ages and consider them a friend, then I feel a douche essentially lying about my gender so I out of guilt and decency I tell them the truth and I then have to worry then about there reaction, if they don't want to speak to me afterwards as they feel offended or hurt by my deceit I understand it but it's not done with malicious intent by any means however it still upsets me if they would rather not deal with me again.

As far as dealing with people not behind a computer screen I only ever give half my effort, I'm not the true me and I know it, I can't have a proper romantic relationship as I like girls so I don't even know if I class as straight or lesbian for a start, but regardless of this I put on the boyfriend front which is essentially a long practiced act, I may like or love the girl or alternately just be friends with them but I can only display one forced male aspect of me. I'm still a virgin for the simple reason I never felt the impulse to go further with girls as I don't feel right doing such a thing with them whilst I'm technically male, it's a part of my anatomy that my brain says shouldn't be there, not trying to be crass just being honest with you folks.

I think put simply I don't know what to do with my life at this point, there seems to be to many barriers to achieve what I want but yet I also feel if I transitioned I could start putting my life in some sense of order and at least not keep putting on a front anymore, I may even be happier with my life than currently, I won't deny my thoughts go to dangerous places sometimes but I'm to cowardly to act on them, there must be some irony to being suicidal at times yet hating the thought of seeing blood or willingly hurting myself.

Any advice to alternate approaches for transitioning would be appreciated or just a comment in general, thanks for reading this.

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Re: Opinion and Help

Postby Steffi » Mon Nov 14, 2016 2:48 am

I posted the same answer to your other very similar post

Read this :-)

....and perhaps also the posts linked from my signature "Who I am"
Contact me privately via "steffi AT transgenderzone DOT com" Click to see Who I am

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fix your plan, Take me as I am (Dreamtheatre - As I Am)

I have about twenty tracks of me in my prior life as a guitarist up on You-Tube, if anyone wants to check them out
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8QKYu ... zkA/videos

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