What's the point

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What's the point

Postby WhoCares » Sat Oct 08, 2016 6:07 am

Honestly, what's the point. I'm never gonna be a girl, and even if i transitioned I'd just be a frankensteinish monster of hormones and surgery. If I came out at like 12 i'd be fine, but i'm about to be 19, and i've already gone through puberty. I've missed all the events that cis girls go through, i'd never even pass socially. I don't know what kind of sick cosmic joke this is

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Steffi
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Re: What's the point

Postby Steffi » Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:33 pm

QUALIFIER - my opinions are my own and often do not coincide with the opinions of others. Nor do they reflect any official site-policy

I'm never gonna be a girl, and even if i transitioned I'd just be a frankensteinish monster of hormones and surgery.


Why thank you - I am such a frankenstein monster as you describe, as is the site owner IceMaiden. :-)
I transitioned in my fifties, having wasted decades living through EXACTLY the same inner turmoil as yourself.
I did NOT want to be "a transsexual" ........ I wanted to be A WOMAN and the idea of being a surgically constructed poor imitation did not appeal to me in the least.
So I lived my life in secret inner misery, right up to the point where I was going to kill myself - I was actually in the process, tidying up my affairs etc.
I went slightly mad ........ and then I thought "If I'm going to kill myself anyway, I might as well do what I've always wanted to do and live as a woman until then."
I have never looked back. From the moment that I transitioned - and by inference finally totally accepted myself - I had peace.
I knew immediately that whatever the future might hold, I was never going back.

I do not pass very well and because of my age and the economy my general lifestyle is not great. Certainly I was much better-off before ...... I had respect as a male, a wife, adequate money and I played in my own cabaret/rock-band where I owned the PA, light-show and van.
But none of it was enough. In my heart was misery, so much so that eventually I chose simply to die.

Now I am poor, do very little interesting and by a lot of metrics life is worse.
- but in my heart, there is peace. At last ....... there is peace.

I know who I am ......... I accept totally who I am and people can therefore like me or not, as they choose. It matters little to me - unless they're trying to kick me in the face of course.
As it happens, I live my life with near zero aggravation. I now only wear make-up and fancy clothes if I'm specifically going out somewhere and nice lingerie only when I am expecting some possible intimacy.
- in short, what a normal, born-woman does.
I walk around shopping and doing my day-to-day business without hinderance and am accepted and treated as female. It is extremely rare for me to be insulted or sneered at (.....not that it matters ...... does not wound me inside ....... I KNOW who I am) granted that I do not live in a notably hostile area anyway, a medium-sized town in North Cheshire, near Manchester.

I do not know what sort of help or response you expected from here but since your post was caustically blunt with no regard for the feelings of others on the site I will answer you in similarly direct terms.

1) Your big problem is that you hate yourself. How can you expect anyone else to like you when you don't even like yourself?
2) You are in Denial. Life sucks. It's a random crapshoot. Some are born with ginger hair, crossed eyes, deaf, lame, tall, short, gay, born into Royalty, richness, utter poverty ...... whatever. It's random and we can only play the cards we were dealt.
You wanted to be born a woman. Well tough sh1t. That ship sailed when sperm met egg and you lucked out.
Life's random pot-luck decreed that you are a transsexual.

The ONLY road to peace is an acceptance of who you are. Until then, you will be in misery.

"What you wanted" is irrelevant. THIS is the hand you were dealt and you can either play it whole-heartedly and make the best of it, or you can sit and p1ss and moan about it -in which case you will live with lifelong inner misery and regardless of what you do achieve in life, almost all of it will feel pointless and utterly unfulfilling. Even your wife/girlfriend and closest frienships have no value ....... because those friends only like the person you are PRETENDING to be. They don't like YOU ....... and neither do you.
You are who you are.
Man-up and DEAL with it.

Your options are:-
1) Carry on denying who-you-are and have a life of lonely inner misery which detracts from anything you do or feel.
2) Immediate suicide.
3) Years of misery until you snap ...... then suicide.
4) Years of misery until - like me and countless others - it finally overwhelms you and you transition late in life, regardless of the cost socially, emotionally and financially. By then hormones have much less effect and you have suffered constant inner pain and simply wasted the best years of your life.
5) Begin transition .....now, whilst you are still young. Masculinisation of yourself has not yet finished. Intervening as soon as possible will mean that female hormones have their biggest influence and at your young age will almost certainly be dramatic in effect.
HORMONES HAVE EFFECTS THAT YOU CANNOT EVEN CONCEIVE AT THIS MOMENT.
Apart from the physical changes, they will free you from the tyranny of testosterone and will also give you peace by quelling your inner angst and diminishing your self hatred. Hormones change the way you think, the way your mind sees things.
Once you overcome your own doubts and fears and actually begin, Transition and life after is nowhere near as bad as you fear.

The key thing ...... the VITAL thing is self-acceptance. It took me decades - I can only hope that you get there quicker and do not waste your life as I did. It might help to meet and talk to some transsexuals who are happy enough with their lives.

I will briefly attach these pictures - despite your rather tactless post, I have "put myself out there" for you - I hope that you appreciate it :-)
- also ...... click on the "Who I am" link in my signature and read those threads.
Beardy self.jpg
a year before transition

Steffi webcam.jpg
a few months after transition, om webcam

bowling.jpg
bowling, 5 years post-op

Mistres.jpg
Mistress
Contact me privately via "steffi AT transgenderzone DOT com" Click to see Who I am

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fix your plan, Take me as I am (Dreamtheatre - As I Am)


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