Need Some Advice

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Need Some Advice

Postby Guest » Mon Aug 15, 2016 10:11 pm

*sigh* I have no idea whether this will help but this problem is a complicated one and I just need to talk it out with someone. I don't really know where to turn or who to talk to about this so I figured I could start here. This isn't really something most other people could relate to.

I am transgender, MtF, and I need some advice in regards to donating sperm. I have pretty much accepted that I won't be having any children myself so I thought to donate sperm to a bank to be used for other people instead. I like guys, so, yeah, won't really happen for me. And, yes, I already know about freezing sperm for myself and all that but there is no guarantee that will work, and the enormity of the task, as well as the expense, of trying to produce a child with a guy just means that it isn't likely to happen. I have accepted that. So, I decided to donate sperm instead. Though, donating sperm in the UK is public, and these kids to which I would be the biological father could seek me out when they are old enough.

That idea terrifies me. I have no idea how I would handle that since I am the sort to downplay my previous life as a guy. I mean, in 18 years from now my life would be VERY different, and I would probably have entirely forgotten I ever donated sperm; I probably wouldn't believe the kid. Not only that but I have no idea what will happen to those kids. What if they were conceived and raised in a bad home? What if they were taught and raised in all the wrong ways? It would be heartbreaking to see my children, my own flesh and blood, potentially reduced to... God knows what. Criminals? Druggies? Thugs of all shades? Or just people scarred and tormented by their guardians and their demons?

Of course, my kids could also have great lives too, and I very much hope for that. But I would have no influence in their lives. Would they be alright? Would they be taken care of properly? That is all I really care about. If they were raised well then it may be nice to see how well they have done, perhaps, but if they raised badly then, well, what could I do? I would want to help them, I would want life to get better for them, but what could I do at that point? And, of course, what if their intentions toward me are less than noble? So many things to worry about. *sigh*

Sorry for the long post but I really do not know what is best here. If anyone has any ideas or insights into this issue that they could spare then it would be most appreciated.

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Ice Maiden
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Re: Need Some Advice

Postby Ice Maiden » Mon Aug 22, 2016 4:09 pm

The problem is to address why you want to donate sperm.

Initially it appears that you are sad that your genes will not be passed on and this somehow makes you less of a human participant?

The truth is if you watch 'Who doi you Think you Are' when they trace the ancestry, it never ceases to amaze me how soon they lose touch of who went before. In some cases past their great grand mothers and it is all over. Genetically we are a mess anyway, I mean we all started in the cradle of Africa, and over thousands of 'donated sperm' ended up here :)

So the initial motivation could be seen to be selfish rather than selfless? The cruel may say want your cake and eat it.

You can as they say freeze sperm, but that is a worry and has time limits. Plus it becomes some sort of biological clock in situ awaiting your surrogate you may not be able to supply. Whilst it is true you could donate sperm, would you be totally honest about being trans on the forms? This would likely put people off. But omitting it is self-shaming. Another secret to add to the pile, and maybe future grief.

Adoption is a possibility of course, but with that there is the worry, "YOU AIN' MY REAL PARENT!" And the moment they hit 16 they are off looking for them and see yah later! However, there are plenty of adoption success stories, they are here now and need loving homes. Anyone can be a father not everyone can be a dad and loving parent - in your case a mum :)

The majority of trans* I know who have children had them in their male role long before transition, and in some cases lost access to them as a result. There are no easy steps here. I think you need to concentrate on what you want. If you want children that badly then maybe hold fire on irreversible meds and transition in a more paced way and find a GF and settle down come out to them as who you are and at some later stage transition?

Many early transitioners resign themselves to the fact that they ain't likely to have kids and just focus and concentrate on their own life, transition. surgery, meds, job and career paths. Then if the opportunity arises where they can adopt or if they are married to a 'fertile bio woman' then have donar insemination at that stage. Or adopt? You are in a better place by then financially and mentally to offer a child the very best.

To donate sperm in the off chance you may sire a child who may or may not grow up to be Einstein and not want to know who you are is fraught with a lifetime iof stress and worry you perhaps maybe could do without?
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Re: Need Some Advice

Postby Ice Maiden » Mon Aug 22, 2016 4:10 pm

#Replies
Disclaimer!!!! Please Read! http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

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Re: Need Some Advice

Postby Guest » Wed Aug 24, 2016 12:53 am

(For some reason, I could not use the 'Guest' username, so I left it blank. Anyway, I decided to reply to the reply, if that makes sense. This is from the same person that wrote the OP, to clarify.)

Yeah, we are all technically a genetic mess. Do you even get me started with European nobles and inbreeding. I know they didn't really know any better but it is still disgusting, and, even worse, that still happens in some places in the world today.

Adoption is a possibility of course, but with that there is the worry, "YOU AIN' MY REAL PARENT!" And the moment they hit 16 they are off looking for them and see yah later! However, there are plenty of adoption success stories, they are here now and need loving homes. Anyone can be a father not everyone can be a dad and loving parent - in your case a mum


This is what I have decided to do; adopt. Only when I have a good career and have the means to give my kid a good life, of course, as well as have a partner to help me out. I am not sure whether I could cope doing everything by myself, and I hope that I wouldn't have to. I would adopt one when they are a baby so they would not know I wasn't their biological mother, but I would tell them when they are old enough to understand. I would hope they would learn not to be so ungrateful as to denigrate me for not being their biological mother, and, if they do, I would make sure they know just how good a hand they were dealt in life.

The majority of trans* I know who have children had them in their male role long before transition, and in some cases lost access to them as a result. There are no easy steps here. I think you need to concentrate on what you want. If you want children that badly then maybe hold fire on irreversible meds and transition in a more paced way and find a GF and settle down come out to them as who you are and at some later stage transition?


Such a prospect is completely unacceptable, at least for me. I have worked and structured my life up until this point to avoid this prospect, mostly because I know myself far too well. You see, if I met a girl and had kids with her, then I could never transition because it would destroy the life we had. I would be responsible for what comes after I break the news of 'honey, I am going to live my life as a woman now', and, from what I knew to be true way back in my childhood and what came to be confirmed several years later, such things destroys families and relationships. I was not going to be responsible for that. I see it as a cruelty, perhaps the worst cruelty I could inflict on anyone, and it was best to allow them the chance for happiness elsewhere rather than be with me where they would have zero chance at all if I transitioned. So, for the sake of the happiness of my wife and children, I would have consigned myself to a life of unending misery and self-loathing, perhaps for the rest of my days. Either way I lose, I would rather risk never being loved by another than destroying someone else's life who I cared for, and I would care for them a great deal if I had kids with them.

So, to avoid it, I never allowed anyone to grow close to me. Ever. Anyone who showed interest in me romantically, I made sure that I was immediately put out of their mind, and I did so in rather unpleasant ways sometimes. But, again, I did this because I knew myself too well. If I let anyone get close to me even once then I would lose my resolve; romance is my one major weakness, and I had to be disciplined. I HATED my life as a guy, it was a life of ceaseless misery for me, and I could not live that way for the rest of my life.

Besides that, I am more attracted to men than women, and I have only been attracted to a few women in my life in contrast to the many, many men I have been attracted to. They were the most heartbreaking moments of my life, not being able to date people, because I wanted it SO MUCH. I have dreamt about romance all the time, all my life, and one of the things I wanted, second only to the transition, was to have a partner and get married. Though, thinking back on it now, I... do not think the people I knew in my childhood would have been right for me and I would have been rather hasty in settling down with the first person that showed interest; either that or I would have become a serial monogamist and just moved from person to person to person in an endless string of romantic drama, like Dorien Green from Birds of a Feather. :gigglersx: So, yeah, maybe me being born into gender dysphoria wasn't ENTIRELY a bad thing.

To donate sperm in the off chance you may sire a child who may or may not grow up to be Einstein and not want to know who you are is fraught with a lifetime iof stress and worry you perhaps maybe could do without?


Perhaps, but I would likely forget about it until reminded, which would happen 18 years later. I have a selective memory, meaning I can forget things I want to forget about, and so donating sperm is something I would naturally forget about once it is done. The worry would only arise when I open my door one day to find an 18 year old kid on my doorstep, if they ever find me at all. I was told that I could use my old name because it is still technically valid for the time being, so the sperm donator profile of mine would be under my old male name; others would be none the wiser. Of course, technology could advance a great deal in 18 years, and there is always some chance that a kid looking for me might just find me despite my best efforts.

I am just not sure in regards to the gamble. In some ways, I think passing on my genes is worth any potential issues in the future, but then I just don't know how bad such issues could get. And, of course, a kid showing up would require some explanation to whatever family I would have by then; that could cause some headache as well. I just... I feel that, sometime down the line, I would regret not doing something to ensure that I had biological kids somewhere in the world, like I failed to contribute to future generations. I know some people don't care about that but, for me, it would be something that would haunt me if I didn't do something while I still had the chance. In a few years time, when I have had the treatment and the surgery, there is no going back or reversing it, and so I would have to live with that regret forever.

*sigh* The real trouble is that I probably still think there is a 'right' way of doing everything so that we have no regrets in later life. Childish idea, I know, but I believed it for a long time, and I still believe there are some things that are undeniably good and bad in life.

Anyway, that is enough of me rambling. Can't you tell I don't really have people to confide in? There is my family (the one I was born into) but... they are rather different from me, and... I can't really talk to them. Sometimes you want to talk to people who are going through what you are going through, know what I mean?



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