The hell of it all

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Spiffy

The hell of it all

Postby Spiffy » Mon Mar 07, 2016 1:04 pm

Well, how to begin. This is the first time I've ever expressed this stuff to anyone, and I'm interested to see what the reaction will be.

I was born male. Among my earliest memories are the idea that I should have been female. That impression of myself arose a long time before I became interested in women, so it certainly wasn't sexual attraction. It was the simple desire to be female. I had this desire when I was no more than seven or eight years old, if not before, and I have had the same desire ever since. Almost no day goes by without being preoccupied by it.

I'm now a six foot two guy with hands and feet the size of dinner plates. While there are people with those characteristics who choose to pursue what I understand is called transition, and naturally that's their choice, I have no desire to do so. Perhaps if I'd said something when I was five years old - which would have been in the early 80s - something could have been done. Certainly if I'd been an eleven-year-old now, with the internet for information and far better medical interventions available, I'd pursue it with absolute determination. Modern medicine seems to be able to work miracles.

At this point, though, being what I am now, I'd rather be a convincing-looking guy than a completely unconvincing woman. Some people might feel differently, which is obviously fine, but personally I'd hate life in either case, and I'd rather not deal with the prejudice and aggravation.

The situation horrible. It's awful. No matter how successful might become, my life is hideous. For me, hell isn't the part that comes before you die, it's the part that comes before. I regularly wish I'd never been born. It wasn't really until I'd read stuff online about feeling like a woman trapped in a man's body that all this started to make any sort of sense.

Anyway, I hope I'm not acting unreasonably. All I'm really doing here is venting, because there's ultimately not much that can be done. But perhaps this will make sense to someone. I hope it will.

-S

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Ice Maiden
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Re: The hell of it all

Postby Ice Maiden » Thu Mar 10, 2016 2:01 pm

Hi thanks for posting this as there are many who feel this way and I mean MANY!

What you have to ask yourself is is your desire to get about in society without too much to worry about (Male Privilege) stronger than your desire to be the woman you seem to say you are inside?

Now you are likley to say, "Listen I have thought of this and have felt like this since a child, and I am tall and masculine!"

Well there are tall women with big feet - Jerry Hall hasn't done bad, most top catwalk supermodels are tall and if you want to see an Ex-Para Captain who was probably one of the most macho men you could imagine well look at her now.

Image

Image

So just LOOK!

A foot note is that "Ian changed to Jan, and Jan changed to Abi." Abi Austen (AKA Jan Hamilton).

I bet you look better than her before transition.

That said it was also a majot television story and media story!

I am sure you could do this more quietly than Abi.

You have to ask the question, do you care more about a life not lived or what your friends might think who will drift away over the years anyway and true friends will support you so a good way to find that out too :) Make new ones?
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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

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Spiffy

Re: The hell of it all

Postby Spiffy » Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:54 am

is your desire to get about in society without too much to worry about (Male Privilege) stronger than your desire to be the woman you seem to say you are inside?


This is predicated on a few assumptions.

First, my concern over prejudice is not based on any concept of arbitrary male privilege, it's on the fact that I look convincingly like the gender I'm presenting as, which is not the same thing. If I looked convincingly like a woman, I would still look convincingly like the gender I was presenting as.

Second, the strength of my desire to be a girl is irrelevant; it is not possible. I have a desire to be a woman, I don't have a desire to be a poor imitation of a woman. Some people are very lucky and can pull it off quite successfully. I could not, with current technology, ever be something that I would find satisfying. Other people will differ on this matter, which is naturally their prerogative, but it's not for me.

As I say, I'm just venting. I've long since been resigned to the situation - it's like having a disability, I guess. I can live with it, barely. My life will never be exactly enjoyable, but it's just about worth living. What frustrates me is a lack of understanding as to why this happens. Has the proportion of people in this situation increased in some recent period? I hear ideas that modern pollutants may have an effect on the developing embryo, for instance.

Any such explanation naturally wouldn't really affect how people feel about it or how others would or should react to it, but it would be nice to know.

-S

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Re: The hell of it all

Postby Ice Maiden » Sat Mar 12, 2016 12:57 pm

I suppose the disability argument could be also seen as

I cannot hear, and a cochlear implant will never be as good as the real thing as it makes me look like a 'Borg'. I'll stay deaf - some do and prefer that culture of signing etc... They are simply used to it.

So I won't bother. People will judge...

I think in this world people are increasingly self-obsessed, one look at Twitter and the whole selfie culture shows that. Self obsession negates anyone else unless they are more beautiful.

In social research carried out over many decades, the unattractive, disabled and old are invisible in society.

Being an unattractive woman is better than nothing - or is it?

I mean by what bench-mark are you judging passing? Beauty, build and so on.

Passing as a bloke (or woman FTM) and dying of old age full of regret certainly is not appealing to most trans*people.

You are here for a reason, and it maybe something that is simmering that needs to be addressed?

When I said male-privilege, this also applies to a far less judgmental world, an average looking male (or obese) can wander about and nobody cares. A woman in exactly the same position will be judged relentlessly. And not all women look or sound feminine. Have you watched Jeremy Kyle? ;)

Second, the strength of my desire to be a girl is irrelevant; it is not possible.


This is a moot point as if you are a woman (as in your brain sex), you can equally say or suggest you are a woman pretending to be a male. But because you are good at it you will stay presenting as male and bury the feelings.

If you can deal with life like that, then good luck to you. The majority tend to struggle. So if you have some pointers on coping with life like this I am sure there are readers here that might benefit from it.
Disclaimer!!!! Please Read! http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

Who am I?
viewtopic.php?f=44&t=30


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Re: The hell of it all

Postby Ice Maiden » Sat Mar 12, 2016 12:57 pm

#Replies
Disclaimer!!!! Please Read! http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

Who am I?
viewtopic.php?f=44&t=30



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