TRANSEXUAL OR JUST OCD? HELP

[ManInTheCity]

Hey, since last April I have been worried that I might be a transexual, I have been diagnosed with OCD but I have been waiting forever to get treatment (cbt), I am from the UK and male and gay. The type of OCD I have is "pure O" so it is more related to obsessive thoughts than ritualistic behaviour

Basically, me and some friends were going to go to a party as the Spice Girls and I decided to be Sporty so I could wear clothes that weren't too feminine, I went shopping and found a sporty blue top and grey shorts. I tried the costume on in my room and looked in the mirror (I can't remember how I felt while doing this but looking back now I must have looked funny in the costume, no offence to any cross dressers) and I stuffed socks in the top (lol) to create breasts. While doing this or possibly afterwards I thought "what if I am meant to be a woman?" but I didn't really give the thought much attention. Contextually, I was devestated that the guy I had fancied and lived with for 2 years came out and then we got it on and then he told that he didn't find me attractive and I was completely gutted about that.

Then, the week after I went back home and came out to my mum as gay and she didn't take it overly well but it could have been a lot worse. Then a couple of days later I started to get the "what if I am meant to be a woman?" "am I a transexual?", this caused me a lot of worry so I was very distraught emotionally. After an emotional evening I said to myself "I am a transexual" I was sweating a lot and I felt a rush through my body (I later found out that this is gender euphoria but I'm not sure if it was that or if I was sweating too much or w/e as now when I say to myself "I am a transexual, I don't get any sort of rush or anything") but then I thought "I can't be a transexual, I have always been happy as a man and I liked my genitals and other masculine attributes" I took a test online that was meant to be the best indicator of whether someone is transexual but it did say that it is only an indicator and it all depends on the person and my result came out that my brain was inbetween male and female but slightly closer to male than female.

This result did not settle me though and I was still worried that I might be a transexual and since then my brain has had intrusive thoughts that I may be a transexual.

Here is evidence that I am

I did sometimes play with my sister with her dolls but not in the traditional way, the games were more jokey and encompassed all of our toys rather than solely the dolls

I did once play with her Barbies and my brother's GF saw me and then I denied I was playing with it lol

I do zumba (I know this doesn't make a transexual but it is more often done by women than men)

I like pop music lots (but I do appreciate other genres)

When I was very young my favourite colour was pink but I am too young to remember this

I sometimes find women sexy and attractive

I'm not a huge fan of sports and I didn't play football much when I was a kid cos I didn't think I was very good at it

I remember one ocassion where I played a game with some girls but they said I was too rough to play with them (I was rejected socially a lot in school)

Sometimes I think that I think differently to some other men


Here is evidence to say I'm not:

but sometimes I think I think differently to women (continuation of above point)

I played with lots of boys toys and I played mainly with boys in primary school, although sometimes I played with girls

I did engage in rough playfight play with some of my friends and I liked things such as Star Wars and Thomas The Tank

I like situations where I get to be 'the man of the house' or do something masculine

My best childhood friend was a boy (pre-puberty)

When I was younger I didn't enjoy playing 'kiss chase' or any of those sorts of games

I played with Action Men and liked them and played with Power Rangers

I don't wish to have a feminine body

I don't like being referred to by feminine pronouns

I like it when people say I am manly

I don't want the surgery but I'm really worried that a gender therapist or even my CBT psychologist (WHEN THE NHS FINALLY LET ME SEE ONE) is gonna make me have one

I don't want to be a woman

I don't want to transition


Concluding Points

I can't think of any other for or against evidence right now but I'm sure there are other examples.

Now I get really anxious when I am in the woman's clothing parts of shops and I sometimes get anxious when I see dresses and things but when I see girls in the street I don't want to look like them.

After the thoughts started I worried that I was lying in bed too feminine or crossing my legs too feminine.

Can anybody help me, or direct me to a good service?

[WeWantWaffles]

Heya darling. Welcome ^-^ ..

I'm a transsexual woman (that is a male who is becoming/became female).

You seem quite conflicted, and it's great that you're willing to question these things. No one can tell you that you are transsexual or not. That is something that only -you- can decide! There are a few important things that you should take note of before making a conclusion though..

1) Being gay or straight or bi has nothing (or little) to do with being transsexual
I can see why a gay man would doubt their gender because they are attracted to other men. But in actuality, there are quite a lot of gay transsexuals. So guys who become girls will often end up being with other girls. That said, I would have had less doubts about my gender dysphoria if I was attracted to men. That doesn't mean it should hold much or any weight though.

2) We are shaped by society which treats us as the perceived gender
I like videogames because I grew up with a lot of other guys who like videogames. I made male friends pre-puberty because I was a boy, so other boys are more interested in being with me, and they bully boys who have female friends by going, "You like Lynn! Ahaha!". Lots and lots of social pressure is automatically placed on you as you grow up, which largely shapes your hobbies and social interactions for the future.

3) People are objectively attractive
You're not straight if you think a woman looks beautiful. You're straight (or bi) if you want to have sex with & be in a long-term relationship with women. Dressing yourself up like a girl and thinking, "I kinda look hot in this", is not the same as truly being a straight/bi person. Many gay men are perfectly happy admitting that a certain woman looks beautiful, even going so far as to give their car a female name.

4) Everyone is different
Ciswomen (born women) can have a great time playing shooter games with soldiers and lots of gore and blood. They can also be a great fan of sports. I have known a few male friends who absolutely hate sports, and some boys like to play with barbie dolls, but they don't end up being gay or anything. We're all different and unique in these ways. You'll find LOTS of feminine traits about yourself, because that's what people are like. You don't belong in one big box branded "MALE", because you're part of this large and fabulous world full of freedom and choice.


LASTLY! I will tell you my opinion. Based on this little bit of text, I would say that you are NOT transsexual:

I don't wish to have a feminine body

I don't like being referred to by feminine pronouns

I like it when people say I am manly

I don't want the surgery but I'm really worried that a gender therapist or even my CBT psychologist (WHEN THE NHS FINALLY LET ME SEE ONE) is gonna make me have one

I don't want to be a woman

I don't want to transition

Transsexual women want to be women. Generally speaking, they appreciate the feminine body in at least a basic way, and do NOT appreciate being called manly at all. Many but not all are unhappy with their penis, so that part is a bit open ended. Let me just clarify this point again: To be called & treated like a guy by someone who knows full well that I am transsexual, is one of the worst insults that I could ever think of and have experienced.

That is my opinion, and I'm quite sure that I'm right in assuming that you are not transsexual, but that should not mean that you should stop searching. Think for yourself, feel for yourself, and make your own decision based on the evidence given.. ^-^

As for surgery, no one will force you to get it. It's your body and your choice, to violate that freedom is to poop all over your rights.

Whatever you do - don't rush things! *hugs*

[Cassie]

I agree with most of what Sarah has written, but not necessarily her conclusion. I was guilty of most of the things listed before I came to terms with what I was. It was part of the "fight" I was having with myself.

You may or may not be trans. Only you can really make that call. I would advise - as I always do on here - you to see a counsellor or psychotherapist (you can contact one through your GP) and discuss your feelings.

[Christine]

I'd agree that everyone's different, and can only relate my personal experiences as a M2F. My interests have been a bit of a mixed bag, and still are: I like stereotypically female things like nice shoes and I like stereotypically male things like tanks and military stuff. I just take my interests on their own merits, really, they're just stuff I like and don't necessarily define me. The thing about being transsexual is something that comes from within, as soon as I hit puberty I knew that something was fundamentally wrong, though I think the direction that some of my interests were taking gave me a bit of a clue, even though they weren't defining characteristics in themselves. Edit: for the record, that didn't mean that realisation came quickly: it took me 30 years to properly acknowledge my own thoughts let alone tell anybody else.

It's very easy to get very tangled up with thoughts like these, but in my experience they tend to bring less clarity and more obfuscation rather than actually making any sense. As much as you can, go with your gut instinct as to how you feel about yourself and see yourself. Which is perhaps easier said than done!

[ManInACityt]

Can I just carry on being a man though? I don't want to have to have a sex change. I just want things to go back to how they were, I had finally accepted myself as being gay and then BAM suddenly I start worrying that I am trans