Confused as f***

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Jae
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Joined: Mon Feb 12, 2018 6:35 pm

Re: Confused as f***

Postby Jae » Mon Feb 12, 2018 9:30 pm

I was struggling to figure out where I belong as well... But I am finding more and more posts with many element of what I am feeling, so I definitely think talking with others here is a great step to take. You are not a teen anymore, but you are young, so a decision like this is a big one... The good news is, the younger you are the better your chances of a good transition, but it is also a permanent alteration so it can not be taken lightly. I have been on HRT for a bit over a year now and I look forward to the changes that will come, I would love to have a big rack someday if it all works out. I am coming to terms with the idea that I am turning into a big lesbian that loves big curvy girls, but all that is okay since I am happy just being me. Ultimately you should do what makes you happy, male, female, non of that matters, be who you want to be inside then grow the outside to match. You are not a pervert, don't worry about everyone else and their opinions, your family is important so work with them first, love for you friends is great but if they do not support you find new ones (maybe some girls?). If you feel like loving girls just go lesbian, if you love boys just be a girl, if you just love yourself just be yourself.
Big hugs,
Jae

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Nym

Re: Confused as f***

Postby Nym » Sat Sep 15, 2018 11:58 pm

OMG! This is exactly what I was looking for... both the OP and especially the reply from Steffi. Jeez... did I really need to read that. Thank you, thank you, thank you... so much.

These last two weeks have been hell for me... I reached out yesterday to someone and it was a disaster... and today I've been an emotional wreck. I've literally been shaking and crying on and off all day. I am emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I tried Susan's Place but other that some nice supportive comments, one weird comment, and one helpful but not so helpful comment (it was good advice but I couldn't find what I needed when I looked). Then I just started googling what I wanted and eventually found this thread.

You have no idea... well actually you have every idea... what I've been going through. I really hope you don't mind me 'hijacking' this but honestly, I really really needed help today. I feel so guilty for being selfish in posting this but I am not in a good place right now and those two posts are exactly what I needed to hear.

So my story... It started for me when I was 2 years old. Was at nursery arguing with a boy on who gets to play with the purple car, I look across and see a girl wearing a beautiful dress, hair tied in a pony tail with a ribbon, playing with a doll... and all I could think was, I want to be like her. Why can't I be like her?
I have no idea if I told my parents that day. I was 2 years old, and the only other really clear memory I have of that time is waiting in the car outside the hospital with my Dad when my sister was born. But my parents took every opportunity to emphasise what boys did and what 'sissies' did.
Fast forward a bit... and there wasn't a day that went by when I wished I was a girl. I was attracted to girls but I could never work out if it was because I was attracted to them or wanted to be them or like them at least. But I buried it. I kept hidden from the world (still do). Some people guessed. We had a babysitter who probably knew and wanted to dress me in one of my sister's nighties and put perfume and make-up on me. My sister told my parents and that was the last we saw of that babysitter. I was in Italy with an ex-girlfriend and we saw someone dressed being mocked on the street and my then girlfriend said, 'you want to be like her don't you', I replied, 'I admire her bravery' and left it at that. 3 days later we split.
Then my teens...
That was rough. I was suicidal for most of the time I was 17. I was in a really dark place. But a single act of kindess when a girl came across and said that she was worried about me, snapped me out of it and I started getting my self together. Trans stuff in the media wasn't much and there was no internet (well at least not accessible in the way it is today). What trans stuff did find its way into the newspapers I clipped and hid with bits of clothing I stole from my mother and sister. I think it is safe to think my mother suspected something but perhaps she put it down to hormones. However, every so often I would get guilty purges and get rid of everything in case it got discovered. But by the time I was 20, I knew who I was. I knew that I was a woman in my mind. But didn't know what to do about it. At 21, I plucked up the courage to visit Transformations. It cost a small fortune but I went with something simple. I think they called it the secretary or office lady look. I didn't like it. That wasn't me. Too much make up and foundation, the wig was all wrong... it was dated and just not me. I looked like a bloke in drag. As a teenager I could pass quite well but by the time I was in my 20s I couldn't pass anymore. By the time I was in my 30s my hair was disappearing rapidly.
Sadly, unlike the OP, my parents are very conservative. I was raised in a far right wing household and it took me a number of years to banish all those prejudices. It was an effort to overcome such an upbringing but I did it. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but I really hate their politics and beliefs. So coming out to them (again if I did when I was 2? Not sure), is not a possibility. Even if they suspect.
Fast forward to my late 30s. By this time I am getting very lonely and worried that I was going to spend my life alone. Then I met my now wife. Things started off lightly and we spent a lot of time on messenger and things started getting more serious. Eventually it got to a stage where we were about to take it to the next level and live together. But I didn't want to do that without her knowing first. So I told her. She was great, very supportive. Even bought me clothes and hair removal cream, make up. It was great. I never fully dressed again since the Transformations episode, but I would mix women's clothing with men's clothing and it made me feel relaxed. I knew who I was on the inside and yes, I did wish every single day for 44 years that I would wake up a woman... and 90% of my dreams I am a woman in them. But I didn't hate being male. I didn't like it, but I could live with it.
So my wife's support was a major factor for me in deciding to get married.
Then the fatal day... when we got our first real apartment (that wasn't student digs). We had been living with my parents for a while. To 'celebrate' we decided on the first weekend I would got full female for a day. Wig, fully dressed, make-up the works. She freaked. She started crying that she wasn't a lesbian and couldn't do this anymore. She said that she was happy for me to dress in private but she didn't want to see her again. And to rub salt into the wound she insisted I grew a beard (which I still have). Of course by this time she was pregnant. So it was divorce and never see the baby or lump it. However, it was just that she was pregnant, I also didn't want to be lonely again. Anyway, she had a miscarriage. It devastated her, to the point where she was suicidal. I would say it was a mistake but it wasn't... we went the IVF route and she became pregnant again. She refused to have sex with me after the full dress incident. She more or less said I wasn't a man and she wasn't a lesbian and that was the end of sex. Initially she was pregnant with twins but lost one of them. Then my daughter was born, 7 years ago. She has learning difficulties and mental health issues but she is a joy. The one thing in this world that stops me topping myself... but also the one thing that stops me transitioning. I won't do anything to risk losing her in my life.
Now today, so I am 46... and was laid off work 2 weeks ago. I've been applying for jobs and those tick box equality forms have really dredged up all my suppressed feelings. I tried to find help online and ended up making a post on Susan's Place. I had a rough patch about 2 years ago and was on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor about anxiety but not directly related to the gender issue, this was my daughter's learning difficulties (she was 5 then and still couldn't talk - she's 7 and has only been talking for 2 years). A lot of worry. But it made me realise how talking really helps. So I tried Susan's Place and that didn't work. So I took a chance and contacted an old friend from university who used to be heavily involved in the LGBT society. He's bi and happy with his gender. I knew that, but I thought perhaps he would be used to talking with students from the full spectrum. How wrong was I. So I gave him a bit of advance notice that I wanted to talk to him about something I had been keeping secret for a long time but I needed an understanding friend with his background knowledge. I think he thought I wanted to talk about depression, or perhaps I was trying to come out bi/gay. We had the bi discussion in the past and he dismissed me as being bi-curious because I was trying to tell him I was bi but not in the sense he thought. I was bi in that I was attracted to women because in my mind that is what I am. So we meet in a cafe, and I ask if he minded going for a walk but everywhere was so busy, eventually I directed him down an alley and then stopped and came straight out with it... well almost. I was shaking like a leaf and told him that it was really difficult to say, he told me to take my time, and I had it all planned in my head how I was going to break it but all that went out of the window and I just said it, I am transgender. Then I tried to explain how I know this... he just stood gobsmacked but I wasn't really noticing because I was crying at this point as I told him how difficult I found filling in the equality forms for job applications and how it was making me feel really depressed. That most of the time I keep this side of me suppressed and a secret... but these stupid forms were making it come out. Eventually, he said he was flattered that I had chosen to tell him but he didn't know how he could help me. In fact, he was very eager to escape and made excuses that he was late and walked with me to the main street before quickly saying goodbye and was gone. I was left on my own, shaking like a leaf, and visibly not good.
I made my way back to the station, I was early for the train, and sat shaking thinking about what am I? Which is why I am relating to your posts.
I spent the rest of the day and most of the night thinking that question. Am I really transgender? I thought I was but I had no plans to transition, the cost to my family would be too much of a burden that I could bare. I am prepared to sacrifice my happiness to see my daughter happy. She has enough problems without me adding to them. If me and her mother divorced, it would devastate her. The only reason we are still together at all is because of her. She was no mistake, the world needs more people like her and I am not just saying that as a proud parent.
Then I started to question what makes a woman, a woman. Is it just a clothes thing for me. But it isn't. I don't need to dress to feel like that. I feel more relaxed when I do dress, even if it is just one item of clothing but that is because I don't have to pretend anymore, even for just the briefest moment. Then I am thinking am I gay? I don't find all men attractive, but then I don't find all women attractive either. In fact, I don't find anyone sexually attractive based solely on their appearance. I am massively jealous of attractive women, because I want to be like them. But it isn't just attractive women, it is female achievers too. I am primarily sexually attracted to kind personalities and those come from both men and women. But what is it that makes a woman, a woman and why do I feel that is me? And honestly, I can't answer that. I just know.
The combination of my friend bailing on me like that, he was clearly out of his comfort zone, and I really regret coming out to him. And the questioning afterwards... it left me a mess. I have been crying and shaking all day. I thought about calling Samaritans to see if it would help but I am not suicidal, I am just an emotional wreck at the moment and I would hate to take someone's time when they could be helping someone in a much more dark place than me. I am so confused now. I am still a mess but better than before after reading your posts. Even just typing this is helpful.

The thing I can't get my head around is why now? Sure the equality boxes have triggered it, but it has to be more than that. Is it the losing my job? I've not felt this bad since my teenage years, I've not cried like this since 14. Even when I was feeling suicidal at 17, I did not cry. I wanted to but couldn't. Someone on Susan's said that I had built my life on quicksand and that is exactly how it feels. I feel like I am sinking and trying to stop myself. Or that I am coming apart at the seams and I am terrified that when I am put back together it is going to be Me. I know that sounds daft but I've spent 44 years hiding Me from the world and living in fear of the world finding out. I am terrified of visibly showing the real Me. I was fortunate enough to be born in June, so when people have guessed there is something up with me, I've usually dismissed it as being your typical Gemini and moved the conversation on before they could guess. I honestly do not know what to do at the moment. I can't understand why I am being so emotional right now when I've kept my emotions under lock and key for so long. Why is this happening? Why now? Why can't I suppress it anymore? I am not ready to come out to anyone else, especially after yesterday. I don't want to transition, what does that make me? Well that isn't exactly true, I would love to be Me to the world but I am not going to because I've got something more precious than me to lose.

I want to put it back in the box but I can't. I am falling apart. Your posts have helped enormously and I am really sorry for hijacking the thread like this. I am so sorry. But I need help. I thought telling my friend would help... it didn't. I sent him a light hearted email apologising for making him uncomfortable and just silence. It made it much worse because it has made me question who I am, when before I was confident who I was. I worked that all out 19 years ago. I knew I was a woman in my mind but I had made the decision not to do anything about it (not unless brain transplants became a reality). Now I am a mess. My life is a one big clusterf.... I am terrified about telling my GP I need help, I am terrified of what that help will be, I am terrified of anyone else in my circle finding out. I am terrified what my friend will do with the information I gave him. At least my wife knows, but we both know that she will leave me and take my daughter if I transition. Being unemployed, I can't afford to seek out a professional counselor. I've got nowhere to turn to and I can't see any solutions. I don't even know what the difference will be other than physical between now and if I did transition. Would I be relaxed after losing everything. Would I finally be happy being Me after that loss. My wife isn't the same nationality as me, if she left, it will be to another country. There is a very big chance that I would never see the most valuable person in my life again (my daughter). I can't let that happen. But at the same time I can't put myself back together like before. I am trying to put the lid back down. And as you said, it is every day but it is in waves of intense feeling. Some days it is more intense than others. But today has been the most intense I've experienced since I was 17. I've never felt it this strong before. I can't seem to stop it. Why?

Once again... I am really sorry and this is going on too long now. If you did read it, then thank you for being kind enough to read. Thank you very much for your own posts... it was seriously helpful. Our stories are not exactly the same, but I've been asking the same questions all day... and hiding out in be bathroom pretending to have an upset stomach, just so I can let the tears flow and get a grip on the shaking. Thank you.

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Steffi
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Re: Confused as f***

Postby Steffi » Sun Sep 16, 2018 7:31 pm

Hello Nym

I am so regretful that I did not check the website over last night. I would have been able to get back to you sooner and perhaps helped a little. Sometimes it helps just to talk and to feel that there are others wrestling with this demon, that you are not just alone. But this forum is quiet these days - a LOT of people still visit, search for whatever answers they need and then leave. A few short years ago there was a core-group of us who sort of hung out here together to chat and give quick responses to posts similar to your own.

I would be quite happy to Skype with you if you feel it would help - you would need to send me an email address so that I can send you my Skype contact details and you can send me yours so that I can Accept your request. I routinely turn down any unknown contact requests.
Alternatively you can just post to me here, but it is far slower and so more work for me.
If you could Skype to listen so that I can give good, full replies whilst you might yourself have to only type as you cannot speak due to being overheard, that is still a better way of communicating.

I can identify with a LOT of what you have said.
It might help you to peruse other posts and other replies I have given and especially to locate the rather biographical posts I made where I told the story of my own struggle to work out who I was and my own search for a solution that left me more comfortable in life.
I had trans feelings as an infant. When puberty hit and they became really intense I became suicidal and did in fact try to kill myself at 13.

At 23 or 24 the feelings all peaked up again really badly which was when I went to see a shrink and also wrote to the Beaumont Society. I was in a very similar state then to where you find yourself at the moment.
I denied it even to myself because I had recently met the woman who was to become my wife and I did not want to lose her, did not want my life - cr*ppy as it was - to fall apart.
So I tried to accept that I was a transvestite and lived like that for decades, occasionally cross-dressing.
Eventually it overwhelmed me at 53, by which time I was quite ready to die (despite a life as a male which appeared quite good) and was actually in the process of arranging my affairs so that my suicide would cause less ripples for my family.

Susan's Place can be a useful source of information but never gave me the sense of connection and comfort that Transgenderzone does.

I am years down the line now and Tzone is much quieter ........ but I remain here and do check in daily or every couple of days because I know and will never forget how intensely uncomfortable trans-ness can feel and how desperate it can make you.

(If you want to find my previous posts, click on my avatar to find my Profile and there you will see a link for Search User's Posts - you may find among them occasional lines or paragraphs that really resonate with your own situation :-) )
Contact me privately via "steffi AT transgenderzone DOT com" Click to see Who I am

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fix your plan, Take me as I am (Dreamtheatre - As I Am)

my trans-ness viewtopic.php?f=40&t=5401&p=45640#p45351

Some (mostly rough) tracks of my prior life as a guitarist up on You-Tube, if you want to check them out
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8QKYu ... zkA/videos

Nym
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Sep 17, 2018 2:48 pm

Re: Confused as f***

Postby Nym » Mon Sep 17, 2018 3:25 pm

Thank you Steffi.

I've joined the forum so that you can access my e-mail (I think that's how it works). I am a lot better today than I was on Saturday. Still not 100% though. I've referred myself to a therapist in the hope of getting some extra help. It took me a while to figure out a way to do that, but got there in the end. I am still a mess. Scared to hell. But I am only just managing to cope. I just don't know why now. 44 years of keeping this suppressed, 27 years of managing this part of me successfully, and only now am I finding it difficult to control. I've been thinking a lot about that and thinking a lot about what makes a woman a woman other than the physical. I really can't figure that one out. What would be different if I transitioned. Would I be different beyond physical appearance. And if the only thing that is going to change is my appearance then why do I feel the need to be a woman. As someone who was born physically male but does not identify with that in my mind... or at least doesn't want to identify with that in my mind, I've lived my life believing that physical appearance does not equate to who I am. Gender should be simply a social construct and I should be able to rise above that. So why now? Why do I feel this more than ever before. If my mind is what defines me then does it really matter what I look like? Perhaps just being accepted for how I feel and think is enough but is it? For me, I live in a world where sexual attraction is not physical, I am attracted to how a person behaves towards me... but from talking to others, that is not common. Most people judge a person on their appearance. So in order to be accepted do I need to change my physical appearance to align my thoughts with my body just so that the world can relate to me? Urgh... I don't know the answers. One minute I had an uneasy peace with myself, I knew who I was and I had made the decision not to do anything about it. But now... All I know is that I am feeling really weird, my emotions are all over the place, and I want it to stop. I am questioning myself again when I did all this back when I was 17. I thought I had dealt with this.

It would be nice to chat with you on Skype. I have tomorrow (Tuesday 18th Sept) from noon to 4:30pm (UK time) alone at home, so able to chat then without interference. If you can't make that time slot, then that is fine. I've sought help, I don't know how long it will take to get an appointment though, but it is very kind of you to offer to help me. In the past I've found that talking helps, I am unsure with this issue but I am willing to give it a try because I need to get a grip of my life again.


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Steffi
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Re: Confused as f***

Postby Steffi » Mon Sep 17, 2018 11:15 pm

Hi Nym

Sorry to say that I can't see your email address (only the Admin can) but I do have a site email myself that you can contact me on
- steffi AT transgenderzone DOT com
so use that to send me your email, then I'll send you my Skype contact details.
I don't know for sure, but I do think that I can be online tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon :-)


I don't know why the feelings of transness grow and without any identifiable specific trigger become overwhelming but it does happen a lot even to people who had what seemed a workable balance of life which perhaps allowed them to dress and go out en-femme one day a week.

There is a threshold level of posts before PM's become available - I've forgotten what it is but it is quite low, perhaps 5. Until you've made the required number even I, a Moderator, cannot PM you. Remember of course that your posts until now were as Guest so do not count towards the total for new-user "Nym"
Contact me privately via "steffi AT transgenderzone DOT com" Click to see Who I am

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fix your plan, Take me as I am (Dreamtheatre - As I Am)

my trans-ness viewtopic.php?f=40&t=5401&p=45640#p45351

Some (mostly rough) tracks of my prior life as a guitarist up on You-Tube, if you want to check them out
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8QKYu ... zkA/videos



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