Chronically depressed...

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Joined: Fri Jun 08, 2018 11:02 am

Chronically depressed...

Postby Ajay98b » Fri Jun 08, 2018 11:42 am

Im in the states. Ever since i was young my father was always trying to "make me a man" but because of religion and me hating my life as a kid... Idk my father was always emotionally and physical agressive towards me.
Then in 2007 i thought i found freedom leaving my parents house.
It wasnt until 2011 when i wound up on wellfare when i started to find no hope and attempting to call it quits on life. I would tell my psychistrists how they can give me all these meds but it cant erase my memories and how i feel about life...
It wasnt till many psychiatrists and therapists later when this year my therapist poised a to find what drove me to hate my life. When in told her all my life traumas and how i just hate my life and name...she poised a question. Do you feel trapped in your body? With all the bad luck i had in my life i said yes. I then unfolded how ever since i was little i dreamed of myself in as a girl even though i was a boy and has gone on for a long time. So then we apent time talking about my answers and such to transgender wprksheets.
So when we evaulated my depression and past hospitalizations and suicide attempts it started to make sense that i walled off myself and deep inside i didnt feel right with my body. I just told people i hated my name. (I never wanted to comfront this because of how i was raised...)
Then my therapist atopped seeing me 4 months ago. So feeling helpless, trapped and alone i tried to kill myself in the past month and was hospitalized once more.
So for some time i have been reading all kinds of materials online to know like pre considering... How long transissiobs take on average.. Pretty much whatever i could find.
I read online that transission MTF affects friends and family but since im dead to my family and friends left... I guess i have no one to be supportive to be there for me.
Ive read different forums for months shy to post but i finally decided to give it a shot.

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Re: Chronically depressed...

Postby Steffi » Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:04 pm


I'm sorry for the delay in replying - three days can seem like a long time when you're feeling really low.

I hated myself for most of my life. I suffered from depression and thoughts of just ending my life were never that far away.
I'd considered suicide several times before I was ten. When I was about twelve I attempted it,overdosing on pills.

I knew in my deepest heart that I was transsexual ...... but I was too large and too masculine and (it seemed) that to transition would just make me totally alone and an outcast whose only friends and connections would be in some sort of twilight gay/trans underworld. I could no face that.

So I denied it even to myself and struggled along for several decades occasionally dressing in secret.

I did not transition until I had reached the point of suicide i.e. I was actually doing things and putting my affairs in order because I would be killing myself in a week or so.
I went slightly nuts and finished up in a mental-health facility.
- but by then I ha already thought "well.....if I'm going to be dead in a week or so, then I have nothing to lose and I might as well do what I've always wanted to do and live my life as a woman"
From the moment that I made that decision and took that step, I felt better.
I actually wanted to live. I also knew that I was never going back, that I WOULD rather die than go back to my male life.

I lived in-role from then on and set things in motion to get hormones and eventually surgery.
I do not pass very well, but I do not much care. I very rarely seem to get a second glance these days although I'm sure that my male origins are still clearly apparent. Dunno. - but I don't seem to get noticed much and I VERY rarely get any sort of abusive or insulting comment.

In practical life terms, I am far worse off. I used to play lead guitar in my own band, owned a 2kW P.A. system and a big light-show and a big van to drive it all around in. I was ok for money and also had a car so that I didn't have to go everywhere in the big van.
I had friends - although really all within the music scene. Or the (mild) drug-scene because I'd smoked dope daily for the past 35 years and occasionally had pills or acid/mushroom trips.

These days, I'm broke and have few friends. It is extremely rare for me to take any drugs - although I've just recently picked up the guitar again after a twenty year gap and have smoked an occasional joint.

So.....compared to the APPARENT contentment of my previous life, I don't seem to be doing very well - but it was all a fake appearance then, I was desperately miserable inside.

But I'm happy enough. I'm reasonably content which is more than can be said for most "normal" people.
I finally like myself, am happy to be who I am.

From your post, it seems to me that you yourself have little to lose either - although you are in the USA. The attitude towards transwomen will be different and the funding and medical process is too.

There is also a trans-forum called "Susan's Place" which appears to be based in the USA and that might be a good source of information for you regarding trans in your own country.
Contact me privately via "steffi AT transgenderzone DOT com" Click to see Who I am

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fix your plan, Take me as I am (Dreamtheatre - As I Am)

my trans-ness viewtopic.php?f=40&t=5401&p=45640#p45351

Some (mostly rough) tracks of my prior life as a guitarist up on You-Tube, if you want to check them out ... zkA/videos

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