Please help

[Alannah]

I feel lost. I have been like this for far too long and do not know what to do or where to turn.

I can go for quite a while without feeling anything, just getting on with life. But with increasing regularity I end up doing things, thinking things, feeling things over which I seem to have no control.

There is nothing sexual in it whatsoever. I just feel more comfortable playing a different role, but it isn't really playing. I just feel more comfortable. And I hate myself for it.

I don't know what to do. This has been going on for four decades, just about. I cannot tell anyone. I am not close enough to anyone. But I am so physically masculine. Not "butch" or "macho" or anything. Just so obviously male.

I have to say, for clarity, I do not want to be a woman. Then again, I do not want to be a man either. I was born male and, as I get older, appear more and more male. And I hate that too.

But deep down, I just want to be me. I don't understand why "me" cannot dress as I choose, as feels comfortable. I don't understand why I am so antipathetic to my male anatomy, but I am. I just don't understand.

I am sorry if this is such a boring post. I just feel lost and do not know what to do any more.

Alannah

[Ice Maiden]

Hi Alannah

I am so sorry you are distressed.

The truth is much depends on where you live, your social circle and of course your family dynamic!

Then you need to add finances to this.

If you were to move away to a more 'tolerant' location where noone knows you, then there is no baggage as they take you as they find you as how you present then will be the first time they have met you and have no other benchmark to go by?

The other option is to just be yourself. So many have ended their lives because they cannot be themselves. Yet so many have also found that when they come to this fork in the road, they just transition and to hell with the consequences. Then discover noone really give a damn anyway. And all the fears they had about how others would behave come to nothing. Then they say...."Flippen eck (or words to that effect ), if I had known noone cared I would have done this years ago!!!

If as you say, "you do not want to be a woman," but rather express yourself and gender variance, wearing girly clothes etc... You maybe better off inb a support group where you can get changed at the venue - at least to begin with. After all you may find you grow to hate dressing up 'en femme' and revert back after realising it would have been a mistake to 'come out' more publicly - try this link http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/contact-us/ and see what is in your area you can email the various Regional organisers from the site page links.

[Ice Maiden]

#Replies

[Alannah]

Thank you so much for your kind help. I think I am just confused. Maybe not yet dysphoria, but confusoria?

In January this year I did exactly what you said and moved house, a long way away from where people knew me, but not far enough, and I didn't "branch out" although I do have a proper wardrobe now. I have also been in touch with the Beaumont Society but sort of chickened out. I have had a changeaway "experience" just as you mention. I also have a facebook and twitter account (believe it or not, I nearly said "in my real name"). Finances are not a problem and I am seriously considering going self employed, partly so I can be who I need to be.

I know I said I don't want to be a woman, or a man, but there are things which point in certain directions and they have been around a long long time. I know the cogiati test may not be the most accurate, and may be self fulfilling, but I still score highly. I know I should not have doubts. I know. But I have them.

I am sorry if this is not an appropriate place to write these things. I was just filled with a sense of desperation but please don't worry. I just need to get things in order and I know, I just know, once I go with it, it will be such a rollercoaster and I will never look back and I will wonder why I waited.

Thank you for being so understanding.

Alannah