Concerns and Hi also.

[TranSketch]

I figured this would be the best place to get whats off my chest, I confide in my friend but there's only so much he can really understand about my issue so figured a forum for Transgendered folk was probably more appropriate, my chosen name is Mei and I apologise if this post comes off a bit as a rant but I need to offload my frustrations before going insane (probably).
For the longest time I've always felt in the wrong body, years ago I met a very close friend who attended University whom was a former drag queen and can pass of as androgynous due to his appearance and more feminine voice, at this time I was still to shy about confessing to what I am but after he probed me a little as well as he was dressed in his more comfortable attire of girls clothes he managed to make me be more open about my issue at least in certain company.

The problem is as I've got older since then I've obviously become less feminine due to male hormones doing there thing so I feel as though I look wrong if I try wearing womens clothing anymore, I don't do it justice and thus feel horrible wearing it. To top it all I despise the current NHS procedures for trying to transition as I feel it's unfair to make someone live out as a female when they (at least in my case) look and sound the opposite of a girl and as such would stand out like a sore thumb as well as having to deal with psychologists telling me stuff I already know in my head are true and not just some flight of fancy whilst trying to do the living experience before they'll approve hormones and surgery etc.

I would happily sign a document saying if I wanted to go reverse the procedure I'd pay back the NHS the costs not that I would, I was bullied for years in school and really don't want to go through that again in my adult life but nor do I have 1000's of pounds spare to get it done privately, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and every year that passes it would make the results look worse probably, I'm 26 now and feel I should have had this all sorted out by now and living my life as a female member of society.

The knock on effect of this is that I have a female mind but I then have to split that to adopt a more male personality to suit my obvious male appearance to keep my life as complicated free as possible, problem is I can only put on a act no matter what, I lie about being male in public and online I feel I'm lying about being female as I have all the obvious outward signs of being that so I struggle socially to deal with even online people in chat rooms, when it gets to the stage that even online interactions are a struggle I figure that must be pretty bad.

I hate having to lie about what I am but I find it hard to fit in to any sort of group either as I can't really give a person my truthful self except for two who know my situation and trust with my life, I can't befriend people online as I feel guilty saying I'm female when I'm technically not yet I don't view myself as male either, it's to confusing and at times I really wish that I was just gay or something as at least it would be easier to identify with knowing yeah I'm a guy but likes other guys but at least I'd be comfortable with my lot in life, my situation means I like girls yet I can never truly date them properly as I feel I have to act as the boyfriend when in my mind I'd rather be there girlfriend and have a similar body to them etc, essentially my whole life for many years has been me acting and lying just to survive but it's taking an impact on me now.

I randomly end up depressed and having to split how I act publically and privately sometimes makes me think of darker thoughts that would result in me not being round anymore, if it were not for the fact I'm to much of a coward and hate seeing blood I'd probably have acted on it by now. My life feels way to complicated and there's no easy way to turn to as one involves me either winning the lottery or the other answering to NHS and doing everything they say which ain't happening, I'll probably be stuck as a male till I die and frankly that is depressing.

Anyway sorry if this is to ranty but I needed to get this off my chest, I don't have professionals to turn to so I'm hoping fellow users on here would have advice if there is any to give at all, next time hopefully I'll have something nicer to post on here.

[Steffi]

Hi

You made a very similar post in another forum.
....same answer though ...... read this viewtopic.php?f=45&t=5229
....and perhaps also the posts linked from my signature "Who I am"