New & Unsure

BlueDot93
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Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2016 6:44 pm

New & Unsure

Postby BlueDot93 » Mon Aug 29, 2016 6:47 pm

I'm a 22 year old male medical student in Manchester and, up until extremely recently, I thought I'd been fairly comfortable with myself- a gay man with a confident, outgoing attitude, a close circle of friends, promising career prospects and a healthy interest and engagement with a few different hobbies. A few nights ago I had this sudden realisation, completely out of the blue, that I might be a woman.
This wasn't a new thought to me. I struggled with my gay identity quite a lot, I'm a very self aware and logical person, and the thought of being transgender had been in my mind but I'd never properly considered it- but the other night something just seemed to 'click' in my mind. For the first time I felt that I could actually be a woman; that it was a better fit and more right for me. I spent some time that night talking to one of my close friends about it and throwing ideas back and forth between us and, still now, the more I think on the past the more I recognize events that had an underlying acceptance of/desire for a more feminine existence; when I was a child I went through some time where I said I wanted to be a woman when I grew up.

The most recent example I could think of was in a shopping centre about a month ago, I saw a nail polish that I liked. I wanted to wear it and see how it looked but, consciously, I knew that wasn't what a man did or, more specifically, that I didn't want to be a man wearing nail polish- but I still wanted to have it. So I bought it for my female friend; in my head I thought that if I couldn't wear it, then I could at least see it on someone else. I have the level of self assurance and confidence in myself that if I wanted to wear nail polish, then I would, but even though I felt that I liked and wanted the nail polish, I didn't want to wear it as who I am right now. If any of that makes sense...
At any rate, this sudden epiphany spurred me on to looking online at transgender testimonials, the whole spectrum of transgender identifications and how people identify. After some reading I'm now unsure if I'm transgender or exactly what is going on in my mind. I think I feel like I want to be a woman (transexual), but some websites were quite blunt in saying that if you didn't hate your own genitals, if you didn't hate being the gender you are, then you couldn't possibly be transexual and you must be somewhere else in the transgender spectrum.


I feel like I want to be a woman. I don't hate myself, my body or my penis, and it's not the case that I couldn't physically bear to live as a man; but I have this strong idea that I would be more comfortable and happier as a woman.
It's definitely something that I'm going to see my GP about- and see what counselling services I can be referred on to- but I thought asking a community about it would be a good first step to figuring out what was going on.



TL;DR: Had a lightbulb moment, think I'm a woman, but potentially militant transgender definitions say I must be something else because I don't cry at my penis.

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Ice Maiden
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Re: New & Unsure

Postby Ice Maiden » Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:18 am

A few nights ago I had this sudden realisation, completely out of the blue, that I might be a woman


Time is of little bearing here, although it is more common to have early feelings (in some cases 3-5 years old even) that you are the 'wrong' gender, in some cases people just bury these in some cases similar to how abuse victims lock trauma away until there is some 'trigger' later in life and it all comes flooding back. A good example would be the disgust of a parent observing their child behaving in a gender innaproproiate way (to them and their peer group) a proud father at their child's football match seeing their son pull out a doll for example could lead to anger and humiliation. Just trying to frame this, as some reading your question here will say, to be a 'real trans*' you should have felt it earlier, the point I am trying to make is - you may well have done but not remember...

I found it interesting when you mention the shopping centre and remarked about how it is not 'what men do' well one look here suggests the latest winner and popular male (with the ladies) Bear can get away with it? That is more of a confidence issue I think. Embrace gender varience.

Image
(More images https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/1 ... d-condoms/ )

The main part of your query seems to be this line

I feel like I want to be a woman. I don't hate myself, my body or my penis, and it's not the case that I couldn't physically bear to live as a man; but I have this strong idea that I would be more comfortable and happier as a woman. It's definitely something that I'm going to see my GP about- and see what counselling services I can be referred on to- but I thought asking a community about it would be a good first step to figuring out what was going on.


I think it maybe a good idea to find a transgender group in your region, maybe one town away see our venue guide or google transgender and your region (so you do not bump into anybody) and speak to other trans*women, Gender non-binary and trans*men as they are unlikely to be as judgemental as cisgender people. They can not only advise you appropriately (speak to the group leader/enabler on the phone before you go and ask about changing facilities at the venue) take some clothes and dress up as you see fit (ask about dress code as some may dress in a way that maybe fetish in a pub for example :)) and see how you feel around others. You may do this for a couple of months and get sick of it - some do you know. And then there is little or no issue about changing back or just on occasion to dress up.

Going straight to a GP cos you are having these feelings whilst applauded might be opening a can of worms better saved for a month or two's time.

You do not need meds or surgery to live as a woman. Just confidence and good support networks ((groups, Friends or family (optional ;))

To quote Eddie Izzard from his Book in the 90s Dress To Kill).
See - http://library.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2487
READ IT IT HAS NOT MADE EDDIE SEE A G YET AND POSSIBLE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL AND STILL POPULAR AND WELL LIKED TRANS COMIC ON THE PLANET!
When I first came out, I went to see a bank manager, a dentist and a doctor wearing a dress. I remember going to see a dentist wearing make-up. He was looking at me with all the make-up on and I was saying,’ I’ve got a bad tooth.’ I went to the doctor wearing make-up: ‘ I’ve got a cough.’ ‘ You’ve got what?’ ‘ I’ve got a cough.’ ‘ You’re a transvestite?’ ‘ No, I’ve got a cough. I am a transvestite, but I’ve got a cough.’ ‘ Well, I’d better sort the transvestite thing out. Have to refer you for that.’ ‘ No that’s not a problem, Just the cough, thanks. ‘I dared myself to go to all of these places because I thought if I did it, my confidence would grow. So I did. It was scary, but scary is interesting if it’s positive. Once you’ve done it, you realise that it’s not as scary as you thought it would be, therefore your scary receptors change. Fear is the mind killer’: one of the great lines in Dune. I love Dune. I took a train back to Sheffield, where I was a student, and I had a friend there I thought might kill me for being TV but he just turned up at the station and picked me up on his motorbike. Lucky I wasn’t wearing a skirt. Never apologise for being TV.

Hope this helps
Disclaimer!!!! Please Read! http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

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Ice Maiden
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Re: New & Unsure

Postby Ice Maiden » Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:18 am

#Replies
Disclaimer!!!! Please Read! http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

Who am I?
viewtopic.php?f=44&t=30