Lose my wife or lose myself?

lucifersangel87
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Joined: Tue Sep 27, 2011 8:05 pm

Lose my wife or lose myself?

Postby lucifersangel87 » Tue Aug 09, 2016 4:37 pm

Hey,

So it's been an absolute age since I came on here and wrote. If my previous topics are still available you'll see i've been struggling with my gender for years.
I got into a relationship about 5 years ago, with a wonderful CIS woman I now call my wife. We got married last year at the age of 28, and I thought that I had finally put my gender confusion behind me.
Lately, however, it's all been coming back and I am now back deep into depression, feeling jealous of other girls and what they get to wear, the way they get to be, the things they can get away with talking about, etc.

The problem I have is that when I met my wife, I was considering going full time. I pulled back from the brink because I met her (and because I am an absolute wimp and have virtually no support network at all).
We fell in love, but she was very adement that should I ever make the decision that transitioning was right for me, I would never see her again.

Now we're married and 5 years in, I am starting to feel the need to transition again - only this time much stronger.

The choice I am going to have to make in the near future is whether I save myself or my marriage.

Sure, I wouldn't be on suicide watch if I had to remain as a man. But I would also be deeply unhappy for the rest of my life, knowing I am much more beautiful on the inside than I am on the outside.
The thing that would ultimately kill me inside would be having to let my wife go. Because she loves me so much and I love her so much. But she would never stay with me if I chose to transition. (I tried to grow my hair out a bit the other week and she freaked).

Also I have no friends. I say it and I mean it. Well, aside from one anyway. All of the people we tend to hang out with are her friends, who would obviously turn on me as the enemy should I decide to go through.

I'm not too worried about my job. I work for a fairly large employer with very good processes for diversity and inclusion. I am also a manager so I don't think I'd be subjected to the playground tittle tattle. They employ me for my mind and data analysis skills not for my genitals.

We have also just started renting our first proper house (we're buying it off her parents in a year or so. We've lived together in flats and house shares for 4 years.) and I have put a lot of effort into DIY and getting it how we want it. New carpets, new boiler, new windows, etc. I am such a home maker! And if I had to go it alone, I would have to move out of this house, back in with my mother to start off with (she's great about it all btw), but I could never even dream of getting a 4 bed detatched on my own like I have got at the moment with my wife.

So, I guess I am just turning to you lovely people, first to confirm that I am not just over-analysing things way too much (I suffer from anxiety - I do that a lot!). Second, to see what your thoughts are on this situation.

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2666
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Re: Lose my wife or lose myself?

Postby 2666 » Mon Aug 29, 2016 12:09 pm

Hey !

If you read the post I made, you will know that I was in the same kind of situation a couple of months ago. Well ... maybe I wasn't as stuck as you are (hope I am using no offending words, I'm French). I had a flat with my girlfriend with who I had lived for 4 years. My girlfriend is very open and accept me as I am except that now she can only see me as a friend. So, she has moved into a new flat. This was a very difficult choice to make. But now I'm full time and I'm better.

Though as it is knew to me, I cannot dare give you an advice. Though I would say that your need to transition is never going to completely vanished. I think you should try to meet some people from the T community of where you come from. This helped me in 2 ways :
- knowing that you're not alone and other people had to make harsh choices that can help you to do your own
- maybe you will have the possibility to make some new friends who will be completely open to who you are.

Alice

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Re: Lose my wife or lose myself?

Postby Ice Maiden » Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:29 am

Sorry for the delay in responding - just a few of us :)

The choice I am going to have to make in the near future is whether I save myself or my marriage.


This is not uncommon, many, many trans* women have seen their partner's face sink and watch their shock at the news they are effectively going to see their husband or partner die in front of them, replaced by 'some woman' they have to get to know again and that unless they are lesbian, no longer fancy!

The truth is, a boiler, a house, a sink, is just 'things'. What use is it if you are unhappy, and or suicidal?

You could die tomorrow of a heart attack brought on by all this stress, and in time your wife would live with it and maybe move on. People do.

However, many families stick together and in some cases carry on as they were just with a new relationship dynamic. In some cases the partner always knew deep down and feel validated that they were right and see the joy in their new trans* partner's face and this is intoxicating and joyful, they feel better in your company (for example) and fall in love all over again :)

But it is possible that the relationship would not survive,

You can make new friends, you can get a bedsit, you can be on the social, but if you are truly happy inside, non of that matters. There are happy homeless people, and there are people who pass them everyday going to work in the city who may wish they were dead!

You have to ask yourself HOW MUCH DO YOU REALLY WANT IT? IF life is intolerable as you are, then you must see your GP and get a referral, it does not mean you are committed just that you can get some therapy and sort this out. If you are on here, then I suspect you are close to doing that anyway!
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"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

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Re: Lose my wife or lose myself?

Postby Ice Maiden » Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:29 am

#Replies
Disclaimer!!!! Please Read! http://media.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." M.Mead

Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." - J.P.Sartre.

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