Pretty confused about my gender

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Joined: Fri May 20, 2016 8:53 am

Pretty confused about my gender

Postby garixx » Fri May 20, 2016 9:28 am

Hello together

IĀ“ll start by saying sorry for my English which isnĀ“t my mother tongue. IĀ“ll try my very best.

During the last weeks, I canĀ“t manage my gender issues anymore, which led me to heavy insomnia. The problem is that I canĀ“t clearly say if IĀ“m transsexual or not and in this small country IĀ“m living, thereĀ“s not a lot of support to get, so I thought IĀ“d have to check the internet.

IĀ“ll start by telling a little about myself, so maybe one of you will see parallels with his own life and can give me some serious advice.

As a child, I used to be a very normal boy. At the age of about 12, when puberty started, the fantasies I had were mostly me as a girl. At that moment, I knew that I was different than most others, though I never talked about it to anyone.

This kept going, until I met my girlfriend at the age of 19, which ist still my girlfriend after 6 years. At that moment, I thought these fantasies would end. During puberty, I felt really attracted to female clothes and hoped this would stop as well.

It didnĀ“t.

The feelings are getting stronger year after year. Right now, I arrived at a point at which I would immediately start transition, if I wasnĀ“t so afraid of the (social) consequences. I guess this gives the impression, that I have to be transexual, it does to me at least.
The confusing part of this is that I return from time to time to a state where I really love being a male, although these times donĀ“t last very long, about a month or so. Even in these times I can only sleep with my girl fantasizing about being a girl. These phases make it that difficult to me to keep a clear head.
I started seeking a psychiatrist 3 years ago. I told my girlfriend about my problems, who told me sheĀ“d support me, although I could clearly see that she had her doubts. After some months, after which the doctor, who didnĀ“t treat any other gender issues before mine, wanted to refer me to an endocrinologist, I stopped therapy, because I slipped back to one of these phases, where I felt confident as a male.
I didnĀ“t go back to the psychiatrist.

This lasted about 3-4 months, and I didnĀ“t speak about it with my girlfriend anymore and I decided that this was a burden I had to carry all alone. I was pretty sure that I could manage to live a normal life after all.

Now, after 3 years and at the age of 25, I came to a point where I asked myself if I can really make it for another maybe 60 years. Now that IĀ“m still "young", transition would be some easier than in some years, on the other hand, I donĀ“t want to speak about this to my girlfriend as long as I canĀ“t say whatĀ“s going on.

So many internet stories tell about males playing with dolls and wearing their motherĀ“s clothes as a young child. I really canĀ“t remember such things, except from the age of about 12 on.

Since I really donĀ“t know what I finally am, I donĀ“t want to make another move towards HRT and so on, since IĀ“m really afraid that this all is just some kind of fantasy and that IĀ“m going to regret it. Unluckily, thereĀ“s nobody I can talk to, except here on the internet.

I hope my writing skills are good enough the communicate the main message clearly enough.

thanks for reading and for possible advices

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Re: Pretty confused about my gender

Postby Steffi » Sat May 21, 2016 2:02 am

The confusing part of this is that I return from time to time to a state where I really love being a male, although these times donĀ“t last very long, about a month or so.

I had the same thing - the feelings would abate for a while then return very strongly. For this reason, I thought that I must not be a transsexual as surely a transsexual would feel "wrong" all of the time? Apparently this is not so and the changes in feeling I had are extremely common.
Even in these times I can only sleep with my girl fantasizing about being a girl.

This too - I had about twenty girlfriends and was married for 35+ years but during sex I used to imagine that I was the girl.

You need to talk to a doctor who has experience of transsexuals.
- From what you say in your post, in my opinion you might well be transsexual.
Contact me privately via "steffi AT transgenderzone DOT com" Click to see Who I am

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fix your plan, Take me as I am (Dreamtheatre - As I Am)

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Re: Pretty confused about my gender

Postby 2666 » Thu Jul 07, 2016 10:37 am

Hi I don't know if it can help you but I'm in the same case. I'm very afraid to start a transition even though I have the feeling this is the only thing to do. As you, I wasn't dressing up when I were 5 yo and I started to doubt at 14 as my puberty began. These last week, I decide firmly to start a transition , I go out and buy make up clothes, etc and the morrow I doubt again. I have come out to my family at a moment I was sure and know I am not sure again and I am afraid that every thing is going to fast.