I'm new to all this and scared and terrified, help?

[Gzz96]

A brief rant before I begin.

Hi! I'm quite new to all this, but have done so much research this week and last its unreal and a lot to take in! I'm a 20 year old biological male and have 2 brothers, we're triplets!! (FYI). The reason I started all this research is because I've finally started taking the thought that "I want to be a girl" more seriously; this has freaked me out so much, I've had a causal "awh man I'd love to be a girl" thought before but never actually thought of it as anything more than a fantasy. But these past two weeks have been hard, since I've taken it more seriously, it's kept me up and I haven't had much sleep, my stomach has been feeling really everyday to the point where I was sick yesterday and I know for sure its associated with these feelings, not just some random bug.

Now my general feelings about my gender.

I actually think my childhood was quite normal, I don't have the normal narrative that most Transgender people have, I was never really particularly drawn to femininity on a persistent basses. However there were a few incidents that were one of things, only occurred once. Once where I accidentally wore panties, I some how mistook them for my own pants when I was young (sometime in primary school), it was dark okay? Another occasion I distinctly remember is me standing in the kitchen and getting told off by my Dad; I remember thinking "act [this] way because that's feminine/what girls do" (think also primary school, maybe very early secondary school). One final thing which was kinda recent, like maybe 2 years ago; my mum was going through her make up deciding what to keep and I willingly volunteered while my brothers didn't, it was soo fun to me it was unreal xD

As I explained earlier I've had thoughts of being a girl for while. I've always been saying to myself at night, to what ever higher power exists, if one does: "please make me a girl" when I go to bed at night, not all the time, but often. I can't pinpoint when these feelings started but it definitely started in the latter years of secondary school, or maybe just after I left. At the same time I have quite contradictory feelings, I honestly don't mind being a guy so much to be honest. At the same time I don't like my genitalia, or really, male genitalia in general, its gross ew. I don't like all the body hair either, but I guess I let it grow to be hyper-masculine and not show femininity, because even though I'd like to shave it all off, I'm afraid to. I wouldn't mind having breasts or female genitalia and the idea of going through a "second puberty" but as a female sounds awesome to me! Luckily there is some saving grace, I guess my general frame looks somewhat feminine, minus my face. In terms of personality, I tend to be quite submissive, and I prefer being referred to as a "boy" rather than a "man" as it seems cuter to me and reflects how I feel inside.

Now I'm really super confused and I've been really sad, spent all last night crying lol. Hormone therapy seems really awesome and a tempting idea, but I can't help questioning myself. Do I really want it? It has a big impact on the body to say the least, and I'm scared of whether or not people will accept me. I see myself some wearing more girly clothes if I went through with the transition, but I don't see myself wearing dresses or anything, is it possible for someone to transition to a tomboy? I like typical boy things like video games and movies, but wouldn't mind shopping for girl clothes xD At the same time, could this all be in my head? Maybe I'm just a huge pervert, or a freak. After all I've never had a girlfriends and I've never even had sex or kissed a girl (please don't judge). Most of my friends are guys too, I don't have many friends that are girls. I don't really know how to describe my sexual orientation, I'm primarily attracted to girls, but like guys a little/could like a guy if I found the right one, I know this is separate to gender identity, but it definitely adds to the confusion I'm experiencing right now.

I know what course of action I want to take, I want to see a Gender Therapist, and there is a Gender Identity Clinic in my city. I think is will help me get to the route of my feelings, which is strange because at the same time I have a fear of being determined not to be appropriate for hormones and being shut out of having them. Now I've heard you need a referral from a GP to get admitted to a Gender Identity Clinic, even just to get to see a Gender Therapist/Psychiatrist. I'm not a very confident person as it is and I'm nervous about opening up about this to anyone in person, hopefully I will be able to, to my GP but its hard. I've also heard that the waiting time is around one year currently (86 weeks) which sounds like a long time. I mean my body is only going to become more masculine the longer I wait because of testosterone, is there any way I can see a Gender Therapist without waiting a year? Will the waiting time be reduced, since the clinic is in my city? I really want to clarify my feelings as soon as I can and I know its important not to rush it, so the sooner I see a therapist, the better and its starting to have an impact on my wider life, my physical and mental well being and my Uni work. I don't really have the option to go private because I live in the North England and I'm a student, I can't afford to be going to London to the private people mentioned on this forum. One extra question; I've seen that in some cases Real Life Experience is required before hormones can be taken, but I'd much rather wait until I start hormones before I come out to my parents and start experimenting with stuff. I live at home and I don't want to mess my parents about, ordering girls clothes and saying I have Gender Dysmorphia all for it to turn out to be nothing? It wouldn't be fair on them and all the confusion would hurt me and them

Sorry this is a really long post and I hope it all makes sense! If anyone knows a good place to make any transgender friends, preferably MtF, I think that would help me too, the first such place I've found so far is here and Reddit, but they seem more like places to post updates, more than make friends.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, if someone does reply that is... ^_^

[Ice Maiden]

Sorry for the delay in replying...

If I went through with the transition, but I don't see myself wearing dresses or anything, is it possible for someone to transition to a tomboy? I like typical boy things like video games and movies, but wouldn't mind shopping for girl clothes xD At the same time, could this all be in my head? Maybe I'm just a huge pervert, or a freak. After all I've never had a girlfriends and I've never even had sex or kissed a girl (please don't judge).

It is rather long and a lot to take in - you are better addressing one point at a time as long posts simply do not get read by most visitors TLDR.

I have read it.

You sound very familiar. The quote above is something I have heard many times in the past.

There are many solutions but the two that immediately jump out are:

1. You attend a support group in person in male role, speak to other trans*people and build up the confidence to try a more girly approach. They are usually safe spaces, far away from your family and friends and you can focus more than be afraid. The Beaumont Society - http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/ have loads of contacts that can point you in the right direction.

2. However, you may think, that this is not what you want at all. You sound like me, a Geek Girl. You seem to be more concerned about what others will think of you (a common feeling), rather than what you actually need yourself. Not kissing a girl of having sex with one, could mean, you are a girl - a straight girl, who until you have a vagina cannot fathom sex - as it just does not make sense - as you are not Gay (as in you are not a lesbian . This is VERY common with early transitioners.

I think, although you would have to speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a Gender Clinic (NHS do have them), that you may well be a woman, who has had the misfortune to be assigned male at birth. When you accidentally (or deliberately) wore female clothes, you felt as you should do, happy! 'Normal'! And things made sense.

If I were you I would make an appointment ASAP with your GP tell the receptionist (if they ask) it is for a sore throat, and then when you sit down explain it all to them. It may well be in time and under thei care of a Gender Clinic that you change your mind - but you DO NOT have to wear dresses these days - most women wear trousers so that's very old fashioned. But nice option should you want to eh?

Keep Posting!

[Ice Maiden]

#Replies

[Gzz96]

Thank you so much for replying!! Haha you're probably right about the TLDR thing!

Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it!

I don't think I'd be able to attend any events outside my city; 1, because I'm super shy, and 2 because my parents are always on my back about where ever I go and don't often let me outside my city, which is stupid considering I'm 20 -__-

You could quite possibly be right; I don't want to jump to any conclusions though. I do care a about what others think, probably too much. :/

I'm going to try and order some make up and see how it makes me feel, maybe some clothes too somewhere down the line, hopefully I'll be able to hide it from my parents for now. ^_^"

I'm going to make an appointment with my GP as soon as I can, I'll probably have to wait about 3 weeks though because I have a lot on at uni for now

The only thing I'm worried about is that it takes a year to get referred to the Gender Identity Clinic in my city, I think that's even just to see a psychiatrist? What do I do between asking for the referral and actually going to the GIC? I would really like to see a psychiatrist sometime soon to explore my feelings, and see if I indeed do have Gender Dysphoria :/

Thanks again for the reply, I hope that you will respond again, because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about my feelings right now :/

[Ice Maiden]

The challenge you have is letters being sent to your home address.

You may want to talk to your GP about that and explain that you are not ready to come out to your parents yet... but you my want to tell your parent really. It is very stressful to do. You could write it in a letter and ask her to read it and go out for the day while she/or he does.

But this is not going to go away, and post is going to happen the more you get into all this.

As for the gap between the referral.

This is upsetting, so many have been there, here on this forums - so many!

My advice would be to ask your GP to refer you to local mental health services. As they can at least listen and keep your spirits up until 'the big day' when you can attend the main clinic (somewhere). You do not say which City you are in?) In some cases you can self-refer to gender clinics.

But there is no rushing these things. Unless you have the resources to go private. Then stick with the NHS and wait it out. But the sonner you get started the better and 20 is a great time to start as you will unlikely have any regrets if this i the choice for you. If it isn't you will find out during the process with 'expert' help.

If it is the right choice, you will thank me till your dying day!

IM