Pre-everything, depression, confusion and sex

[Robert82]

I was last week on 2nd visit to psychologist - sexuologist. She is 65 years old. I did tests.
I had to choose what colour I like from cards, I did Rorschach and then I was answering on many questions
in written test. Very, very stereotyped questions. Only what I remember:
- Would you like to sell flowers?
- Do you like flowers?
- If you would be artist, would you like to draw flowers?
- Would you like to work in army?
- Would you like to work as mechanic?
- Do you like documents about technical things?
- Did you play with dolls as child?
- Do you like fashion?
- Do you like looking into shop window?
- Do you like fashionable or comfortable clothes?
- Would you like to work in theatre?
- If you would be jurnalist, would you like to write reports from theatre area?
Then paper, where I had to evaluate myself and “my ideal I - Robert”. With questions like:
- Do people like you?
- Are you selfish?
- Are you kind?
- Are you peremptory?
- Are you submissive?
- Do you need other people acclaims? And other stupid questions. And I had to answer as me and as
“ideal I - Robert”.
Then paper about sex, like:
- Is too much sex in society?
- Is sexual tuition in school good?
- Is masturbation wrong?
- Should people have sex before marriage?
-Is infidelity wrong for marriage?
- Is partner, who was unfaithful then better in marriage?
- Should be sexually deviant people punished stricter, even going to prison?
- And … hold yourself !!!! Last, 21st question was:“Should we be more kind to homosexuals as also to OTHER sexually deviant people? - WHAT THE f*ck ???
And do you want to hear something not so "funny”? That psychologist said, that she can give me approval
for hormonal therapy, but not without medical examination in endocrinology, genetics and gynecology.
The “big fun” is, that when I was in June on visit at psychiatrist - sexuologist, she didn´t said
ANYTHING about any of that !!! I knew only about endocrinology. But SHE DIDN´T SAID ANYTHING, WHAT I NEED FIRST and psychologist said to me,
that she never had client, who wasn´t firstly on that three examinations! So I should have been firstly on these examinations and only then go to her, to psychologist!
Why that psychiatrist, woman my age, didn´t say anything? I don´t understand! She scheduled in June my 2nd visit with her on 30th November, 6 month after, she works only 2 days in week,
so I will have to call her and ask, when I can visit her, so she could give me recommendations for these 3 examinations. What wasted time! That psychiatrist is A**hole! I will have to take break from work, travel to her and then back, another wasted 3 hours. I am really pi**ed off!

And I am still confused about sex after 5 years from now, when, hopefully, transition will end. I hadn´t sex in 7 years. I just gave up on men.
I am 33 years now.I tried 7 years ago with one man,I said straightly,that I have orgasm only through oral sex.But he had no idea what to do.I said to him.It makes no sense,when man has no interest in woman genitals. Another man wrote,that he loves cunnilingus.And when I was in bed,he admitted,that he lied.

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Fellatio is normal,cunnilingus is obviously something unusual,extra.Another man,the same.No idea, what to do with tongue and small labia.I used every word to describe,what he should do.No result.Fellation again standard,completely automatically waited,oral sex on me?Obviously shocking.I am that weird. 4th man? The same. Again lied only to get me to bed. Men don´t want to touch my genitals with anything more than penis. And sex starts and ends with their orgasm. That I have nothing from sex?So what? No problem for them.I tried yet for 5th time and then I gave up.That man had 3 orgasms with me and I had none? No problem. They don´t care. So I gave up. I have no intention to sleep with half of men in Czech republic. Since then,since I was 26 years old,I have sex only with vibrator,watching porn. That´s my life. Today I was aroused at work only from reading Rumbelle fanfiction. I will have to solve it today in the evening,with porn and new vibrator,I bought last week.I am disgusted by men,by their lies,by their ignorance about women,about women genitalia,about sex.

I like watching heterosexual and homosexual sex.I am FtM and gay. Per my experiences here is really fellatio mandatory and swallowing almost too. Anal sex is almost very expected. Men here are brainwashed from porn movies. Cunnilingus is weird. Men have no idea about anatomy of female genitals.Small labia? They have no idea what it is.And of course that is place, where my orgasm is "born". I can repeat like idiot,that I need clitoris only in the end and describe it to them, that it´s like licking ice-cream, with whole tongue,not super fast moves only for clitoris - like they see cunnilingus. I can repeat like idiot,that clitoris is too sensitive for that - no result in their brains. I can be on dating websites writing clearly that I am looking for a man, who loves cunnilingus. Only result was men, who lied about that. I met even one man,who lied, that he doesn´t smoke, because I hate cigarettes, but it was clear from his car... I won´t be kissing ash-tray, but I am seen as very weird here even for that, that I was looking for non-smoker. One idiot and liar after another. So I lost my patience and live with my vibrators.

I gave up on sex as whole. I don´t think, I lost every hope, that I will have ever sex again. And after surgeries, it will be even more impossible. And this conflict is still circullating in my head. Have a woman body, but male brain, but some very little hope for sex or be me, with male body, without penis and never sex. I wish, I was never born, than born like that.