Supporting my BF & Hi

FTM transmen issues.
mattkermit
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:07 pm

Supporting my BF & Hi

Postby mattkermit » Thu Nov 01, 2012 9:32 pm

Hey, Just posting this topic on here as it was recommended by Steffi, as i'm likely to get better responses:)

I have signed up to this website as im currently in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is trans (Ftm)
and have been with him for about five months, I have been in a relationship with him since Pre-T and love him to bits, i try my best to help and support him in every way i can. I understand there must be lots going on in his mind about many different things, and that transitioning in itself must be quite a experience. I'm very open with him, and have told him that he can come and talk to me about anything he feels comfortable with talking to me about, Because all i want to do is make sure he is happy.

I have also decided to sign up here to perhaps get some advice (Not in a nasty way, a good way to help him, in case i need advice on a certain things that i might not be to sharp on)

I have two main questions that are in my head at the moment, that i could do with some advice with, The first thing is dysphoricy

My Boyfriend sometimes can feel quite dysphoric about his body, When he feels like this i always re assure him and try to make him feel better (Like Tell him he will soon be having upper surgery *Fingers cross next year at some point* tell him i will be there for him every step of the way, Generally try and cheer him up and take his mind of it , I try to avoid giving hugs when he feels like this because when he feels Dysphoric is prefers not to be touched and hugged, so i try to keep my distance from personal contact *Not in a bad way*) But sometimes when i try this he tells me that im not doing enough, or that '' I wouldn't understand unless i was trans ''

At the end of the day all i want to do is make him feel better, and any advice anyone could give i would greatly appreciate.

The seccond question is about something that could be happening because of T.

My boyfriend has been on T for a short while now, and he seems to be abit more short fused (Eg losing his temper easier then before he was on T) Now the best way i thought to my self to deal with this would be to just bite my toung, Because i dont want to Agitate the sitation by arguing back, Does this make sence? and does anyone else know if people can become more short fused because of T?.

Well thats it for now : ) Look forward to talking to people on here:)

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WeWantWaffles
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Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:56 pm
Location: Belgium

Re: Supporting my BF & Hi

Postby WeWantWaffles » Thu Nov 01, 2012 10:30 pm

Hi!

Your first point reminded me of a time where I had some severe psychological problems, around 17-18 years old in particular. When people are depressed, they generally find it impossible to look beyond their own needs and problems, which is why he feels the need to tell you that you wouldn't understand, or you're not doing enough. He doesn't want to 'blame' you for anything, though he quite likely feels trapped and cursed, and badly wishes to be helped. Unfortunately, depressed or downed people can't just be fixed up in a matter of days - it takes weeks or months to finally get out of the spiral. The fact that he says these things, suggests that you are someone he loves and trusts with his biggest personal problem. I hope you manage to keep your cool when he becomes frustrated and vents frustration to you, and try to keep supporting him in this difficult time. Remember that him being rude, unpleasant, mean to you, has nothing to do with you 'failing', so don't feel bad about it.

Shorter temper can be and most likely IS caused by the hormones. I would suggest that you do not tell him things along the lines of, "You're just moody because of the T", or even hint at hormone treatment having a negative effect on him. After all, he will most likely see T as a 'cure', a way to finally fix a problem he has had trouble with for who knows how long. Instead, try your best to focus on dealing with what exactly is ticking him off if there appears to be a reason (however small).

Lastly, the 'touching' thing is a difficult one to address. I personally believe that everyone wants to be held when they are feeling down, but they don't want to feel patronized. A hug won't solve problems, though it is often a sign of genuine appreciation, and you should make it clear that you do love him and think he is an amazing person, when you see a severe negative moodswing.

I am MTF, though I've read up on both sides, and I hope that you find this useful advice. Always open to being corrected of course.

- Sarah

... (>^-^)> (I had to do it!)
- Sarah
And at the end of it all, I just want them to say; "Oh, that Sarah. She was a pretty awesome chick."

mattkermit
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:07 pm

Re: Supporting my BF & Hi

Postby mattkermit » Thu Nov 01, 2012 11:16 pm

Thanks for your reply Sarah, Most of what you say i do try my best to do.

I never try to direct his moods at the fact it could be because of T, i ultimately try most of the time to take it on the chin, when he has calmed down, he is fine!

The touching one again i agree with you, Sometimes i do try to give him a hug (because it can still make you feel better) Sometimes he is fine with it, When othertimes he isn't. Most of the time in that situation i'll ask him '' Can i give you a hug? '' and he will either nod or shake his head.

At the end of the day im here for him, He means lots to me and has a big place in my heart, i will keep supporting him, and being there for him. And i cant wait until the day he feels complete, Because to know he feels ultimately happy, would mean the world :)

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WeWantWaffles
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Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:56 pm
Location: Belgium

Re: Supporting my BF & Hi

Postby WeWantWaffles » Fri Nov 02, 2012 2:18 am

He is very lucky to have a sweetheart like yourself. I'm very jealous <3
- Sarah
And at the end of it all, I just want them to say; "Oh, that Sarah. She was a pretty awesome chick."


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thedreadpersephone
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Re: Supporting my BF & Hi

Postby thedreadpersephone » Sat Nov 03, 2012 8:50 pm

Just re-posting this from your other thread in case you missed it.



Re: Advice / Question - My Relationship

Postby thedreadpersephone » Sat Nov 03, 2012 8:48 pm
Hi mattkermit and welcome to Tzone. My partner is also FtM and I joined this forum when we first met, which was almost 10 years ago now. I hope it helps you as much as it did me. If you want I can also point you in the direction of a few avenues of support specifically for partners/family of trans people. However I do think it's sometimes helpful to hear directly from other trans people as well.

First of all, I'd like to reassure you that I think you are doing as much as you could reasonably be expected to do to support your boyfriend. You are trying to support him and you are trying to understand. That is about all you can do as a partner and sometimes it may feel like it's not enough. But remember, you can't make his dysphoria go away. When I first met my partner and he was pre-transition I sometimes thought that if I made him feel like he was loveable as he was, he wouldn't need to transition. Of course knowing what I know now this seems ridiculous. But I think as supportive partners we sometimes have very high expectations of ourselves and how much we can do to help. Over time I have had to accept that my partner's gender dysphoria is to some extent his responsibility and while I can be supportive I can't save him from it.

I don't know exactly what it is your partner expects you to do when he feels dysphoric. Unfortunately he may get down about these things sometimes and you might just have to wait for it to pass. It's all very well for him to say you're not doing enough - but what does he want you to do? If there's anything specific which makes him feel better then he should suggest it to you, but to be honest I think it is unlikely that there is much you can do for him in this respect. We know that counsellors and psychiatrists are unable to make people feel better about being trans so it is asking a bit much from you as a partner to make him feel better. The only thing which makes trans people feel better is transitioning and it sounds like this is underway.

I would say that it is quite likley that T could be causing your boyfriend to be more short-tempered. If he has only been on T for a short while then it could be a process of adjustment and things might calm down a bit after he is more used to it. I would say that my partner has a shorter temper now than he did pre-T but not to the extent that it causes a lot of arguments or that he is aggressive or anything like that. I have a pretty short fuse myself so he is positively zen-like in comparison anyway ;) How you want to deal with his moods is up to you. Personally I wouldn't go to any great lengths to treat him differently from how you normally do. Yes he is on T and that can affect his mood but at the same time he is still an adult and has to learn how to deal with his moods without taking it out on someone else.

Hope that helps :-)
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