Hi first of all thanks for reaching out. It is very brave and something you clearly need to do.
Fundamentally the issue is this. If you were a cisgender female say 19 and posted the same feelings here
I really like one of her green skirt and t-shirt. I feel free when I wear it. I like to look at myself in the mirror and touch my butt and hips. I like to make myself some nice braids. I feel like an innocent teen girl then.
No one would think anything of it in fact a 'few' young men may well think thats quite hot! The fact you like to have a goatee and also dress masculine? Well over the years we have made many friends not least in the Drag King community and this can also sound kinda like that.
So at first glance you could also appear to be a person who presents as a cisgender woman who also likes to present as a cisgender man... Does that make sense?
So this issue really is case of maybe exploring gender. There are still many many groups around that you could attend where you can get dressed up and be yourself. If you are in the UK The Beaumont Society maybe a good place to start? As they understand this more than anyone. That sometimes you just want to express yourself in what my late dear friend and Ex President of the Society Janett Scott used to call a 'GENDER NEED'.
Of course in some cases it is sexual (this is a G-rated forum' you can go look at the 18+ forum as that has some archived answers too fruity for here). But humans are sexual animals. What has often become something to be ashamed of (usually cisgender bullies) is perfectly 'normal'. As long as it is not hurting anybody and consensual. It again is all about perspective a prime example is sexy shoes...
Woman 19 very pretty says outside a shoe shop says, 'I love those high heels Oh yeah I have a shoe fetish!' People take no notice!
Cisgender man looking in the same window says the same thing... People get all creeped out! Its ridiculous! Thats a social pressure something somehow engrained in the psychology of the masses almost brainwashing... Like Pink for Girls... a couple hundred years ago boys wore pink... Society does not realise how it is brainwashed...
So when you describe your feelings above there can almost be an element of shame perhaps of preguessing your parents possible similar reaction...
I suspect you have played out your familys reaction scenarios in your head many many times... Will they throw you out (IF YOU LIVE AT HOME?) What will the neighbours say? Will it break your mothers heart? Will your father ever speak to you again...........................
The list goes on and on and on!
There are likely to only be a few solutions if thats what they are?
The first is the most daring! You just tell the parent you feel who is likely to be your best ally first! If thats not possible then another trusted family member say a cool aunt? A respected grandmother... someone who can help back you up... This is often where medicine gets involved... As the 'ally' in this instance can be the Doctor...
'Mum! What? I have something to tell you...?.....I am transgender........Before you go crazy I have seen the Doctor and they agree! They are referring me...'
Eddie Izzard famously explains this you can read our interview with him here
https://library.transgenderzone.com/?page_id=2487 but to save time here is what they said way back...
When I first came out, I went to see a bank manager, a dentist and a doctor wearing a dress. I remember going to see a dentist wearing make-up. He was looking at me with all the make-up on and I was saying,’ I’ve got a bad tooth.’ I went to the doctor wearing make-up: ‘ I’ve got a cough.’ ‘ You’ve got what?’ ‘ I’ve got a cough.’ ‘ You’re a transvestite?’ ‘ No, I’ve got a cough. I am a transvestite, but I’ve got a cough.’ ‘ Well, I’d better sort the transvestite thing out. Have to refer you for that.’ ‘ No that’s not a problem, Just the cough, thanks. ‘I dared myself to go to all of these places because I thought if I did it, my confidence would grow. So I did. It was scary, but scary is interesting if it’s positive. Once you’ve done it, you realise that it’s not as scary as you thought it would be, therefore your scary receptors change. Fear is the mind killer’: one of the great lines in Dune. I love Dune. I took a train back to Sheffield, where I was a student, and I had a friend there I thought might kill me for being TV but he just turned up at the station and picked me up on his motorbike. Lucky I wasn’t wearing a skirt. Never apologise for being TV.
Eddie Izzard
However we know that many many people have taken the medical route for this exact reason...an ally... Not because they need surgery or because they need hormones... Because they needed and ALLY! Eddie above showed at that time they didnt want that... However today their views and feeling may have changed.
So I would caution against that unless you feel you want to transition. So many agony aunts out there are so quick to say go to your Doctor because they do not realise there are other options.
The second option is you keep it quiet... carry on as you are enjoy occasional dressing up sessions either at home or better still at a venue with friends who you will make and be less likely to have your secret revealed.
The third is what many do... Move out (if you are living at home) get a job somewhere far enough away where parents cannot just rock up. Try and choose a tolerant area (or larger population centre) you could even begin to live as a woman and see if it is for you.
Without knowing you or your medical history or location or family dynamics (DO NOT POST ANY PERSONALLY IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION HERE) it is very hard to give any sort of definitive answers rather give you options to explore.
Remember gender and sexuality must be separated! You can be a transgender lesbian woman (Eddie Izzard always said 'I was a male lesbian' and 'action Transvestite').You can equally identify as a cisgender woman...some may argue about that... But I know many women who feel they are csigender women who just were born with a growth between their legs... and it had to be medically attended to... You can also not want sex with anyone at all... its fine! You can fancy both ment and women and trans+ and want to present as a woman or a man or NB at the same time...
So when you see a therapist at least you can be forewarned and prearmed with this above.
1. You can sleep with who you fancy (as long as they are adults and it is consensual). Obviously in some countries homosexuality and crossdressing can be criminal so be very careful! Or immigrate!
2. You can be who YOU WANT TO BE! Life is short and full of regrets... Dont be 50 and wish you had been braver! You are the perfect age to have this adventure now.
3. Be brave! Telling others your secrets is very very powerful! It can also make you feel very very vulnerable! But this will pass!
Hope this helps!
