I don't know who I am

[plumkacz]

I'm sorry I haven't written here for sooooo long. I made some steps ahead of diagnozing my dysphoria. I'm attending sexologist once a week and I also came out to my mother. She's braver and more helpful that I could possibly imagine <3. On the one hand she accepted me no matter if I'm trans or gay but on the other hand she thinks very logical and tells me I still need some time to figure things out. I'm really scared to think I might tell myself I'm trans to hide from myself that I'm gay. I just don't feel being gay. I've been attracted to women my entire life but also occasionally dreamt about having sex with a man as a woman. I always was scared that some of my gay friends might hit on me. It all cracked about 3 months ago when I realized something was off. I like doing gender euphoric things like wearing skirts or doing myself some nice braids and I'm also attracted to men as well as women. I have dysphoria about my body, I'd like to have wider hips, narrower waist and shoulders, a little bigger butt and some nice, little brests. Even thought I had beard since high school and I liked it very much all that time, it started irritating me recent days. I'm gonna shave it after my semester closes and see what'll happen. And here's my question. Do you think I might tell myself I'm trans to hide from myself I'm gay?
Thanks for all your help.
Hugs