Hi Everyone!

[Davina1882]

Hi everyone, my name's Davina and at the ripe old age of 56 I've ended years of self denial and have at last begun to come to terms with being Transgender. Before I go on I'd just like to say that I am very new to all the 'do's' and 'don'ts' around pronouns and other terms of reference so I'm going to make mistakes. When I do it will not be intentional and I'd be so grateful if folk would talk to me and 'educate' where appropriate.

My assigned gender has never sat well with me. I've always felt unease about the way I've been expected to live by our socially rigid society. I remember trying on girls clothes when I was about 7 and feeling very good about it. But even then I knew it was something the adults around me would frown upon.

My teenage years provided some escape as this was the era of goths and new romantics. Dying my hair, although seen as revolutionary in London's East End and fraught with danger on occasion in public, was for a time not seen as 'girly' and I could get away with a more feminine look.

By my mid 20's, under pressure from peers and social stereotypes, I did what so many do and got married. We also moved to Clacton-on-Sea in Essex. By then I was dressing in secret, fully aware that if my wife found out we'd be finished. As it turned out, that happened anyway as our relationship soured.

Two years later I found someone else and had resolved to conform and 'be a man'. Nobody up to that point knew anything about my en femme sessions. And for several years, in a job doing nights and with 4 step kids to help raise, I was able to avoid the compulsion to express my femininity because there simply wasn't time or opportunity.

Small things were creeping in though. When my two youngest were about 11 and 9 and wanted to paint my nails I let them. I liked it and I could excuse it by telling myself that I was doing something creative with the kids. My partner however was less than impressed. She made it perfectly clear that 'blokes don't wear nail varnish' and that men should look like men.

And as the kids got a older and less demanding, and I was now working in a different job and no longer doing nights, the dressing began to creep in again. Eventually the unevitable happened and my 'stash' was discovered. I was told bluntly that if I didn't stop we were finished.

So here I was with 4 stepkids and a mortgage, fully aware of my responsibilities to them whilst still in denial of my true gender, partly through ignorance and partly through shame. There were times when I became quite depressed but for the sake of my family I smiled and hid my internal struggle.

It wasn't to last. Charity shops are abundant in Clacton and Colchester and the compulsion was too great. I'd even made several trips to Bury St.Edmunds and Stowmarket in full girly mode and had been thoroughly comfortable in my true gender role. No-one hassled me and visits to those lovely towns felt to me like the woman who had been allowed out of the tower for a little while.

On 25th November last year my partner found my tunic dress. That was it. Finished. I moved into a Travelodge for 3 days while I arranged a room in a houseshare. Gradually I began to wear a few girly bits around the house. To my immense surprise I found the owners of the house, plus my three housemates, to be very much nonplussed regarding my feminine appearance.

Their tolerance has meant that I dress femme all the time around the house and even out to the local convenience store five minutes away. I've also been able to research my thoughts and feelings on the internet, which of course was not available all those years ago.

It's clear to me now that I should never have lived my life as a man because I'm a woman. And this is where things get very complicated. As I said, I have 4 step kids. One is a man with Autism and I am one of his carers. Here's the thing. My ex is my boss. She has already made it clear that any sign of femininity at work will result in me losing my job. That's actually not as unfair as it sounds because the young man I care for could never comprehend the change in me.

So my situation is currently this. I'm in a houseshare paying rent while also paying a proportion of the mortgage on the bungalow I shared with my ex. The mortgage still has three years to run. Transitioning would mean leaving my job and lumbering my ex with a huge care issue as she works fulltime as well. I can't begin to express the guilt I feel at the prospect of doing that.

And now that the world is dealing with Covid everything is on hold. Shops, clinics and even making Trans friends and visiting them is off limits for now. Nevertheless, I now have a general direction of travel. I'm now accepting who I am.

Thanks for reading x

[Ice Maiden]

Interesting and thanks for posting
btw The line

any sign of femininity at work will result in me losing my job

is potentially illegal! He could get in serious trouble if this is the case. Many companies are far better prepared than this EVEN the Army have a better attitude than this!

Yes Colchester and Clacton I remember the Fox and Hounds at Little Bromley back in the day it was an amazing GLBTIQ haunt and hosted the Foxy Girls a trans group that were really popular! Thats near Colchester and people came to it from all over!

Happy days!

Thanks for sharing your story.

[Ice Maiden]

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