Am I a transgender person?

[LittleGreenAlien]

Like the subject says, people tell me I'm not a transgender person. But I'm just having a hard time accepting that what I'm going through now all just is in my head! I Know something is going on, but it's just hard to understand what's going on. But I feel less and less any connection to being a woman.

Going back to my younger days, back then I never felt that I was anything else but a female because that was the gender assigned me at birth. But I never really thought about gender though. I just was who ever I wanted to be. I did wear dresses and skirts, but I never was the girliest girl. I had Barbies, Ponies and stuffed animals. But I would also play Power Rangers with my siblings and neighbour boy. Watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Biker Mice from Mars on TV. I loved to play with my cousins Playmobil toys. Play Nintendo64 games with my brother. And collecting Pokemon and Magic The Gathering cards. I had both boy and girl interests, and behaviour if you count the times I played Power Ranger in the back yard. I don't remember that much about my childhood anymore but I remember this.

I have taken into account if I’ve developed a bigender and transgender identity because of trauma. I also suffer from PTSD because of 16 years of bullying and traumatic experiences. Up to age 24 I have experienced traumatic things because of bullying. I don’t want to go too much into details but I have a condition that makes my body heat up real fast. I used for so many years to struggle with bad BO. That part luckilly is over now but I still heat up fast. I was bullied for my condition and treated like I wasn’t a human being. I was treated like a walking disease. People were disgusted by my existence. I’ve been called so many hurtful things in my past. My life taken from me. I became someone who shouldn’t have exsisted. I wanted to dissapear... I still to this day at a age of 34 suffer from my past. I was diagnosed with the illness "CFS" Chronic Fatigue Syndrome a couple of years ago. But I'm on my 10th year now with this illness. I haven't been able to work since I got ill and am receiving disability benefits. My CFS diagnosis is a result of all the bullying I went through. I always worry how people see me. I can't start my day without a shower. I'm still afraid of having a bad BO even though I no longer have it. I can't even enter a school building, and if I was invited to a class reunion, I would not be able to go.

I’m 34 now and not that many years ago I started having gender issues. It wasn’t quite as strong in the begining, but with the years my gender dysphoria developed more and more. And now I identify as a bigender and transgender person.

Of course it did not just happen in an instant. It developed over time. But you could already see changes in me since age 24. I got really into comics about romance between men. Also known as “Shounen Ai” and “Yaoi”. I got pretty obssesed with it and still am.
I bought male BJDs (Ball Jointed Dolls) just for the sake of creating male, and gay male characters. Could it be that I lived through my dolls somehow. A life that I could not have I could at least create through my BJD characters. Before my BJD hobby I discovered Japanese rock, J-rock and Visual Kei. It's a flamboyant type of rock genre with much crossdressing and colorful makeup. I also started reading gay J-rock fan-fictions. And I got obssesed with the pairing “Gackt x Mana”. They were members from a historical band called "Malice Mizer". I even ended up getting custom made made BJDs of them. I have created so many gay male characters in “The Sims” throughout the years. I started fantasizing about male characters and couples that I made up in my head, and fictional magical worlds where they lived. One named Sebastian. I started to fantasize about being him. The more I did, the more my gender identity changed!

Throughout all of the things mention above, I experienced a growing envy of the male body. I envied men so much! Shortly after, and more than just once in a while I started feeling trapped in my female body. That’s how I got my bigender and transgender identity.

My gender identity completely shifted from being cisgender, to being bigender and transgender. It's frustrating and depressing to feel trapped in my female body. I now experience exactly the same a transgender person does! I truly feel that what I am feeling and going through is no gender confusion. I wish I had no female body parts. I do not like having breasts, female genitalia and body shape. They do not match how I feel and see myself. Even when I feel like a mixture between female and male, I still do not like having a female body. I genuinely feel I should have biologically been born as a male most of the times. And it makes me physically ill and depressed. But something is still keeping me from wanting to get sex reassignment surgery though. I feel I would not be happy changing my sex surgically. I want to be biologically a real male. I don't want to offend anyone, but for me personally having a sex reassignment surgery would not help me. It would not make me feel like a male. It would only make me feel like a modified female. If I went through with it I would not see a male chest, male genitalia and a male body. To me it would be like having a frankenstain body. Only if I could shape shift into who I see myself as, I would be happy.

Don't get me wrong, anyone who decide to go through with having a sex reassignment surgery, I don’t think of you as a frankenstein person! If it feels right for you and you are happy with having one, then I think that is wonderful. But sadly for me I feel differently about having one. So I live with the body I have no matter how painful it can be at times.

The people who support me on this, say that “don’t let anybody tell you, you are wrong. You know how you feel and that is all that matters!”. I don't know what I would have done if I had not had their support..

[LittleGreenAlien]

Sorry about the long post above. I'm just trying to understand where I fit in. I've been searching for answers all over the internet. And talked to family and friends. My last resort where comming here in hope for some answers and some help.

[Steffi]

Hi

(I'm some years post-op MTF)

quote - "...something is still keeping me from wanting to get sex reassignment surgery. I feel I would not be happy changing my sex surgically. I want to be biologically a real male. I don't want to offend anyone, but for me personally having a sex reassignment surgery would not help me. It would not make me feel like a male. It would make me feel like a modified female."

I felt very much the same throughout my life - it was not enough for me to be surgically altered, I wanted to BE born a woman and nothing less would do.

I was fortunate that later in life - when the inner misery of my (perfectly adequate and functional) male life finally overwhelmed me and I was preparing for suicide - I did finally feel comfortable with the available compromise.
I am so glad that I did finally transition. It gave me an inner peace which I could not achieve any other way.

You should be aware that hormones not only cause physical changes but also strongly affect how you feel and even how you think.
I am not sure how long you could take testosterone for before you begin to cause changes which will not reverse when you stop dosing.

[LittleGreenAlien]

Thanks so much for your reply

There's no doubt that if I could shape shift or magically transform my self into a male, I would!

But I also have another problem though that complicates things. I also suffer from body dysmorphia. I just don't like what I see in the mirror!

Besides seeing my self as a transgender person, and having the same feelings and experiences a transgender person have, I also wished I was beautiful like the fashion model "Emil Andersson". My body dysmorphia makes me wish I could be perfect and beautiful like him. Be someone completely different from who I am!

https://www.google.no/search?q=emil+and ... 66&bih=637

I never experienced a normal teenage life. I've never even experienced to be in a relationship with someone. I got so scarred from my experiences that I do not feel comfortable living a normal life, having a lover and a family. Because all I can see is how people used to see me as a person. I struggle with social anxiety. I have one good friend and that is all I can handle.

So much of my life was taken from me. I feel that I never got to live. And so I dream about being someone else, and starting life over. But wishing I was someone else is not the same as wishing I biologically were born as a male. I just happen to also suffer from having body dysmorphia. Because of my body dysmorphia, having a sex reassignment surgery, having a modified girl body, would be to me as alien as I feel my female body is sometimes. Same as I feel that my female parts do not belong on me sometimes, I also feel that trans male body parts do not belong on me either.

[LittleGreenAlien]

I think there is a possibility that I might be able to learn to accept the body I have and learn to live with it. I do have a bigender identity. And deep within me is still the old me. I guess I couldn't completely abandon my female side. But tht does not make me wish any less that I werebiologically born as a male.

It wasn't before later in life that I started to have issues with my gender. I have seen many articles about there being a link between autism and transgender identities. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in kindergarten. But because of my depression I had a
psychiatric evaluation. The psychiatrist who evaluated me thought that I might have aspergers. Just wanted to mention that!