Looking for advice - where do I fit in?

[Jae]

Moderator - if I am posting in the wrong area please correct me (I am a newbie)

I would love to know where I fit in, I am very uncertain about a great many things, but trans forums have had the best information for me so far so I hoped joining and sharing might help me figure myself out. I have always just been a regular guy, and I still feel like I am, but we can talk about that later... About a year and a half ago I had a big health scare, prostate blew up, one testicle died and the other is failing. I went on HRT to shrink the prostate and hopefully avoid the highly likely associated cancer that I faced, this all happened on the medical QT following old school medical advice from a well know doctor (also a good friend) as current medical treatment no longer uses the HRT method and my insurance was set on surgery. I am so glad I took the chance, as I am now out of the risk zone and feel pretty much just fine without going under the knife. Along the way I started out with low dose trans-dermal estrogen followed shortly with Spiro to ease off the terrible testicular pain. This eventually evolved into higher levels to get my blood work correct and I figured out by reading anything I could find that I was dosing nearly identical to most MTF patients and that spooked me at first. I did get some breast growth and tenderness at first, but nothing I couldn't just pass off as moobs since I am chubby by nature. At the beginning of this year (after 7 months HRT) I have just felt very different, I am at peace with all the side effects, the ED was already there to start with so no change to worry about, I don't care one bit if the testicles go, one needs to be removed anyway (size of a peanut and not doing well) and the other is not far behind. So enough background, let's get the the point of my need to talk about all of this- I realize I have no one to talk to about how I feel, doctors are no help about feelings, I hid everything from the wife from the start since she was battling her own cancer at the same time and I have hid the HRT from her ever since as she has strong negative opinions about the HRT heath risks... So I am reaching out here and hiding nothing from you, please feel free to be honest.
I have had several dreams I can't explain, three recurring dreams where I look in a mirror and it is not me, I think it is a girl but still couldn't say for sure (dreams are weird) and another when I got to start over (wish I really could), inserted into my teen years as a girl, and I was fine with it, but I was going to live my life as a lesbian and was looking forward to it all. this all made me realize something, my worry about God and sin evaporated, whether I was male or female made no difference, God loved me either way and I was free to be myself. I also realized my body can be whatever shape it is and I can be however I want to be, but the me I want to be is hard to define. Please do not judge me on this as I am open to any preference you may have and would not judge you... I am starting lo like some of the more feminizing effects of the HRT but I have zero interest in men, I have no interest in passing as a woman but I am starting to find my breasts more and more interesting, and I now find myself thinking it would be great if they just kept growing and got pretty big! I can also see myself changing shape, this morning I was looking in the mirror and realized I have developed a definite hourglass shape where I was previously more of a potato, and I like it. I have no plan to shave off my awesome beard, and I still love curvy big girls of any size just as much as ever, so I am failing to make sense of where I am going to fit in, I think I am turning into a big boots and flannel wearing lesbian and I am really liking it. So is there somewhere that a male to lesbian undergoing HRT would fit in? What is that anyway... MTL HRT? I would love to go into further details about HRT specifics and effect, but I will save that all for another time once I figure out if I am in the right place...
Love to you all,
Jae

[Ice Maiden]

Hi sorry for the delay in posting a response and thank you for joining in the conversation on Transgender Zone.

It is very hard to decipher you psyche on a forum with one post. A therapist would need many many meetings to help get to the bottom of this.

What I can say is gender is not A and B it is a fluid A-Z. You could be anywhere on that spectrum already and HRT due to your illness maybe enough to trip you into the next point/stage. Dreaming is often breaking down and working on the issues faced during the day. Like a Hard Drive Defragging moving data about. If you have been preoccupied (with good reason) your health and budding breast tissue and just being overwhelmed with what is happening, it makes perfect sense for this to leak into your dream state.

My advice would be not to worry about your gender fluid situation and embrace it. If you are happy or excited about new feelings or body shape then that is a positive you can embrace to help you through all this. If it becomes a negative and something that makes you unhappy, then you may need to take another look.

[Ice Maiden]

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