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Looking for advice - where do I fit in?

Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 7:52 pm
by Jae
Moderator - if I am posting in the wrong area please correct me (I am a newbie)

I would love to know where I fit in, I am very uncertain about a great many things, but trans forums have had the best information for me so far so I hoped joining and sharing might help me figure myself out. I have always just been a regular guy, and I still feel like I am, but we can talk about that later... About a year and a half ago I had a big health scare, prostate blew up, one testicle died and the other is failing. I went on HRT to shrink the prostate and hopefully avoid the highly likely associated cancer that I faced, this all happened on the medical QT following old school medical advice from a well know doctor (also a good friend) as current medical treatment no longer uses the HRT method and my insurance was set on surgery. I am so glad I took the chance, as I am now out of the risk zone and feel pretty much just fine without going under the knife. Along the way I started out with low dose trans-dermal estrogen followed shortly with Spiro to ease off the terrible testicular pain. This eventually evolved into higher levels to get my blood work correct and I figured out by reading anything I could find that I was dosing nearly identical to most MTF patients and that spooked me at first. I did get some breast growth and tenderness at first, but nothing I couldn't just pass off as moobs since I am chubby by nature. At the beginning of this year (after 7 months HRT) I have just felt very different, I am at peace with all the side effects, the ED was already there to start with so no change to worry about, I don't care one bit if the testicles go, one needs to be removed anyway (size of a peanut and not doing well) and the other is not far behind. So enough background, let's get the the point of my need to talk about all of this- I realize I have no one to talk to about how I feel, doctors are no help about feelings, I hid everything from the wife from the start since she was battling her own cancer at the same time and I have hid the HRT from her ever since as she has strong negative opinions about the HRT heath risks... So I am reaching out here and hiding nothing from you, please feel free to be honest.
I have had several dreams I can't explain, three recurring dreams where I look in a mirror and it is not me, I think it is a girl but still couldn't say for sure (dreams are weird) and another when I got to start over (wish I really could), inserted into my teen years as a girl, and I was fine with it, but I was going to live my life as a lesbian and was looking forward to it all. this all made me realize something, my worry about God and sin evaporated, whether I was male or female made no difference, God loved me either way and I was free to be myself. I also realized my body can be whatever shape it is and I can be however I want to be, but the me I want to be is hard to define. Please do not judge me on this as I am open to any preference you may have and would not judge you... I am starting lo like some of the more feminizing effects of the HRT but I have zero interest in men, I have no interest in passing as a woman but I am starting to find my breasts more and more interesting, and I now find myself thinking it would be great if they just kept growing and got pretty big! I can also see myself changing shape, this morning I was looking in the mirror and realized I have developed a definite hourglass shape where I was previously more of a potato, and I like it. I have no plan to shave off my awesome beard, and I still love curvy big girls of any size just as much as ever, so I am failing to make sense of where I am going to fit in, I think I am turning into a big boots and flannel wearing lesbian and I am really liking it. So is there somewhere that a male to lesbian undergoing HRT would fit in? What is that anyway... MTL HRT? I would love to go into further details about HRT specifics and effect, but I will save that all for another time once I figure out if I am in the right place...
Love to you all,
Jae