My boyfriend told me he is transgender. I accepted. He dumped me.

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Phoenixrises42016
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Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2018 2:57 am

My boyfriend told me he is transgender. I accepted. He dumped me.

Postby Phoenixrises42016 » Fri Sep 21, 2018 3:15 am

I had a boyfriend who revealed to me he is transgender. I accepted it and was totally supportive. He broke up with me and I dont understand why. He is not ready to come out and he told me he couldnt be with me because I "know". We are not speaking at this moment mainly because that's what he wants. He told me he is attracted to me and would like to be friends some day but a relationship is not a good idea. I tried to reach out to him so much but now I have stopped because now I feel like I am acting desperate.

I dont understand why. I thought it would relieve him to know that I know but he told me he cant be with me because I know and he is trying to live a lie and if I'm around I will be a constant reminder of that lie. I really care about him/her..whatever he/she wants me to call him. I just want them and the person inside.

I am very new to all of this so I apologize if I said something wrong or ignorant. I am trying to learn as much as I can.

I have read so many forums yet only seem to find advice for the transgender person that got broken up with because of their revelation to their partner. I am not sure if you have any insight or if you can direct me to somewhere that can help?

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Steffi
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Re: My boyfriend told me he is transgender. I accepted. He dumped me.

Postby Steffi » Fri Sep 21, 2018 5:46 pm

Hi

Your need for help is unusual which is why you are having trouble finding any advice.
Normally enquiries are either from the trans person wanting help to make people understand and accept or from friends/relatives of the trans person who are seeking help to accept/understand.

The problem in your case is not you - it is your boyfriend who does not realise what an invaluable asset it is to have a born female of similar age who can help with every aspect of learning and switching to the female role.

From the sound of it, the fundamental problem seems to be that your boyfriend actually does not truly accept himself, does not want to deal with the fact that he is trans.
I do not believe that there is really any way of speeding that process up. All one could do is be gently supportive and give him time to make the mental journey to get there. That might take a long time.
He may have blurted out his secret to you and then regretted telling anyone, wanted.....NEEDED.....to flee back into his own denial.
....what do I know, I'm just making some connections and explanations from what information there is in your post. To make a better and more accurate guess I'd need to quiz you in depth about a lot of things about your relationship and exactly what was said under what circumstances.

Whichever way, I don't really think that this is an issue that you can resolve by pushing too hard.
He needs to reach the conclusion himself, to realise how lucky he is to not just have a firm ally but also to have one in a position to be of such invaluable help.
If he *IS* trans, then "the problem" will not go away. He may manage to deny, suppress and postpone it for weeks/months/years/decades, but eventually it will crush him and make him break through.

You could show him my reply but that could go either way - it might make him think about his problem in a practical and realistic way which would move things towards what YOU want ....... but it could also make him reject you even more, make him resent you pursuing the thing at all when he has asked you to leave it. Dunno.

I assume that you are in love yourself with him/her/this person ? That (in the way that I do myself) you love THE PERSON and are happy to adapt to whatever the surrounding circumstances are as long as they are happy and you are with them?

There is not enough detail to try and judge really.
I took a shot at it anyway - I am fairly confident that what I have replied is good in the broad overview. :-)
Contact me privately via "steffi AT transgenderzone DOT com" Click to see Who I am

To those who understand, I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand, take me as I am
Not under your command, I know where I stand
I won't change to fix your plan, Take me as I am (Dreamtheatre - As I Am)

my trans-ness viewtopic.php?f=40&t=5401&p=45640#p45351

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Nym
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Joined: Mon Sep 17, 2018 2:48 pm

Re: My boyfriend told me he is transgender. I accepted. He dumped me.

Postby Nym » Tue Sep 25, 2018 10:39 am

Steffi has really helped me come to terms with myself. She is brill. So it is worth listening to her advice.

I have another friend that has been helping me and she pointed me in to this article:

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

It is a very good article.

I think your boyfriend is being foolish but most of us were exactly the same. This is a terrifying experience. It is full of feelings of guilt and shame. He is probably terrified that you are going to use this information against him.

My advice for what it is worth... and it isn't worth much considering the mess I've made of my life.... is print out that article or send him the link. Tell him, you are understanding, you will never dream of using the information he has shared against him, and you are always there if he wants your support and love whether he wishes to discuss it or not. If he wants to try and lock it away, then you understand and will not mention it again. That you accept him for who he is and the identity he wishes to be regardless of what he wants to do. And then reassure him that you will never mention this again but you are there if he decides at any time to open up or feels the need to talk.

Do NOT mention this bit... what Steffi says is true... it won't go away and it will eventually explode in him. It might be decades down the line. So long as you know this is going to happen, that one day there is a very good chance he will want to transition and be a woman... you might have a life together and a family together.... it is going to happen at some point in his life. If you are fine with that, if you are happy to be in a lesbian relationship or a straight relationship with him, then I wish you all the best. You sound like a star and he is foolish if he lets you get away. But if you push he will hide. He has to come to this realisation on his own. He will deny it, he will be feeling deep shame, he will be terrified of what you will do with the information now that he's told you. So reassure him, you are happy regardless of what he chooses. You love him as a person not as a gender and if he wants, you will never mention this again. Make him feel safe and secure because right now he is like a rabbit in the headlights... scared and wanting to hide from the world. And once you've said your piece and given him the link or printout... tell him straight, this is the last time I will discuss this with you unless you want to talk about it... and mean it. Don't mention it ever again unless he brings it up.

I really wish you both good luck but if he turns his back on you, he will lose someone very valuable.