New and haven't a clue

[Cheyne]

Hi there,
I hope I don't annoy any one by my ignorance but I'm totally new to this and would appreciate any advice or insights. I was born female and am married to a man and have 3 children. I'm 37 and my whole world is being a mother, breastfeeding and being maternal. However I am having an increasing problem that has been going on all my life but is now really ramping up. I will not have sex with my husband and I will not buy any clothes. I have just got to the age where I can't go on doing these things any more. I have always been asexual (I have no sexual feelings and have never been attracted to any one). I HATE women's clothes and when I wear them I feel like I'm in drag. I feel totally humiliated ever time I wear them. I think if I were thin and straight I could just wear men's clothes and be very happy and comfortable. But I am curvy and a bit big. I'm all woman to the eye. The sight of women's clothes gives me a headache. I hate make up, I hate heels, I hate jewellery and I hate womens clothes. As a child I wanted to be my father. I wanted to be an engineer, drive a JCB or lorry and I thought of myself as male. I feel, and always have done, that I am male. Yet I love to breastfeed my children. I love to nurture them and care for them. But other than that my mind feels and views itself as male. Yet I think I appear, sound and come across as very feminine. When I was a teenager I got quite upset by my lack of muscle and I would lift weights a lot in an attempt to build muscles. I had a diary called Rocky and when I wrote in it I felt that I was writing to the real me. I had clear pictures in my head of the men I emulated. But I was permanently rejected my family as a 14 year old and lived alone from the age of 14. I got into a relationship with a man and I think this was because he served as a father figure. I have never enjoyed or desired physical intimacy with any one - male or female. Now I am becoming increasingly upset with wearing women's clothes and I have not bought any for a year. I cannot bring myself to buy any again but I need to clothe myself. I need to take myself seriously and I hate the self image I have when I wear women's clothes. I don't want to disrespect myself any longer. I want to be comfortable and I want to be able to be me.
Please advise me. What is wrong with me?

[Ice Maiden]

FIrst and foremost WELCOME

Secondly - THERE IS NOTHING 'WRONG' With you!

Breastfeeding your children as a man (if you are one, is perfectly normal just ask Thomas Beatie) is actually today perfectly normal.

Lets face it if, it were possible, men would happily do this too. Well maybe the hipsters - but you know what I mean .

You seem Gender Dysphoric. This is a serious medical condition! And it is something you might want to approach your GP (Family Doctor (USA)) about. This is clearly affecting your daily living, enough and to the point you have come here and opened up your heart to us ((virtual (literally) strangers)).

What you may need could be very disruptive to your family life. And this, in part, is what often prevents us being our true selves!

What do you actually want and most importanly NEED?! And this maybe a scary proposition to face!

However, we are here for you, and fortunately you chose TransgenderZone.com for advice rather than some 'site' that would belittle and humiliate you and you needs.

I think this is something you may need to pour out more, but, if not.... I think this is traumatising enough for you to speak to a medic and take it from there. You may need informal social support - and we can offer that.

WELCOME!

[Ice Maiden]

#Replies

[Ice Maiden]

PS Check out the FTM ZONE here and READ AS MUCH AS YOU CAN FIRST! viewforum.php?f=19

[Ice Maiden]

PPS Remember no matter what happens and how you feel we are here to help! Do not suffer alone!!!