Confused as f***

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Re: Confused as f***

Post by Jae » Mon Feb 12, 2018 9:30 pm

I was struggling to figure out where I belong as well... But I am finding more and more posts with many element of what I am feeling, so I definitely think talking with others here is a great step to take. You are not a teen anymore, but you are young, so a decision like this is a big one... The good news is, the younger you are the better your chances of a good transition, but it is also a permanent alteration so it can not be taken lightly. I have been on HRT for a bit over a year now and I look forward to the changes that will come, I would love to have a big rack someday if it all works out. I am coming to terms with the idea that I am turning into a big lesbian that loves big curvy girls, but all that is okay since I am happy just being me. Ultimately you should do what makes you happy, male, female, non of that matters, be who you want to be inside then grow the outside to match. You are not a pervert, don't worry about everyone else and their opinions, your family is important so work with them first, love for you friends is great but if they do not support you find new ones (maybe some girls?). If you feel like loving girls just go lesbian, if you love boys just be a girl, if you just love yourself just be yourself.
Big hugs,

Re: Confused as f***

Post by Butterfly » Fri May 12, 2017 9:13 pm

Thank you so much for your response Steffi. Sorry its taken me a while to reply but it honestly helped so much. I’m still majorly confused but it’s a solid reminder that what I’m feeling is legitimate and that getting help and addressing it is the right thing to do. Also helps me to feel more confident in the hours where I feel sure it’s the eventual end of the path I’m on, and reminds me when I’m feeling like there’s no point doing it that even the journey through exploring it is going to leave me healthier than just pretending I don’t need to.
I got the referral through from the mental health service and I have the first telephone session on the 6th June which is still maddeningly far away for me and also while I’m working at Glastonbury but hopefully that will mean they can put me through to the appropriately trained people and I can get some proper diagnosed clarity on all this.
Also I went back to my GP (a new person this time, who just so happens to have already seen other people along the road which made it way easier to relax) to see if I could just the referral to the charing cross clinic out of the way because I saw how long the wait times are and figured it made sense to get it in early so that whatever the outcome I would already be closer to seeing them. However she was great and explained that the clinic is really the final step and that if I haven’t already seen mental health services and made an effort to socially transition, then they are unlikely to prioritise the referral anyway, which was reassuring because I know I have the ball rolling as far as I can do medically, but also a reminder of how patient I have to be with all this and how much work I have to do before I can begin to even transition, should I need to.
Which means now I’m just waiting to see what the mental health services say, but also aware that I need to still start making steps to cautiously explore where I’m going. I’m gonna go out on my birthday dressed up because I know that my friends will understand and support me and it might be just the support and fun I need to solidify my determination for this, and will also be a good opportunity to just let them know that this is an exploration phase I need to go through. Also I have Glastonbury at least so I plan on dressing up a fair bit there and running wild and free and it will be a safe space where I can hopefully become emboldened. But the other thing really to do would be to tell my family and start dressing up at home because that will be the true test.
So now I’m unsure what to do. I know my parents will be supportive and will just want me to be happy, so even if it is awkward for them and they worry, I know they won’t stop me. Also hopefully they are more prepared given I came out as non-binary to them already. Also I feel like my birthday next week will be a good symbolic time to let them know. But I’m also still just crazy scared. Partly because my dad has his last chemo session the weekend after, which I hadn’t wanted to make any worse with any other worry (although I know he would hate me using that as an excuse to hide this). But also because I will be going away to Glastonbury so will barely see them for a while so it will mean forcing them to delay their reaction a bit I guess. But also I guess mainly just for all the obvious terrifying reasons that anyone else on this site has possibly been through. I don’t want them to think of themselves as bad parents. I don’t want to kill off the son they love. I don’t want to cause them any undue awkwardness with the people they know, with my extended family. I don’t want to have to be a burden on them. I don’t want them to think any of the years I have spent as their son have been disingenuous. I don’t want them to think of me as unhappy. I just, I hate the thought of them having to change for me because I can’t not change. As I read that I know it sounds stupid and is dredging up excuses. I now I am so lucky to have parents who will actually try to understand unlike so many other trans people. But f*** its still terrifying.

Re: Confused as f***

Post by Steffi » Tue May 02, 2017 1:59 pm

Hi Butterfly

I HAVE read your whole post.
I closely identify with almost all of what you are feeling and suffering - it sounds exactly like me at 24 (Except I am poorer and was getting laid, but it was the early seventies then. At your age I married and was with her until my transition nearly thirty years later.)
I understand your uncertainty too. I was able to "forget about it" for a while, sometimes months and be content to be pretty much a normal male. But then the thoughts would return, sometimes with a power which was crushing in it's intensity. Like you, from what I read and understood I thought that transsexuals constantly felt "in the wrong body" and knew that this was so from an early age.
That is SO incorrect.
It is true for a percentage of transsexuals, but the majority experience is more like yours and it waxes and wanes. One thing I can assure you of is that it never goes away, so one day you will have to deal with it one way or the other.
- either you arrange your life to enable you to live as a woman part of the time and content yourself with that ...... or else you begin Transition.

For myself, I did not transition until my fifties when I reached a snapping-point and it all welled up in me so strongly that I was finally FORCED to confront it and deal with it. (You mention in your post that you have read of such crises)
From what you have written, it is my own belief that the same crisis is eventually and inevitably coming to you ...... you just have not got there yet and it might be decades before you do.

When I did transition I felt a deep peace in my heart, a deep feeling of comfort and that I was finally able to relax - even though at that time I expected my future life to include a lot of rejection and persecution. I still had some inner doubts that I actually was transsexual even so. It seemed rather incredible to me that I actually was "one of those people" and that I was perhaps deluding myself in some way.

I began living in female role 24/7,saw my GP and got referred to Charing Cross GIC. When I eventually did my first evaluation interview there, I told the psych everything, even things which I thought were negative indicators. At the end of the interview he said that he had no doubts whatsoever that I was acutely gender dysphoric, that I WAS a transsexual and should start in the program immediately.

Your own thoughts, doubts and experience are far more typical than you realise. It is not my place to diagnose you and I have no qualification to do so, but from my personal experience, conversations with the trans-people I have known and the thousands of posts I have read in my years here as Mod, I am 99% sure that you are indeed transsexual.

You should join here as a member so that you have access to the Private Messaging system etc.
If you join, post half a dozen token replies to threads and I will Approve them so that you are a full member and have access to the PM system etc.
- if you like, I would be happy to Skype with you sometime? We would have to arrange that by PM. Speaking is a hundred times faster than typing.

(If you follow my Profile link and from there find my previous posts, somewhere I have talked a lot about my thoughts and feelings as I went along.
You might also click on the Who I Am link in my signature. Somewhere recently, I also posted my picture(s) - follow links from here viewtopic.php?f=45&t=5253&p=44942#p44942)


Re: Confused as f***

Post by Ice Maiden » Tue May 02, 2017 12:03 pm


Re: Confused as f***

Post by Ice Maiden » Tue May 02, 2017 12:02 pm

Had to change the title soz G--Rated forum to Confused as f***

This is a bit long and TLDR for most can you express your issues in say one paragraph? It may get more interest etc...